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6/3/03

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June 3, 2003



Bush Proposes Iraqi Capital Gains Cut

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush today announced a significant cut in the Iraqi capital gains tax in lieu of any further food, water or medical assistance to the suffering nation. "The main problem in Iraq isn't hunger, the torrent of looters, or even the collapse of their infrastructure in the wake of war, but rather that Iraq's highest wage earners are being overtaxed on the sale of investments in their portfolios," said the president. Bush said his plan also will benefit lower- and middle-class Iraqis, who will now have a maximum capital gains tax of only 15 percent on the sale of their goats.

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Automobile Manufacturers Vie for Last Three Western Place Names

DETROIT (DPI) - Bidding is fierce in the war for new automobile brand names as the 2004 introduction of the new Chrysler Las Cruces, Subaru Yosemite and Lexus Grand Teton reduced the pool of available places west of the Mississippi to three. Medford, Ore., one of the last holdouts, is said to be considering several bids for rights to its name. "The frenzy over Medford just goes to show you the marketing appeal," said industry analyst Jeffrey McCracken of the Detroit Free Press. "And 'Medford' sounds like a nerdy kid's name." The other two places, Billings, Montana and Washoe County, Nevada, are expected to bring similar interest.

An advertisement for Dodge's latest rollout.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, graphic by Kevin Wickart)


LeBron Considers Founding Religion

CLEVELAND (DPI) - Declaring that his goal of starring in the NBA is a foregone conclusion, high school basketball phenomenon LeBron James announced this week he was seeking to start his own religion. His agent denied that his 19-year-old client is overreaching with plans to become a world religious leader, saying, "People are hungry for something to give meaning to their drab, pointless lives, especially since Jordan re-retired. And, frankly, if L. Ron Hubbard and Joseph Smith can pull it off, it should be a no-brainer for LeBron." The key feature of LeBronism is said to be "salvation with serious hop and wicked moves to the hole." "I don't want to be the next Jesus Christ," James said. "I just want to be the best LeBron James I can be."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Islamic Dude Killed by Lightning

INDIANAPOLIS (DPI) - This is a true story. This guy was, he was one of those Islamic dudes, OK, so he's praying facing Islam five or six times a day almost every day, five or six times a day. My buddy's roommate knew this dude, I met the guy once and everything. OK, so he's praying this one day he's facing Islam when he gets hit by this bolt of lightning and dies. I'm not making this up, man, you can ask Cliff and he'll tell you. So Islam is the answer? Well, why'd the dude get blowed up by lightning then? If you can answer that one, I'll convert, dude.

(Reported by This One Guy)


Iraqi Minister of Information in Demand as Commencement Speaker

IRVINE, Calif. (DPI) - As the job prospects of this year's crop of graduates continue to circle the drain in ever tighter spirals, those charged with finding an appropriate commencement speaker have cast their nets ever farther. This year's prize catch is Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the recently laid-off Iraqi minister of information. "The future of college graduates, especially in high-tech, has never been brighter, with all graduates enjoying multiple high-paying offers in their chosen fields," al-Sahhaf told University of California-Irvine graduates. He concluded that "only godless infidels" doubt their ability to pay off all those college loans.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)



Affleck Sues to Wear Stupid Smirk in License Photo

Serial Killer Described as Nice, Charming, Bloody

Bush Warns SARS to Cut It Out or Face Military Action

Peterson Attorney: Laci's Death Was Jackass Stunt Gone Awry

3-Year-Old Gets Finger In to 3rd Knuckle

Bob Hope's Hemorrhoids Turn 60

1/4-Inch Thick Squirrel Not Quite Fast Enough

Bush: "Rich Pay Unfair Share of Country Club Fees"

Babysitter Paid In Folded Singles

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Canada Consolidates Top Three Deadly Diseases

OTTAWA (DPI) - Canadian Federal Health Minister Anne McLelland has approved a motion to merge and shorten the names of the nation's three biggest health scares. Mad cow disease, SARS and the West Nile virus will now be referred to simply as "Cowsarnile." The rationale for the move was to give Canadian border guards just one all-inclusive, catchy term to use while downplaying or dismissing the concerns of jittery American tourists entering the country. Officials are confident the more streamlined "Cowsarnile" will speed up lines at the numerous manned crossings along the Canadian-U.S. border. "Come to Canada, but don't worry about the cowsarnile," said McLelland.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)


Fashion Designers: "Gleeble Me Little Squid Loony!"

PARIS (DPI) - Fashion designer Lonny Ignazzi went into a frenzy yesterday, trying to paint dressing-room walls with his own urine. "We're just crazy people taking your money," witnesses quoted Ignazzi as saying before his words became unintelligible. One of his assistants attributed the episode to psychiatric problems rampant in the industry. "Ignazzi and most other fashion designers are certifiably insane," said the assistant, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "They dress emaciated women in scraps of cellophane and metal in 'designs' that you will never see on the market." An unnamed industry insider also acknowledged the existence of widespread emotional disorders. "Most of us who pay to attend these shows are direct descendants of people who crammed into the freak tent whenever the circus came to town," he said.
Models showing the new Ignazzi designs.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt, graphic by Wickart/White)


Terrorists Plan Hidden Media Messages

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned today that members of the al-Qaeda terrorist network might use the media to transmit coded instructions to its parallel porkchop fence pumpernickel hose. Rear bong speakerphone cardboard wax chirp.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Eric Robert Rudolph Caught, Subway Jared Still at Large

Speedy New Intel Chip Loses Value 200% Faster

Guantanamo Bay Rates 4 Stars in Iraqi Edition of Conde Nast

Summer Job Prospects Improved by Experience, Rack

New Dad Coins "Guaca-Caca"

Christmas Decorations Go Up at Malls Nationwide

George Lucas Finishes Counting Money Made in '83, Starts on '84

Ruben Studdard Must Complete Album, One Sit-Up by July

Whale Suspected in Plankton Massacre





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