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2005

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May 30, 2005

Senate Confirms Magic 8-Ball to Appellate Court

WASHINGTON (DPI) – Following the confirmation of Justice Priscilla Owen, the Senate moved quickly to confirm Judge Magic 8-Ball to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist championed the child's toy-turned-jurist during a press conference today, saying "Judge 8-Ball has been unfairly characterized as cryptic and plastic, but I welcome his sound and succinct judgment in the courtroom." 8-Ball responded to questions from the press, after being vigorously shaken and turned upside down, with the words, "Outlook good." Democrats have long criticized 8-Ball for indecisive rulings such as the 1997 Texas Supreme Court case of Johnson v. Marbury, during which he stalled the proceedings for nearly three weeks after offering repeated judgments of "Ask again later."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Ornithologists Say "Whoop-dee-Shit" to Discovery of "Extinct" Egret

COLLIER COUNTY, Fla. (DPI) – National Wildlife Foundation scientists have confirmed the rediscovery the tangerine-scrotumed egret, a bird considered extinct since 1937. The rare specimen has caused little excitement in the ornithological community. "Fact is, we're ass-deep in egrets out here," said NWF ornithologist Hanford Reynolds. "The only thing special about the T-S egret is the color of his nutsack." According to Reynolds, this discovery should go down as a big so-what in the annals of ornithology. "If it weren't for that hottie intern working on her master's thesis on swamp birds, nobody would have heard about this," he said. "Hell, one good swing of a Louisville Slugger could get rid of a boatload of paperwork and one more huge pile of birdshit on my Hummer."

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

McCain's Group of 14 Claims "Cool" Senate Cafeteria Table

WASHINGTON (DPI) – Sen. John McCain and 13 of his moderate colleagues gained so much popularity after brokering last week's deal to save the judicial filibuster that they have laid claim to the cool table in the Senate cafeteria. "We're the cool kids now," said McCain. "Frist and the Senate leadership are so last year's Congress." The Group of 14, as they are calling themselves, rebuffed freshman Sen. Mel Martinez' attempt on Friday to park his lunch tray at their table. McCain reportedly snatched a forkful of Martinez' pumpkin pie before banishing the G14-wannabe to Senate loner Jim Jeffords' table. The 14 legislators missed several roll call votes late last week and were spotted hanging out and smoking in the Senate parking lot.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

FDA Reports Viagra Users' Blindness Actually Caused by Masturbation

Home-Schooled Student Attends Senior Prom With Mother

Perverts Regret Not Seeing Indy Racer Danica Patrick Guzzle Milk in Victory Lane

Catholic Church Warns Against Googling Oneself

New Mid-Size Hummer Travels Nearly One Mile Between Fill-Ups

You Don't Know Poop About Not
Wanting to Get on the School Bus

A guest Probeatorial
by Evan Tennague, First Grader

I've got a lot of weeks under this belt, being 6 and all. Yeah, I've seen a lot of school buses, and I've seen a lot of kids. But let me tell you, I wish I knew when I was 5 what I know now about not wanting to get on the school bus.

Let me tell you about some of the common techniques. You're 4, aren't you? WHAT? You're 5? Man, you've got a lot to learn still. Listen.

Most kids just come out and try the whole tantrum thing. Shoot, if I had a pudding cup for every kid I saw doing the shrieking, "No, Mommy, No!" thing. They throw their hands out, pretend to fall down backwards, and still wind up sitting like a rube on the bus, shivering and sucking their little wussy 5-year-old thumbs. These kids NEVER get to stay home and watch TV with Mom. Never.

Then, there are the blubberers who just whip up some pathetic fake tears and pull the whole "Why? Mommy, why?" thing. I've seen it a million times. Those kids wind up sitting on their skid-marked little asses like little fags.

Think about this instead: The rag doll. Yeah, I'll let you in on it. Because you're not shrieking or fagging around, you're just completely limp. It feels good. You got the mom totally pulling on your arms, but you're totally deadpan. Just let them take you, man. Go ahead, kindergarten Nazis. You'll take my body, but you'll never take my soul.

Told you so.
(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)

Musing With Mitch

by Mitchell Kobriger

Maybe it's just me, but I think mustard should have a spot on the periodic table of the elements.

What's so attractive about Renee Zellweger? Apart from bazooms and bajingo, I mean?

I miss hockey. That arena has the best turkey dogs in town.

I think we should all thank our lucky stars that swordfish never became a popular candy flavor.

I wish somebody would filibuster that Sally Jesse Raphael woman.

Look, Moonbeam, if I wanted whole grains, I'd spread my peanut butter on a wheat field.

They're asking ten bucks to see a movie down at the multiplex these days. I wouldn't even pay ten bucks to see Joey Bishop live.

So, Darth Vader is Luke's father! Can you beat that?

Idea! Someone should invent a toilet that offers a "refreshing breeze" option down there.

I'm not so sure people were meant to eat Xanthan gum... I sure hope those FDA guys know what they're doing!

In my day, popes were Italian and ruggedly handsome.

You keep your little slices of hot dog to yourself -- I like my macaroni and cheese just like God intended.

The first eight FD&C Reds are just fine, but #9 looks like a monkey's butt and #10 is the color of a hooker's lipstick. And it just gets worse from there, my friend.

Don't tell 'em I said so, but I liked it better when women weren't quite so uppity.

One thing you can stop working on, scientists, is further increasing my pizza options.