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Bush: Crisis Over, Iraqi Insurgency Now Perfectly Normal
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush has declared the crisis in Iraq over,
saying that the ongoing insurgency is now a
perfectly normal condition. "It's time Americans stopped worrying about
American soldiers dying in Iraq," Bush said during
a press conference Tuesday. "It happens every day, so we should all be used
to it by now." Bush then praised military
planners who made the success possible. "We knew that if we boldly went
forth with just enough troops to get us into a
quagmire, we could maintain low-level conflict long enough for people to
stop caring. Once American deaths got off the
front pages, we knew we'd won."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Mad-Libs Creator Dies Significantly
ENGLEWOOD, N.J. (DPI) - Leonard Stern, co-creator of Mad-Libs, died
Saturday after a brief grand piano. He was one million
and seven. He is survived by his cantaloupe Martha, two butter churns and
five newspapers.
(Reported by Ron Bottomly)
Six Flags Over Georgia to Unveil New Crane Attraction
ATLANTA (DPI) - Six Flags Over Georgia, one of America's premiere amusement
parks, has unveiled plans for a new attraction
inspired by a murder suspect who climbed up a tall crane to evade arrest.
According to design engineer Mark Chaple, the
attraction will feature an 18-story-high crane that park patrons can climb.
Once at the top, thrill-seekers will have two
choices. "You can either bungee-jump off the top of the crane or a park
employee can zap you with a stun gun, strap you to
a stretcher and lower you down on your back head first at high speed —
totally disorienting you until you're safely back
on the ground," said Chaple. The attraction has yet to be named, but is
referred to among park officials as the "Jailhouse
Jump."
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
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Americans Honor Veterans by Eating Weight in Ribs
Pentagon Supports Cloning as Solution to Recruiting Shortfalls
Miss Universe Crowned; Whole World's Fucking Problems Suddenly Solved
Eddie Albert Buys Farm
Cast of Breakfast Club to Reunite, Stand Awkwardly on Stage at MTV Movie Awards
The New Abuse of the First Amendment
A guest Probeatorial
by U.S. House
Majority Leader
Tom DeLay
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I am writing today to inform the good readers of The Daily Probe of a
disturbing new practice of the liberal media. By now
I am sure most of you have heard of the slander that befell my name on a
recent episode of CSI or CSI: Miami or New
York or something ... No, wait! It was Law and Order ... um ... SUV?
SVU? CI! That's it, CI! Anyhoo, those smug
Marxist bastards made a joke about me. This is a ridiculous new low, as
political officials have never before been targeted
for satire.
The joke involved my recent statements concerning the removal of the pro
fag judges from the bench. Let me assure you there
is absolutely nothing funny about that! This is a serious issue that should
be addressed by serious people. Now, I am not
made of stone — television should be allowed to make light of certain
political things. Personal attacks on the current
minority leader would be fine. Or anything involving Bill Clinton. But for
the good of the nation, lay off me.
The First Amendment is all well and good, but it should have limits. It
should not be interpreted broadly — it's not the
Second Amendment, for Christ's sake. And I know a lot of these single
mother-loving judges would say the joke falls under
"parody" and they have the Hustler v. Falwell case as "precedent." Well, I
say those hippy bastards should be dragged out
in the street and shot like the dogs they are!
All right, I have to go — Without a Trace just referred to me as a
"cock-gobbling neo-fascist."
(Transcribed by Scott Haworth)
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Ask Zarxnol
The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
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Dear Zarxnol,
Our 14-year-old daughter is in her first year of high
school. Makeup usage is very common with the girls at
her school, but she is wearing too much of it for our
taste. Although otherwise well-adjusted, she refuses
to go out in public without her eyeliner. When we tell
her she looks much prettier without it, she gets
defensive. Should we lighten up or insist that she
stop trying to look like that Spears girl?
Grimaced in Grimsby
Grimaced:
Adolescence is undeniably a most awkward and
confounding period in one's life, Ms. Aced, most
significantly for the females of your puerile-minded,
balsa-spined species. The teen-age girl is indeed the
most prized and powerful of all human demographics —
her reproductive capacity is at its peak, her physique
takes on a form which appeals to most males, and her
prodigious hormonal surges lay the groundwork for the
frenetic caprice that your more effete
singing-songwriting emasculates nauseatingly exalt —
yet it is at this time she feels most helpless. She is
wont to seek guidance, and that guidance will be
sought naturally from her peers. Only the superior
are worthy of guiding the superior.
Teen-age human females gather, apply and advise each
other on this makeup as an affirmation of their rank
among the ultimate social echelon. Through this
face-decorating ritual, they reassure each other that
indeed they are the group in power. Through its lines
and colors, the makeup bellows the nonverbal commands
of the Young Miss Aced to all lower humans who dare
encroach her dewey sphere: Young males — kneel before
the rouge and beg to touch its bearer! Know well that
your plea will die unanswered, Boy — the makeup simply
demands your fervid bantam pride as a sacrifice! Older females — taste the
bitter loss of your youth!
Such status was once your domain, but you squandered
it on your high school quarterback with the hot Fiero,
10-year-old condoms and raging herpes! All lesser
humans — bow before Young Miss Aced, Your Decorated
Empress and Painted Sovereign!
Did you fear that your daughter applied this makeup in
an attempt to attract a mate, Grim? Are you of the
impression that these cosmetics are what males find
sexy? Simpleton! Were that the case, teen-age boys
would douse their knuckles in eyeshadow and their
fingers in lipstick and boff their own palms from dusk
till dawn! Dullard! Even at your advanced age, the
fact that a young male human will plunge his pulsating
prong into anything he can catch — cosmetics be damned
— eludes you!
I trust your daughter knows these simple facts and
will choose her eventual mate wisely — for when the
Xargolian Armies From the Sea conquer your Grimsby, I
will be seeking a superior breeding stock for my slave
hordes!
Be gone, imbecile!
Regards,
Zarxnol
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Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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