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May 25, 2005

North Korea Unveils 100 Kiloton Kimchi

PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - In a move that has a fearful world holding its breath – and praying that North Korea holds its – Kim Jong Il announced the creation of the world's largest jar of kimchi on Tuesday. "It is madness," said U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. "His nation is starving, yet he buries an entire year's cabbage and garlic crop to ferment, violating all underground weapons test bans." The Pentagon responded quickly, commandeering all U.S. Forest Service firefighting tanker planes and sending them to Seoul loaded with Scope and Listerine. "All military personnel in the DMZ have been issued RPAs (rocket-propelled Altoids) in case Kim Jong Il ever does the unthinkable and opens that jar," said an unnamed Department of Defense spokesperson.

(Reported by Bill Muse)

Texas Gay Marriage Ban Faces Tough Vote

AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) - Just Kidding.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Mary Poppins No Longer Practically Perfect

The child-care industry was rocked today with the announcement that icon Mary Poppins has been arrested on criminal charges. Poppins, who raised generations of upperclass English children, was charged with criminal acts that include encouraging a child to take sugar with his diabetes medicine, exposing several children to dangerous street people and practicing sorcery. Past clients have rushed to her defense. "I don't believe a word of it," said Lord Edgefield, who grew up under the watchful eye of Miss Poppins in the early 1970s. "One expects this sort of thing with au pairs, certainly, but nannies and governesses tend to be above this sort of thing." Sir George Banks, whose children were raised by Poppins in the early 1960s, defended her unreservedly. "The Black Arts are oftentimes necessary in controlling children. I was never all that fond of mine, but I'm quite sure she left us with as many children as we had when she arrived, and that's rather the entire point, isn't it?"

(Reported by Ronald J. Bottomly)

Bush Says Zarqawi Against Social Security Reform

Picture Of Rumsfeld in Shorts Fails to Boost Circulation

French Open: Agassi Out on His Smooth, Well-Toned Ass

Newsweek Retracts Positive "Gigli" DVD Review

Stella Misplaces Groove Again

Filibuster Debate
Bill Frist vs. Harry Reid

Why We Should Keep the Filibuster

A guest Probeatorial
by Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid

Why should we keep the filibuster? This is a simple question, with a simple answer, rooted deep in the heart of our democracy; it is even rooted in our popular culture – why, I saw a comic strip just this weekend, one with this oddly shaped bird – a sort of penguin, one would assume, from the looks of the misshapen fellow – which played on the very topic I discuss today, mistaking the origins of the word "filibuster" to come from "filly buster" or the breaking down of a young horse, which, of course makes sense to an untrained ear, one who may believe that the filibuster is used like a cowboy riding as long as he can to break the majority of the unjust legislation, and in this case, unjust judicial appointments thrust upon the minority, and by minority I mean those who find themselves out of the majority, of course, like us Democrats, but it has nothing to do with that at all, that horse-riding business, I mean; it is a just tool, except in the cases when it was unjustly used – one thinks of a certain Strom Thurmond, who went on and on to stop certain civil rights legislation, bleating on about the good of the country – his words, not mine – when it was just that old Thurmond wanted to keep the prettier African-Americans out of sight to keep all to himself – you did read about him and ... well of course you did ... and of course I joke, so please Reverend Jackson, Jesse, please, I can do without your visit or the haranguing in the press, being as I am on your side and have voted for your interests, and, besides, your hands are full with spew-talking Mexican leaders – man that was something, wasn't it – with all that negative talk from someone who should know better; but let me wrap this up by saying first it will be the filibuster the Republicans take from us, and soon it will be other forms of free speech, because don't let anyone fool you, it's not about rules, it's about free speech, and radical judges as well, mind you, and then where will we be, you ask? I'll tell you, speechless in the face of activist judges, that's where!

Why We Should Get Rid of the Filibuster

A guest Probeatorial
by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist

What do you mean, he took all my space? Bastard!

(Transcribed by Davejames)

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