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May 27, 2005

Bush Attacks Senate's Split-the-Baby Deal on Judges as "Anti-Baby"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After a group of moderate Senators worked out a deal to "split the baby" on President Bush's judicial nominations, President Bush attacked the deal as an immoral assault on babies. "No one has the right to split babies," said Bush. "This group of cuddly babies assembled behind me all could have been split, but they weren't, and that's good." After the "split-the-baby" metaphor was explained to the president, he launched an attack on English teachers, saying, "We should be encouraging a culture of easily understood, simple sentences."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Star Wars Fans Confused by Latest Movie Surprise

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Fans have become accustomed to plot twists in the Star Wars movies. In the original trilogy they were stunned to learn that Darth Vader was Luke's father and Leia was his sister. However, the surprise in the most recent installment of Revenge of the Sith has left many moviegoers scratching their heads. The death of the beloved Chewbacca is being widely referred to not so much as "shocking" but rather, "anachronistic." "That makes no sense whatsoever," said fan Nathan Hammerstein. "We already know he's in the fourth episode, so how can he die in the third?" George Lucas could not be reached for comment on the paradox, but witnesses report hearing the sound of maniacal laughter and money rubbing against human flesh emanating from Skywalker Ranch.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Pentagon Official: Zarqawi Loses Third Leg in Latest U.S. Attack

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Pentagon officials are reporting that the United States has successfully wounded wanted Iraqi insurgent Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, causing him to lose his third leg in as many years. U.S. officials have previously announced successful attacks against Zarqawi costing him several lungs, four blood transfusions and "something we believe to be a pancreas." In a statement released to al-Jazeera, Zarqawi denied Pentagon claims, saying that he was not in Iraq, because he was attending the funeral of his grandmother. This is the sixth grandparent funeral Zarqawi has attended since he became a target of U.S. forces.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

14 Senators Make Sweetheart Deal, Also Settle Stalled Judge Issue

WMD Found in Saddam's Underpants

Remember: Mimes? Fuck 'Em!

Gene Roddenberry Down to 33 RPMs

Breaking News: Bush Nominates Ouija Board to Federal Court

Judge Judy's Pending Retirement Sparks Standoff in Senate Break Room

WASHINGTON (DPI) Rumors that Judge Judy will soon resign her seat as America's chief daytime jurist have ignited another power struggle in the corridors of the United States Senate. GOP leaders announced plans this week to seize permanent control of the lunchroom television set if the Democrats do not agree to grant Judge Larry Joe Doherty's Texas Justice a fair viewing.

"For too many years, the minority party has failed to change the channel up or down," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R - Tenn.). We won't continue to allow our lunch hour to be hijacked by activist small claims judges like that infernal Judy."

Democrats have long opposed Judge Larry Joe as too corny and previously blocked his nomination to the Senate's TiVo recorder. In past years, the parties worked together collegially on channel selection. "We got to watch Judge Mills Lane re-runs twice a week and they got Judy twice a week. On the fifth day we'd alternate between Judges Mablean and Joe Brown," said Sen. John McCain (R - Ariz.). Judge Judy's expected retirement has spurred Republicans to yet again press the case of the syndicated horse-riding jurist.

However, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D - Nev.) has threatened to implement delay tactics if his party loses its influence over TV-viewing decisions. "The moment they start watching Texas Justice without our blessing, they can kiss the batteries to the remote control goodbye," said Reid. "We'll even go as far as to lock in Maury Povich and rip off the knob. It will be nothing but paternity tests all day every day, baby!"

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)

This week's guest:

Magic Bullet

Joan: Don't fear, this isn't the magic bullet from the bedside table! Welcome, Magic Bullet blender system!

Magic Bullet: Hello!

Joan: Do you get that a lot?

Magic Bullet: The confusion? Yes, actually. It's quite embarrassing, actually. You know, if you don't spend a lot of time browsing in those kinds of stores, well, you might not even know that a magic bullet is a vibrator.

Joan: {giggles} I guess maybe if you weren't shaped like one...

Magic Bullet: I get that a lot. Trust me, I'm not.

Joan: But could I, you know, if I didn't have the other kind?

Magic Bullet: No. No, you couldn't. So don't even try. It may not say it in the instruction manual, but let's all assume that it does. Do not use me for purposes other than preparing food.

Joan: Well, can't fault a girl for asking.

Magic Bullet: Well, I can. Because obviously I'm a blender system. I am the smoothie master.

Joan: I always like a smoothie after ... you know ...

Magic Bullet: I don't think I needed to know that about you.

Joan: Well, now you do. My favorite is a little bit of canned peaches and canned pineapple (with the juice) mixed with ice cubes and a spoonful or two of vanilla yogurt. Hmmmm. Just thinking about it is making me...

Magic Bullet: Salsa. Or hummus. Nothing like hummus to make you feel less horny, eh?

Joan: No, hummus is very sexy too. Salsa not so much, but hummus is. Mmmmmmmm!

Magic Bullet: You know, I told them I didn't want to do interviews with third-string reporters. I *told* them that. Do they listed to me? NoooOOooooo.

Joan: Wait, you think I'm third-string? I have to say, I am more than a little insulted.

Magic Bullet: I'm sorry you're insulted, but I didn't come here to talk about how sexy hummus is. Or salsa. Or pesto.

Joan: Pesto, not so much.

Magic Bullet: Can we just end this now? I've had enough.

Joan: Ladies and gentleman, the Magic Bullet is available everywhere they sell fine infomercial products!

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

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