The Early Bird Fucks Frank Haskins

by Frank Haskins

Most of you people probably figure that I get fucked over the minute I step out of bed. Not true. When you're Frank Haskins, you can take it up the ol' corn shute before your day even begins.

Like this morning, for instance. Most guys probably have sex dreams about Britney Spears or Julia Roberts. Not me. I had a sex dream last night about Madeleine Albright. Even my own subconscious fucks Frank Haskins. So anyway, I'm lying in bed this morning with a "pitched tent" in my boxer shorts from my "Nightmare On Albright Street" fantasy, when I wake up, drenched in my own urine. I look over to see my hand soaking in a bowl of warm water. Looks like the work of my asshole teenage son, busting my balls again. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, my dipshit son kicks open my bedroom door and starts beating the shit out of me while some other douchebag is taping the whole thing with a camcorder. Turns out he's making an audition tape for the movie Jackass 2. So there I am, wearing nothing but an erection and a pair of urine-soaked shorts, getting my ass kicked by my own kid while the entire "Kodak moment" gets captured for posterity on film. Believe it or not, this would be the high point of my day.

I get up, go into the john to take a dump, and discover that my teenage daughter used the last of the toilet paper. Fuck it, I figure, I never liked that shower curtain anyways. After spilling hot coffee on my groin during my commute, I finally get to work. I see all my colleagues gathered around somebody's computer, laughing their asses off. So I figure that maybe I can salvage this abortion of a day with a good chuckle. Well, somebody says, "Hey Frank, you've gotta see this e-mail I just got -- it's hilarious!" So there on the screen, I see a picture of yours truly and "Not-So-Little-Frank" with the following caption:

"Bowl of warm water: $1.49. Camcorder: $489.99. The entire free world seeing a picture of your Dad wetting the bed, packing a boner, and getting the shit beat out of him by you on the Internet: Priceless."

"Fuck me over once, shame on you. Fuck me over twice, shame on me. Fuck me over three times and I must be Frank Haskins."