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6/11/02

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	News from Travistan The Daily Probe Reports from the Sovereign Apartment Nation of Travistan

Travistan Accuses Local Restaurant
of Producing Chemical Weapons

TRAVAMABAD (DPI) - The apartment-nation of Travistan today issued a strong statement to a Honolulu noodle shop, accusing the organization of stockpiling terroristic spices to use in the production of noxious and potentially hazardous gases. The shop, Saito's House of Noodles on Kapiolani Avenue, refused to have its back storage area inspected by Travistani investigators after a meal of beef curry and rice left President Travis "bloated, edgy, and possibly contaminated with exotic materials." Travistan accused the shop's owner, Mr. Junichiro "Jay" Saito, of disguising potentially explosive chemicals under the guise of delicious noodle shop offerings, including fried gyoza dumplings and extremely unstable kim chee compounds mixed with vegetables. Once so prepared, the chemical weapons were thought to be smuggled unwittingly across the Travistani border, where the potential for dangerous emission into the presidential bedroom was extremely high during the night.

In a rare display of political solidarity, the Travistani first lady expressed her support of the self-declared president and dictator-for-life's accusation, stating, "The use of chemical warfare is a matter that affects all Travistanis." Speaking at 2:14 a.m. Travistani Standard Time from the impromptu quarantine station of the living room couch, a dyspeptic President Travis vowed to continue his probe of other potential chemical violations. By returning peacekeeping forces to Saito's each week to analyze samples of the shop's won ton ramen, fried spicy noodles, gyoza and other suspicious substances, he hopes to isolate the specific substance used as a method of distribution. "We will analyze gyoza after gyoza after gyoza if we have to," he said. "Additionally, the Travistan Bureau of Finance is following up on the possibility that Saito is funded by an underground terrorist network, as clearly no small-business man could afford to sell a fried rice/mini ramen lunch combo for only $5.95. Much further investigation is needed."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)