U.S. Seizes Iraqi "Gold of Mass Destruction"



WASHINGTON (DPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said this week that U.S. military forces captured an estimated $500 million worth of weapons of mass destruction in the form of 24-karat gold bars. Although the enormous cache of pure gold bullion looked "deceptively benign" to the untrained civilian's eye, said Rumsfeld, it actually yielded yet more evidence of Saddam's evil WMD program. According to the secretary, just a single gold bar, if dropped by an Iraqi terrorist from a tall building, had the power to "destroy a mall kiosk, or to at least put one hell of a dent into a Ford Windstar."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Saipanese Seamstress Signs 4-Year, $90 Deal With Nike

SAIPAN, Northern Mariana Islands (DPI) - Helen Bugaloc, 14, a full-time sewing machine operator, was offered a record four-year, $90 contract with Nike "in anticipation of her considerable canvas-working skills," the company announced today. Bugaloc and her family accepted a transfer from the Philippines to Saipan in 1994 to take advantage of the prevalence of good sewing programs like Gap and VFS Brands and "an additional toilet break each day," she said. Bugaloc's agent, Manny Weitz, said she is "happy to be able to spend so many of her days, and many of her nights, too," working with the worldwide leader in branding. "There is also a ceiling fan," said Bugaloc.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Canadian Tourism Department Introduces "Bubble Boy" Program

TORONTO (DPI) - While claiming the health risks of visiting Canada are "overblown," officials here nevertheless introduced a new "Bubble Boy" vacation package that provides tourists with hermetically sealed transparent bubbles through which to view the nation's attractions. "We believe any vacationer can, with a little prudence, come see our beautiful country in complete safety," said Minister of Tourism Allan Rock. "The Bubble Boy is one simple step toward that goal." Other prudent precautions include not breathing Canadian air, touching Canadian people or anything a Canadian might have touched, or eating anything until safely south of Columbus, Ohio.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Dentist Kills Patient Over Caramel Consumption

DENVER (DPI) - A local dentist charged with killing a patient is speaking out. "That bastard had a fucking Heath bar in one hand and a can of goddamned Sprite in the other," said John Weal, who is free on bail while he awaits trial on a murder charge in the death of 23-year-old Ken Larsen. "Yeah, I killed him, and I saved him the pain of that caramel pulling out his fillings and the citrus ruining his gums. Stupid only-brush-once-a-day motherfucker. For him it was a mercy killing." The American Dental Association so far has yet to condemn Weal, but admits the publicity is giving a boost to its new advertising slogan, "You best floss or I'm gonna kick your ass, bitch!"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Alaric Offers to Thin Democratic Presidential Hopeful Pool

ATLANTA (DPI) - Fresh from meetings with Sen. Hillary Clinton widely rumored to presage her run for the presidency, Alaric the Visigoth offered to personally thin the ranks of Democratic presidential hopefuls. "Who are these yapping dogs?" said the fifth-century sacker of Rome and current celebrity political analyst for CNN. "If no worthy barbarian can be bothered to slay them, I myself shall spill their entrails and set their heads on pikes." When asked if he were unwilling to wait for the primaries to winnow the number of candidates down, Alaric brought the press conference to a close by beheading the reporter who posed the question.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

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Pope, 83, Canonizes New Orleans Saints