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June 17, 2005

Today's News

Gallagher Not Dead!

LAUGHLIN, Nev. (DPI) — Recent accounts of an alleged assault by comedian Gallagher has alerted the public to the fact that Gallagher is not dead — news that came as a shock to many of his old fans. "Oh yeah, I remember Gallagher," said Brianna Williams of Chicago. "He'd do gags about getting in trouble for acting smart in school and then he smashed fruit for some reason. Didn't he die back in '93? Really?" Entertainment analysts predict the revelation of his non-deceased status will do little to help his career, which has not been as lucky.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Bush Balks at Increasing Aid to Africa, Pledges Membership Reward Points

WASHINGTON (DPI) — President Bush stopped short of backing British Prime Minister Tony Blair's ambitious plan to double aid to Africa, promising instead to provide reward points that the struggling African nations can earn simply by using their credit cards. "The good book tells us, 'Man does not live by bread alone,'" said the president. "That's why we're offering Africa the opportunity to become an 'ownership continent.' Every time a starving, destitute African uses their Visa, MasterCard or Discover card, they'll earn exclusive bonus points that they can use towards the purchase of a magazine subscription or a Presto Hot Dogger." Bush reminded the struggling African nations that these bonus points would expire soon if not used.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Senators Repair Image by Apologizing for Wrongs They Didn't Do

WASHINGTON (DPI) — In a bold move guaranteed to divert attention from a litany of recent embarassments, the U.S. Senate agreed to express regret for anti-lynching laws that were stalled by former Senate members. "It is a shame that it took so long for us to come up with a diversion like this," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. Minority leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., agreed. "It's inexcusable that we didn't think of apologizing for someone else's mistakes before," he said. The House of Representatives, clearly impressed with the effort to get pesky constituents off their backs while simultaneously dodging embarrassing yet warranted attention, has begun to draft a formal apology to descendants of Titanic victims who might have been saved if only someone had thought to permit legislation dealing with safety standards.

(Reported by Ron Bottomly)


Terri Schiavo's Brain Half Normal Size; Still Awaiting Word on Tom DeLay's

Neverland Staffers Show Support for Boss by Putting His Stuff Back

Confused San Antonio Fans Chant "Red Wings Suck"

This Headline 100% Michael Jackson Free

Study: Most Women Creeped the Hell Out When Guys Ask "Who's Your Daddy?" With Dicks in Them

Jacksons Celebrate With Champagne, Enfamil


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(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

This week's guest:

McDonald's New Fruit & Walnut Salad

Joan: It's a happy day here in Joanville — we have McDonald's new Fruit & Walnut Salad in the house!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hello!

Joan: I just want to jump right in here with a question, because that's what I do best, right?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Go right ahead.

Joan: What the hell is a Fruit Buzz(tm)?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: It's what you get after eating one of me!

Joan: But what exactly is it? Is there some chemical additive involved? Is it legal?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, no, it's just a natural feeling of euphoria one gets after eating a Fruit & Walnut Salad. We call it a Fruit Buzz(tm).

Joan: Really.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Sure! And any meal is a great time for a Fruit Buzz(tm)!

Joan: But you're just apple slices and grapes and a little container of vanilla yogurt.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Don't forget the candied walnuts!

Joan: I hate walnuts. But you're telling me that if I go home and pull out an apple and some grapes and a container of yogurt, I'll get a homemade Fruit Buzz(tm)?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: You'd need candied walnuts.

Joan: Okay, for the sake of argument, I'll throw in sugar encrusted walnuts. Now can I get a self-induced buzz?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, it's only available at McDonald's.

Joan: For less than $3 a throw. Because you're saying there's nothing extra in it.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, you need our salad.

Joan: Because, I'm just saying, it's only apples and grapes.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: And walnuts.

Joan: Screw the walnuts!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hey, hey, I'm a family-friendly Ronald McDonald-approved product, ma'am. We do not screw walnuts.

Joan: I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to get a buzz on before you got here. Lean over so I can grab some apples ... wait, where are you going?

Fruit & Walnut Salad:

Joan: Well, thanks to our friend the Fruit & Walnut Salad for helping us understand the Fruit Buzz(tm).

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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