June 11, 2002
Ted Nugent Hunts, Kills Bono
SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL AFRICA (DPI) - Rock guitarist and hunting
enthusiast Ted Nugent yesterday successfully tracked down and killed socially conscious U2 frontman Bono.
"It wasn't too hard to track him," gloated the right-wing rocker, "I just
listened for incessant liberal whining with a slight Irish brogue." Nugent
set out on safari for Bono after tiring of the "liberal bullshit" about
forgiveness of African debt. "I say let them pay their own fucking
Discover Card bills," said Nugent. Said the ACLU, "We are saddened by the
loss of one of our most active members, but recognize Mr. Nugent's act of
murder as an assertion of his First Amendment rights."
(Reported by Miles Walker, Graphic by Chris White)
"Popey the Pope" Cartoon to Delight Catholic Children
VATICAN CITY (DPI) - In an attempt to regain the trust of children
disillusioned with the Roman Catholic Church, the Vatican today unveiled a
new mascot, "Popey the Pope." The animated scamp will star in his own
cartoon series, driving his popemobile and leading his gang of
rapscallions including "Buddy Bishop," "Krazy Kardinal," and "Porky the
Priest." "We've seen enough frustrated parents dragging their frightened
kids into church," said a Vatican spokesman. "So we've created delightful
characters who will absolutely not engage in inappropriate touching."
Life-size characters will appear at churches nationwide, handing out
balloons to kids and singing anti-molestation songs.
(Reported by George MacMillan)
Launch Delays Prompt Accusation: NASA Afraid of Commitment
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (DPI) - After space shuttle Endeavour suffered
multiple setbacks in the scheduling of its latest launch, the distressed
vehicle is now openly questioning just how sure NASA is that it really,
really wants a space station at all. Earlier delays were ascribed to
technical difficulties, but Endeavour feared even then that cold feet were
to blame. "A shuttle dreams its whole life for that big day," said
Endeavour. "Launch officials just think it's an excuse for another party."
Endeavour, currently finishing the launch plans by itself, is reportedly
not speaking to NASA. After returning to earth, the distraught shuttle
plans to stay with family in the Vehicle Assembly Building.
(Reported by Martin Bredeck)
Heavy Metal Musician Fired for Not Wielding Guitar Like 4-Foot Cock
LONDON (DPI) - Legendary heavy metal band Iron Maiden dumped lead
guitarist Dave Murray today after complaints that Murray had consistently
been "unwilling to flail his guitar like a massive wood-and-chrome
pecker." According to lead singer Bruce Dickinson, "Dave's a great guitar
player, but he doesn't sling his guitar about in a cock-like manner way
that our fans expect." According to Dickinson Murray had consistently
failed to dry-hump his guitar onstage, plant the bottom of it into his
genitals while playing solos, or slide the peghead between the thighs of
front-row groupies. "To Dave, it's just a guitar. But to fans, it's 10
pounds of electrified, eardrum-splitting man-root."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Spate of Injuries Threatens World Cup Play
DAEGU, South Korea (DPI) - The 2002 FIFA World Cup is in danger of running
out of players after a rash of injuries took its toll on first-round play.
Some teams are actually-- wait, there goes another player! He's writhing
around on the ground! His ankle may be broken. Uh-oh, they're actually
bringing out a STRETCHER!! This can't be good. These brave players are
dropping -- but wait... he's back on his feet! What a marvelous show of
fortitude. They play on, and-- oh, my, ANOTHER player has fallen,
clutching his head in agony! The stretcher is coming agai-- wait, he's up
and shaking it off. What strength, what resolve... what heroes these men are!
(Reported by Chris White)
Bush Panics as Algernon Can No Longer Figure Out Maze
U.S. Citizens That Like Clean Bathrooms Strongly Urged to Leave India, Pakistan
McCartney Makes New Wife Sign No-Singing Pre-Nup
Radio Station Bans R. Kelly's CD Because It Sucks
Barry Bonds' Second Mouth Denies Steroid Rumors
Godzilla Misunderstood, Says Godzilla
Shaolin Priest Shocks Cowboy With Kick in Head
Bush Seeks to Define Word "Knew" in Pre-9/11 Scandal
Bungee Jumper Won't Make That Mistake Again
Flea-Market Shopper Scores Wool Poncho, Fleas
Studies Show Zombie, Non-Zombie Teens Don't Mix
Pakistan's Chocolate Clashes With India's Peanut Butter
Report: Bin Laden Warned CIA About Attacks
Idiot Vegetarian: Meatless Alternative "Just Like Meat"
SEATTLE (DPI) - The Freshest Garden Company's new Down Home Tofu Jerky
Snacks taste "just like real meat," said active vegetarian and
Seattle-area idiot Jennifer DeMarco. DeMarco, who hasn't eaten any sort of
meat at all in more than 11 years, claimed the blocks of teriyaki-spiced
processed organic soy are "really rich and hearty." Sources close to
DeMarco indicate that she hasn't been this idiotically wrong since a 1999
potluck when she tried to pass off a bland pot of watery vegan gruel as
"Zesty Bandito Chili." In 1997, DeMarco seriously considered suing a
Bellevue pizza parlor after finding a small piece of sausage in a mushroom
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Man's Struggle With Popcorn Enters Day 25
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - After a long struggle to remove a remnant of
popcorn lodged between a back molar and his gum, Los Angeles
resident Barry Harrison is calling in the experts. The fragment, which has
defied all forms of flossing, tonguing and business carding, first
inserted itself during a haphazard chewing at a screening of Spider-Man.
Said Pam Peterson, a dental hygienist enlisted to remove the foreign body,
"The popcorn kernel is extremely hazardous. Its polymer coating makes it
slide easily between the teeth." The ADA suggests placing each piece on
your tongue, softening into a saliva laden paste, and gumming. "At no
time should you actually chew," said Peterson.
(Reported by Davejames)
FBI Admits Agents Not Trained to See Obvious
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Director Robert Mueller said this week
that the FBI might have prevented the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks if the
terrorists hadn't been so obvious about it. "We are trained to sniff out
sneaky, devious types. When guys are blatantly taking flight lessons,
using flight simulators and fake passports, the obviousness of it all kind
of slips by." Mueller said that had the terrorists used some sort of
tricky code or taken secret flight lessons on the black market, "we'd have
been on them in a minute."
(Reported by George MacMillan)
Book Review: Cheney's Sneering Your Way to the Top
Parent: Cat in Road "Just Resting"
Co-Worker Says "Great!" More Than 30 Times a Day
"Enron Field" Now "Minute Maid Park"; Astros Feeling Pretty, Oh So Pretty
Climatologists on Global Warming: It IS the Humidity
Michael Skakel Sentenced to Assassination
World Cup: England to Keep Falklands 4 More Years
Woody Harrelson Arrested, Plays Dumb
Investigators Find More Decomposed Remains of Condit's Career
Sgt. Schultz Pleads Fifth