North Korea Unveils 100 Kiloton Kimchi
PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - In a move that has a fearful world holding
its breath – and praying that North Korea holds its – Kim Jong Il
announced the creation of the world's largest jar of kimchi on Tuesday.
"It is madness," said U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. "His nation is
starving, yet he buries an entire year's cabbage and garlic crop to
ferment, violating all underground weapons test bans." The Pentagon
responded quickly, commandeering all U.S. Forest Service firefighting
tanker planes and sending them to Seoul loaded with Scope and Listerine.
"All military personnel in the DMZ have been issued RPAs (rocket-propelled
Altoids) in case Kim Jong Il ever does the unthinkable and opens that
jar," said an unnamed Department of Defense spokesperson.
(Reported by Bill Muse)
Texas Gay Marriage Ban Faces Tough Vote
AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) - Just Kidding.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Mary Poppins No Longer Practically Perfect
The child-care industry was rocked today with the
announcement that icon Mary Poppins has been arrested on criminal charges.
Poppins, who raised generations of upperclass English children, was
charged with criminal acts that include encouraging a child to take sugar
with his diabetes medicine, exposing several children to dangerous street
people and practicing sorcery. Past clients have rushed to her defense. "I don't believe a word of it," said Lord Edgefield, who grew up under the watchful eye of Miss Poppins in the early 1970s. "One expects this sort of thing with au pairs, certainly, but nannies and governesses tend to be above this sort of thing."
Sir George Banks, whose children were raised by Poppins in the early 1960s, defended
her unreservedly. "The Black Arts are oftentimes necessary in controlling
children. I was never all that fond of mine, but I'm quite sure she left us with as many children as we had when she arrived, and that's rather the entire point, isn't it?"
(Reported by Ronald J. Bottomly)
Bush Says Zarqawi Against Social Security Reform
Picture Of Rumsfeld in Shorts Fails to Boost Circulation
French Open: Agassi Out on His Smooth, Well-Toned Ass
Newsweek Retracts Positive "Gigli" DVD Review
Stella Misplaces Groove Again
Bill Frist vs. Harry Reid
Why We Should Keep the Filibuster
A guest Probeatorial
by Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid
Why should we keep the filibuster? This is a simple question, with a
simple answer, rooted deep in the heart of our democracy; it is even
rooted in our popular culture – why, I saw a comic strip just this
weekend, one with this oddly shaped bird – a sort of penguin, one would
assume, from the looks of the misshapen fellow – which played on the very
topic I discuss today, mistaking the origins of the word "filibuster" to
come from "filly buster" or the breaking down of a young horse, which, of
course makes sense to an untrained ear, one who may believe that the
filibuster is used like a cowboy riding as long as he can to break the
majority of the unjust legislation, and in this case, unjust judicial
appointments thrust upon the minority, and by minority I mean those who
find themselves out of the majority, of course, like us Democrats, but it
has nothing to do with that at all, that horse-riding business, I mean; it
is a just tool, except in the cases when it was unjustly used – one
thinks of a certain Strom Thurmond, who went on and on to stop certain
civil rights legislation, bleating on about the good of the country – his
words, not mine – when it was just that old Thurmond wanted to keep the
prettier African-Americans out of sight to keep all to himself – you did
read about him and ... well of course you did ... and of course I joke, so
please Reverend Jackson, Jesse, please, I can do without your visit or the
haranguing in the press, being as I am on your side and have voted for
your interests, and, besides, your hands are full with spew-talking
Mexican leaders – man that was something, wasn't it – with all that
negative talk from someone who should know better; but let me wrap this up
by saying first it will be the filibuster the Republicans take from us,
and soon it will be other forms of free speech, because don't let anyone
fool you, it's not about rules, it's about free speech, and radical judges
as well, mind you, and then where will we be, you ask? I'll tell you,
speechless in the face of activist judges, that's where!
Why We Should Get Rid of the Filibuster
A guest Probeatorial
by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist
What do you mean, he took all my space? Bastard!
(Transcribed by Davejames)