CURRENT ISSUE 6/3/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Frank Haskins Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Professional Wrestling Referee Still Unclear on Rules RICHMOND, Va. (DPI) - They are the unsung heroes of the wrestling world, like an unappreciated rodeo clown or the Zamboni driver at the hockey rink. They are the referees of pro wrestling. Their lives can be hectic and exciting, and in one case, confusing. Lex Carlson, a referee for the Real Wrestling Federation acknowledged in a recent interview that the rules and limitations in the sport often perplex him. "I understand how to declare a winner, but everything that leads up to that 'shoulder-down count to three' seems to allow for some pretty big leeway," said Carlson. "It's not boxing, but I have to allow punching. It's not karate, but I have to allow kicking. Groin-grabs are acceptable as long as you don't twist while grabbing. It's very subtle, but I need to be right there and make sure things don't get out of hand." But he remains concerned by some of what he called the "gray areas." "During tag team matches, the second wrestler cannot enter until he has been touched on the hand by his teammate, yet the rules dictate that I must allow a manager to enter the ring if he possesses a folding chair," he said. "Non-foldable chairs, however, are forbidden, and the chair must strike a wrestler above the waist. And a wrestler is not permitted to poke an opponent in the eyes, yet it is permissible to throw any powdered substance into their eyes. It seems a bit contradictory, but what can I do? I mean, I can't even stop the match if one of the wrestlers gets thrown out into the third row. I'm required to follow them out into the aisles and officiate on the floor. Why even bother having a ring?" The behavior of the competitors also concerns Carlson, who said it seems to get more outrageous every year. "In one match, Killer Choir Boy's beautiful assistant, Luscious Lana, started flirting with me and kissing me during the match," said Carlson. "She suddenly lost interest in me and when I turned around, Killer Choir Boy had somehow knocked Dis-Honest Abe unconscious. When I finally looked at the replay, I realized that she was just distracting me while Choir Boy soaked a towel in ether and stuck it over Abe's face. I know that's illegal!" Other infractions have included a wrestler's grandmother striking her grandson's opponent with a cane; the Hindu wrestler Meat-Eater once choking an opponent with the microphone cord before a match started; and the chiropractor-turned-wrestler Baron von Backbreaker giving the Corrupt Cop an "adjustment" with his own billy club. "In all of those instances, I shook my finger at them and told them they couldn't do that, but they kept on going like I wasn't even there," said the frustrated referee. "They just ignore me and do whatever they want. I'm thinking of giving this up and taking a job where people will listen to me and do what I tell them. Maybe I could be a substitute teacher at the middle school." (Reported by Buddy Fisher)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.