CURRENT ISSUE 6/4/02 Front Page Weekly Features Movie Corner To-Do List: Robert Mueller Moth's Diary News from Travistan Advice from Strangers Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer Revealed to be Advanced Muppet WASHINGTON (DPI) - Congressional watchdogs revealed to a shocked press today that White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is an advanced form of Muppet, and not a living human being as was claimed by White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. After being outed, Fleischer defended himself to his critics. "Muppets have advanced in society to the point where we can effectively pass as human, do the work of humans and serve our country." said Fleischer. "Is it so wrong that we want to be treated as equals by our human brethren?" Whitehouse Spokesman Ari Fleischer facing questions on allegations of Muppethood. Inset: Scientist Bunsen Honeydew, accused of creating advanced muppets that can pass as humans. Public outcry has been harsh, with many interest groups calling for Fleischer's resignation. Several members of the Senate began drafting legislation to address the Muppet threat. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) called for a national Muppet registry and requirements that Muppets alert authorities to changes in job status and movement. Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) introduced a resolution calling for an independent counsel to investigate allegations that the White House knew about Fleischer before hiring him. Also on Daschle's agenda is a call to investigate rumors that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are Muppets as well, citing their baldness, blank expressions and team of "handlers" that follow both of them around as evidence of widespread Muppetization of the White House. Legislation pending from the office of Sen. Maria Cantwell (D-WA) aims to provide retraining, counseling and government services to Muppets, as well as prohibiting police profiling, ending the practice of pulling cars over for the crime of "Driving while Muppet." Muppets have achieved high levels of government office before. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former U.S. senator has come forward to decry the hatred of Muppets. Calling on legislators to be more tolerant of non-humans, this former senator reminded his colleagues of Muppet contributions to the government in the past, including wartime service, the defense of the island of Manhattan in 1984 and their exploration of space in 1999. In 1987, Illinois Sen. Paul Simon withdrew from seeking the Democratic presidential nomination after reports surfaced that his mother was half-Muppet. Former U.S. Senator, speaking on conditions of anonymity, calling for more tolerance of Muppet Americans. Reminding senators of the hypocrisy that comes from criticizing a race as a group and not a collection of individuals, the former senator chided colleagues, "I knew Fozzie Bear. Senators, you are no Fozzie Bears." (Reported by Ross Brown)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.