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June 11, 2002



Ted Nugent Hunts, Kills Bono

SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL AFRICA (DPI) - Rock guitarist and hunting enthusiast Ted Nugent yesterday successfully tracked down and killed socially conscious U2 frontman Bono. "It wasn't too hard to track him," gloated the right-wing rocker, "I just listened for incessant liberal whining with a slight Irish brogue." Nugent set out on safari for Bono after tiring of the "liberal bullshit" about forgiveness of African debt. "I say let them pay their own fucking Discover Card bills," said Nugent. Said the ACLU, "We are saddened by the loss of one of our most active members, but recognize Mr. Nugent's act of murder as an assertion of his First Amendment rights."

(Reported by Miles Walker, Graphic by Chris White)


"Popey the Pope" Cartoon to Delight Catholic Children

VATICAN CITY (DPI) - In an attempt to regain the trust of children disillusioned with the Roman Catholic Church, the Vatican today unveiled a new mascot, "Popey the Pope." The animated scamp will star in his own cartoon series, driving his popemobile and leading his gang of rapscallions including "Buddy Bishop," "Krazy Kardinal," and "Porky the Priest." "We've seen enough frustrated parents dragging their frightened kids into church," said a Vatican spokesman. "So we've created delightful characters who will absolutely not engage in inappropriate touching." Life-size characters will appear at churches nationwide, handing out balloons to kids and singing anti-molestation songs.

(Reported by George MacMillan)


Launch Delays Prompt Accusation: NASA Afraid of Commitment

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (DPI) - After space shuttle Endeavour suffered multiple setbacks in the scheduling of its latest launch, the distressed vehicle is now openly questioning just how sure NASA is that it really, really wants a space station at all. Earlier delays were ascribed to technical difficulties, but Endeavour feared even then that cold feet were to blame. "A shuttle dreams its whole life for that big day," said Endeavour. "Launch officials just think it's an excuse for another party." Endeavour, currently finishing the launch plans by itself, is reportedly not speaking to NASA. After returning to earth, the distraught shuttle plans to stay with family in the Vehicle Assembly Building.

(Reported by Martin Bredeck)


Heavy Metal Musician Fired for Not Wielding Guitar Like 4-Foot Cock

LONDON (DPI) - Legendary heavy metal band Iron Maiden dumped lead guitarist Dave Murray today after complaints that Murray had consistently been "unwilling to flail his guitar like a massive wood-and-chrome pecker." According to lead singer Bruce Dickinson, "Dave's a great guitar player, but he doesn't sling his guitar about in a cock-like manner way that our fans expect." According to Dickinson Murray had consistently failed to dry-hump his guitar onstage, plant the bottom of it into his genitals while playing solos, or slide the peghead between the thighs of front-row groupies. "To Dave, it's just a guitar. But to fans, it's 10 pounds of electrified, eardrum-splitting man-root."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Spate of Injuries Threatens World Cup Play

DAEGU, South Korea (DPI) - The 2002 FIFA World Cup is in danger of running out of players after a rash of injuries took its toll on first-round play. Some teams are actually-- wait, there goes another player! He's writhing around on the ground! His ankle may be broken. Uh-oh, they're actually bringing out a STRETCHER!! This can't be good. These brave players are dropping -- but wait... he's back on his feet! What a marvelous show of fortitude. They play on, and-- oh, my, ANOTHER player has fallen, clutching his head in agony! The stretcher is coming agai-- wait, he's up and shaking it off. What strength, what resolve... what heroes these men are!

(Reported by Chris White)




Bush Panics as Algernon Can No Longer Figure Out Maze

U.S. Citizens That Like Clean Bathrooms Strongly Urged to Leave India, Pakistan

McCartney Makes New Wife Sign No-Singing Pre-Nup

Radio Station Bans R. Kelly's CD Because It Sucks

Barry Bonds' Second Mouth Denies Steroid Rumors

Godzilla Misunderstood, Says Godzilla

Shaolin Priest Shocks Cowboy With Kick in Head

Bush Seeks to Define Word "Knew" in Pre-9/11 Scandal

Bungee Jumper Won't Make That Mistake Again

Flea-Market Shopper Scores Wool Poncho, Fleas

More headlines




Studies Show Zombie, Non-Zombie Teens Don't Mix

Pakistan's Chocolate Clashes With India's Peanut Butter

Report: Bin Laden Warned CIA About Attacks




Idiot Vegetarian: Meatless Alternative "Just Like Meat"

SEATTLE (DPI) - The Freshest Garden Company's new Down Home Tofu Jerky Snacks taste "just like real meat," said active vegetarian and Seattle-area idiot Jennifer DeMarco. DeMarco, who hasn't eaten any sort of meat at all in more than 11 years, claimed the blocks of teriyaki-spiced processed organic soy are "really rich and hearty." Sources close to DeMarco indicate that she hasn't been this idiotically wrong since a 1999 potluck when she tried to pass off a bland pot of watery vegan gruel as "Zesty Bandito Chili." In 1997, DeMarco seriously considered suing a Bellevue pizza parlor after finding a small piece of sausage in a mushroom calzone.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Advertisement

Man's Struggle With Popcorn Enters Day 25

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - After a long struggle to remove a remnant of popcorn lodged between a back molar and his gum, Los Angeles resident Barry Harrison is calling in the experts. The fragment, which has defied all forms of flossing, tonguing and business carding, first inserted itself during a haphazard chewing at a screening of Spider-Man. Said Pam Peterson, a dental hygienist enlisted to remove the foreign body, "The popcorn kernel is extremely hazardous. Its polymer coating makes it slide easily between the teeth." The ADA suggests placing each piece on your tongue, softening into a saliva laden paste, and gumming. "At no time should you actually chew," said Peterson.

(Reported by Davejames)


FBI Admits Agents Not Trained to See Obvious

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Director Robert Mueller said this week that the FBI might have prevented the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks if the terrorists hadn't been so obvious about it. "We are trained to sniff out sneaky, devious types. When guys are blatantly taking flight lessons, using flight simulators and fake passports, the obviousness of it all kind of slips by." Mueller said that had the terrorists used some sort of tricky code or taken secret flight lessons on the black market, "we'd have been on them in a minute."

(Reported by George MacMillan)


Book Review: Cheney's Sneering Your Way to the Top
Parent: Cat in Road "Just Resting"
Co-Worker Says "Great!" More Than 30 Times a Day
"Enron Field" Now "Minute Maid Park"; Astros Feeling Pretty, Oh So Pretty
Climatologists on Global Warming: It IS the Humidity
Michael Skakel Sentenced to Assassination
World Cup: England to Keep Falklands 4 More Years
Woody Harrelson Arrested, Plays Dumb
Investigators Find More Decomposed Remains of Condit's Career
Sgt. Schultz Pleads Fifth




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