CURRENT ISSUE 06/17/03 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List Riding Shotgun With Adventure Frank Haskins Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	David Lee Roth Wants Road Map to Peace LOS ANGELES (DPI) The spectacular diplomatic failures between Israel and Palestine have not quashed all interest in President Bush's so-called "Road Map To Peace." Former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth said if Sharon and Abbas don't want it, he's willing to take it off their hands and give it a try, with the goal of healing the long time rift with his former bandmates. "I see a lot of relevant points in President Bush's vision," said Roth from Dickker's Pub in Santa Monica, where he now performs four shows a week. "It's a three-stage approach, which I liked right off the bat. Doing it in small steps like that gives me and the boys a chance to develop the relationship beyond the current climate of icy silence and the occasional keying of cars. Gods willing, it will take us to that third and perhaps most critical stage, where we both issue statements explicitly acknowledging the other's contributions to the band's overall success, not just the 1977-86 period." "He actually said that?" said an incredulous Eddie Van Halen when contacted for comment. "What a prick! Nothing changes! Tell that waddling, self-important douche-monkey to hang onto his hair plugs. He better learn the words to 'Cracklin' Rosie' by his next show, because his days of doing 'Jump' covers royalty-free are so fucking over." Parties on both sides have since referred all calls for comment to their respective attorneys. (Reported by Brad Osberg)
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