CURRENT ISSUE 05/27/03 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List News from Travistan Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary Globetrotting with Push Riding Shotgun with Adventure Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Friday 23rd May The anti-smoking Nazis are setting their sights on Nicole Kidman, since she flacked her new movie at Cannes whilst childishly puffing on a cigarette whilst her director, the exceedingly odd Lars Van Triers, begged her not to. "Nicole, you PROMISED!" he was reported to have whined. I have had my eye on this Kidman menace for some time. Even before she was pegged for having a breath befouled with fag smoke, she was seen as a shameless self-aggrandizer, a promoter of gossip about her less-than-manly former husband, and a false busted-marriage martyr. What's worse is that she willingly authorized an Oscar p.r. juggernaut that assaulted us with all-Nicole-all-the-time news and pictures for the five months prior to the Academy Awards ceremony. She is a deeply boring figure, revolting in her bottomless self-involvement, not to say repellent with her vacant me-me-me blatherings, so this experience was painful to say the least. I spent those months in acute misery, hopping from one foot to the other like a grizzly bear with a testicular inflammation. Since she hauled away her trophy, she has hidden her asparagus-like figure away under a rock, thank Our Gracious Lord. Unlike the activists, though, I refuse to persecute her for her vile habit. But I will say this: I would not kiss her unless I were very drunk indeed. Vigorous toothbrushing twice the next morning would remove offensive Nicole residue, and return the blessed status to a much-desired quo.
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