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Bush Attacks Senate's Split-the-Baby Deal on Judges as "Anti-Baby"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - After a group of moderate Senators worked out a deal to
"split the baby" on President Bush's judicial
nominations, President Bush attacked the deal as an immoral assault on
babies. "No one has the right to split babies," said Bush. "This group of cuddly
babies assembled behind me all could have been split, but they weren't, and that's good."
After the "split-the-baby" metaphor was explained to the president, he
launched an attack on English teachers, saying, "We should be encouraging
a culture of easily understood, simple sentences."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Star Wars Fans Confused by Latest Movie Surprise
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Fans have become accustomed to plot twists in the
Star Wars movies. In the original trilogy they
were stunned to learn that Darth Vader was Luke's father and Leia was his
sister. However, the surprise in the most recent
installment of Revenge of the Sith has left many moviegoers
scratching their heads. The death of the beloved
Chewbacca is being widely referred to not so much as "shocking" but
rather, "anachronistic."
"That makes no sense whatsoever," said fan Nathan Hammerstein. "We already
know he's in the fourth episode, so how can he
die in the third?" George Lucas could not be reached for comment on the paradox, but
witnesses report hearing the sound of maniacal laughter
and money rubbing against human flesh emanating from Skywalker Ranch.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Pentagon Official: Zarqawi Loses Third Leg in Latest U.S. Attack
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Pentagon officials are reporting that the United States
has successfully wounded wanted Iraqi insurgent
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, causing him to lose his third leg in as many years.
U.S. officials have previously announced
successful attacks against Zarqawi costing him several lungs, four blood
transfusions and "something we believe to be a
pancreas." In a statement released to al-Jazeera, Zarqawi denied Pentagon
claims, saying that he was not in Iraq, because
he was attending the funeral of his grandmother. This is the sixth
grandparent funeral Zarqawi has attended since he became
a target of U.S. forces.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
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14 Senators Make Sweetheart Deal, Also Settle Stalled Judge Issue
WMD Found in Saddam's Underpants
Remember: Mimes? Fuck 'Em!
Gene Roddenberry Down to 33 RPMs
Breaking News: Bush Nominates Ouija Board to Federal Court
Judge Judy's Pending Retirement Sparks Standoff in Senate Break Room
WASHINGTON (DPI) Rumors that Judge Judy will soon resign her seat as
America's chief daytime jurist have ignited another
power struggle in the corridors of the United States Senate. GOP leaders
announced plans this week to seize permanent
control of the lunchroom television set if the Democrats do not agree to
grant Judge Larry Joe Doherty's Texas Justice a
fair viewing.
"For too many years, the minority party has failed to change the channel
up or down," said Senate Majority Leader Bill
Frist (R - Tenn.). We won't continue to allow our lunch hour to be
hijacked by activist small claims judges like that
infernal Judy."
Democrats have long opposed Judge Larry Joe as too corny and previously
blocked his nomination to the Senate's TiVo
recorder. In past years, the parties worked together collegially on
channel selection.
"We got to watch Judge Mills Lane re-runs twice a week and they got Judy
twice a week. On the fifth day we'd alternate
between Judges Mablean and Joe Brown," said Sen. John McCain (R - Ariz.).
Judge Judy's expected retirement has spurred Republicans to yet again
press the case of the syndicated horse-riding jurist.
However, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D - Nev.) has threatened to
implement delay tactics if his party loses its
influence over TV-viewing decisions.
"The moment they start watching Texas Justice without our blessing, they
can kiss the batteries to the remote control
goodbye," said Reid. "We'll even go as far as to lock in Maury Povich and
rip off the knob. It will be nothing but
paternity tests all day every day, baby!"
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
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This week's guest:
Magic Bullet
Joan: Don't fear, this isn't the magic bullet from the bedside table! Welcome, Magic Bullet blender system!
Magic Bullet: Hello!
Joan: Do you get that a lot?
Magic Bullet: The confusion? Yes, actually. It's quite embarrassing, actually. You know, if you don't spend a lot of time browsing in those kinds of stores, well, you might not even know that a magic bullet is a vibrator.
Joan: {giggles} I guess maybe if you weren't shaped like one...
Magic Bullet: I get that a lot. Trust me, I'm not.
Joan: But could I, you know, if I didn't have the other kind?
Magic Bullet: No. No, you couldn't. So don't even try. It may not say it in the instruction manual, but let's all assume that it does. Do not use me for purposes other than preparing food.
Joan: Well, can't fault a girl for asking.
Magic Bullet: Well, I can. Because obviously I'm a blender system. I am the smoothie master.
Joan: I always like a smoothie after ... you know ...
Magic Bullet: I don't think I needed to know that about you.
Joan: Well, now you do. My favorite is a little bit of canned peaches and canned pineapple (with the juice) mixed with ice cubes and a spoonful or two of vanilla yogurt. Hmmmm. Just thinking about it is making me...
Magic Bullet: Salsa. Or hummus. Nothing like hummus to make you feel less horny, eh?
Joan: No, hummus is very sexy too. Salsa not so much, but hummus is. Mmmmmmmm!
Magic Bullet: You know, I told them I didn't want to do interviews with third-string reporters. I *told* them that. Do they listed to me? NoooOOooooo.
Joan: Wait, you think I'm third-string? I have to say, I am more than a little insulted.
Magic Bullet: I'm sorry you're insulted, but I didn't come here to talk about how sexy hummus is. Or salsa. Or pesto.
Joan: Pesto, not so much.
Magic Bullet: Can we just end this now? I've had enough.
Joan: Ladies and gentleman, the Magic Bullet is available everywhere they sell fine infomercial products!
(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)
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