CURRENT ISSUE Week of June 6-10, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	June 8, 2005 Today's News Military Asserts That Koran Abuse Did Not Include Flushing WASHINGTON (DPI) - The U.S. military again today rebutted charges of abuse of Muslim holy books at the Guantanamo Bay prison. "I'm pleased to report that we have found no credible evidence that a member of the Joint Task Force at Guantanamo Bay ever flushed a Koran down a toilet," Army Brig. Gen. Jay Hood announced during a Pentagon briefing. "We have obtained credible evidence of incidents in which Korans were humped, boned, sucked off, 69'd, doggy-styled, teabagged, felched, rimmed, anal-beaded and venus flytrapped. But not a single incident of flushing, so we are still waiting on that apology, Newsweek." (Reported by Gus Harris) Bulls Form 527 to Raise Awareness WASHINGTON (DPI) - A caucus of bulls has hired a K Street public-relations firm and formed a 527 group aiming to stop the use of the word "bullshit" as a synonym for "lies." Lawrence Anson, president of Citizens for Balanced Fecal References, said the group wants to raise awareness and eventually make bovine sensitivity an issue in the 2006 Congressional races. "For too long, the American bull and his waste have been undeservedly synonymous with dishonesty," said Anson. "These noble creatures who represent strength and a surging economy will bear this slight silently no more." Anson acknowledged that altering the national vernacular would be a long-term process, and a less offensive term is often required as a substitute for a perceived slur. To this end, Anson suggested America revisit "horseshit," the predominant synonym for dishonesty throughout the 19th century. "Not gonna happen," countered Phil Blackmon of the Equine Equality Coalition. "The horses have a full lobby, and DeLay is on our payroll. Nice try though, Whopper Junior!" (Reported by Lars Eisenberg) National Press Club Awards Waterskiing Squirrel Lifetime Achievement Award WASHINGTON (DPI) - Nutty, better known as the waterskiing squirrel seen on many local television news programs as last- minute filler in place of real news, has been awarded the National Press Club's Lifetime Achievement Award for his contributions to the development and evolution of prime-time and late-night television news. Nutty received the prestigious award at the club's annual "Year in Review" luncheon June 6. Club president Richard Dunham said Nutty's contribution to television journalism has been immensely appreciated. "The fast-paced world of 24-hour news networks and local news broadcasts have made it very difficult to fill an entire program with hardcore, high-impact news stories," Dunham said. " But thanks to this brave little squirrel, we've been able to break that cycle and provide viewers with something to smile at at the end of the day, even though they realize the world is being threatened by violent tension and mass nuclear production, and for that, we thank you." Nutty accepted his award but said few words because he is a fucking squirrel. The audience, however, stared lovingly at the creature and let out a long "Awww" in unison followed by a standing ovation. (Reported by Danny Gallagher) Headlines Hizbollah Wins Lebanese Election; Nader Second Saddam Charges Include Mass Murder, Blatant Jaywalking Supreme Court No Longer Called "High Court" Apple Switches Chip Supplier From IBM to Buffalo Russell Crowe Arraigned on Charge of Being Russell Crowe (advertisement) New Diet Pill Removes Hunger! Hoodia Gordonii Diet Pills As demonstrated on 60 minutes, the new diet pill that kills your appetite, ups your mood, and gives you waves upon waves of energy! The new Hoodoba™ Hoodia diet pill kills the appetite and attacks obesity, is organic with no synthetic or artificial appetite control agents, and has no known side effects. It contains a miracle substance, derived from the hoodia gordonii plant in Africa, that fools the brain into believing you are full — and even stops you from thinking about food. Hoodia has been used for years by the San people of South Africa as a natural appetite suppressant, with NO unwanted side effects. Click here to see the full story on this amazing new discovery. (advertisement) Probeatorials I'm Sick of Supporting These Lazy, Good-For-Nothing Troops A guest Probeatorial by Simon Paul I've been supporting a couple of Army Reservists living in my garage ever since they came back from Iraq a year ago. They came to me with some sob story about the Pentagon cutting their combat pay and how their boss gave their jobs away after their tours of duty were involuntarily extended ... blah, blah, blah, bitch, bitch, bitch. So who's been supporting them? Me. Do they ever chip in for beer money? No. Do they ever help out with the rent? No. "Oh," they say, "the plant closed in town and there are no jobs available! Oh, Wal-Mart doesn't provide health insurance!" I don't want to hear it, soldier boy. I've got a yellow ribbon sticker on my car. What more do you want from me?! What these troops need is tough love. Kick 'em out of the house and make them fend for themselves. Weren't they supposed to be learning survival skills in the Army? You can dodge shrapnel without sufficient armor-plating, but you can't make your way in the Bush economy? Sink or swim, troops, that's what I say. But if you all want to support the troops so much, how about taking some of your SUV gas money and putting up a couple in your own damn garage. (Transcribed by Slick Sharkey) Today's Daily Probe Special Feature Notable quotes from this week's news: "They're out of touch. The court was convinced 80 percent of the pain it was being used for came from skateboarding accidents." - Attorney Jake Patterson, commenting on the High Court's rejection of Medicinal Marijuana use "It was an accident. Inadvertent. [A guard] was reading it to better understand the wonder of Muslim religion when a big bird swooped down and snatched it. He, of course, discharged his weapon at the bird, hitting the bird, but also the book. The wounded animal fell quickly, real quickly, from way, way up. Way up. The friction caught the bird and the book on fire, you know, like when a spacecraft re-enters the atmosphere. So to not have the entire place burn down, he [urinated] on the whole thing. Maybe there was dog poop involved in there somewhere, I don't remember." - Excerpt from a Pentagon report explaining the accidental burning, shooting, ripping, urinating on and fecal covering of the Koran in the Guantanamo Bay detention center "The prosecutors asked to pipe [the last album] into the jury room. I think that says all you need to know." - An unnamed record executive commenting on the quality of Michael Jackson's post-Thriller work "The guy has pictures of the U.N. on his toilet paper, that's why." - Sen. Christopher Dodd on opposing John Bolton's nomination as U.N. ambassador (Compiled by Davejames)
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