(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
Man Attacked by Shower Curtain
PHILADELPHIA (DPI) - A local man survived an assault by his shower
curtain Friday night. "For some reason, my water pressure was exceptionally
powerful that night," said Jim Haskins, 39. "When I turned on the water, the shower curtain started
whipping around like it was possessed. Eventually it
wrap itself around my neck and was strangling me. Fortunately my wife was
to hear my muffled screams and beat the curtain until it let loose." The
shower curtain is being held without bail on charges of attempted
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Hillary Signs Books, Melts Protesters With Eye Beam Death Ray
Bush Admits Not Being Elected in '00, Claims Eligibility for '08
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a surprising reversal, George W. Bush admitted
that he was not, in fact, elected president in the 2000 election, and
claims therefore that there is no constitutional bar to his running for
a third term in 2008. "According to the 22nd Amendment, 'No person
shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice,'" Bush
explained. "It doesn't say anything about being judicially installed
once and then elected two more times." With Bush's popularity still
high, despite Iraqi war doubts and a shaky economy, Democrats were quick
to defend Bush's 2000 election victory. "Oh no," said Sen. Hillary
Clinton, D-N.Y. "Bush was most definitely elected in 2000. Fair and square."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Demi Moore's Breasts Still Slowly Sagging
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) Despite spending an estimated $400,000 on cosmetic
procedures in 2002, Demi Moore's breasts continue to sag at an incremental
"Regrettably, we've recorded a 2-millimeter drop over last year," said
consultant Furio Gargas, who was lead engineer on the
Tower of Pisa stabilization project. He now heads up Moore's maintenance
team. "It doesn't sound like a lot, but what people don't realize is that if
not checked, the process actually speeds up."
The team's greatest fear is that Moore's breasts will reach a point of no
return. "Anna Nicole spent one afternoon in the back yard without a bra and
she's still scrubbing grass stains off her nipples. Very sad," said Gargas.
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Umpires Discover Cork in Sonia Sosa's Dildo
CHICAGO (DPI) - A crew of Major League Baseball umpires yesterday
made the uncomfortable discovery that Sonia Sosa, wife of all-star
Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, has been using a corked marital aid during
games. When yesterday's game ended early, umpires were shocked
to find Mrs. Sosa in their locker room, rounding third and headed for
home with the illegally modified tool. Mrs. Sosa admitted that she
added the cork to an otherwise legal 7-inch silicone "Louisville Lover," but said she was forced to do so because years of steroid abuse have left her
husband with severely shriveled genitalia.
"My Louie been berry, berry good to me," she said.
(Reported by Miles Walker and Tristan Fabriani)
Gopher Cuddling Down 27%
13 Suicide Bombers Dead in Innocent Bystander Explosion
Anna Nicole Smith Bedridden With "Codger Pox"
Waterfowl's Annual Migration Ends on Grill of '89 Chevy Blazer
Raelians to Join Scientologists in Gullibalooza '03
White House: Big Ol' Drum of "Sumpn-Sumpn" Found in Iraq
Peck, Brinkley Dead in Gay Suicide Pact
Rumsfeld Recommends "Mortal Kombat" Character to Joint Chiefs of Staff
Fighting Erupts Over Proper Way to Fold Road Map
Steinbrenner Fires 3,000th
This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell
David Lee Roth Wants Road Map to Peace
National Oil Slick Week a "Disaster"
Rumsfeld, Powell Address Rift
Man Abandons Goal of Destroying Urinal Cake With His Piss
LITTLE RIDGE, Kan. (DPI) - Truck driver Walter
"Sonny" Jenkins has given up on his lifelong dream of
annihilating a urinal cake using only a concentrated
stream of his own urine. "It's tough to let go," he said. "Ever
since I was a kid I've been trying to achieve this.
But now, I accept that it just can't be done. It's
just a dream down the drain, like piss swirling
through galvanized pipe."
Refusing to be beaten, however, Jenkins has chosen a new toilet-based goal.
"Now, I'm trying to pinch out a humongous horse-sized
crap, like one I saw in a toilet at a Topeka
(Reported by Miles Walker)
New Season of The Osbournes Promises OD, Stabbing
NEW YORK (DPI) - MTV Network, announcing the renewal of its hit reality series
"The Osbournes," has promised viewers "at least one overdose, several vomit
scenes, animal feces, condoms, drunkenness, and ass," according to a press
release. Popular for its frank portrayal of the former heavy metal rocker's family life, one critic has described the show as "a breeding ground for homicidal tendencies,
domestic abuse and general depravity." In its statement, the network said,
"Depravity won't even begin to describe next season, in which Kelly invents
an entirely new catalogue of profanity, Jack fills his bong with
gasoline-soaked Poly-Fil, and Ozzy goes in for an on-screen prostate exam."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Animals Spare Mankind in Narrow Vote
SECRET ANIMAL ISLAND (DPI) - Mankind can rest easy today as the Council
of Sentient Animals voted to postpone man's destruction. Despite palace
officials' efforts with cries of "Bipeds of Evil" and "they eat us for
dinner," the Animal Kingdom never connected with the issue. "The Animal
public has a notoriously short attention span," said veteran bird news
analyst Pretty Pink Lady. "The palace administration can spend hours
whipping up a crowd with a convincing argument for war, but if a single
colorful butterfly floats overhead, they're back to square one".
(Reported by Davejames)