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June 18, 2002



Bob Seger Releases New Album of Truck Songs

DETROIT (DPI) - Classic rock icon Bob Seger is ending his hibernation with a brand new album featuring nothing but songs about pickup trucks. Seger, whose ubiquitous 1986 hit Like a Rock earns him millions of dollars as the theme for a series of Chevrolet truck commercials, says the new album is titled Like a Truck. Among the dozen new tunes are Tough as Nails, Rock Solid, Built to Last, Construction Site Beauty and Flatbed Fortitude. Seger is currently in negotiations with Chevrolet over advertising rights to "a few" of the songs.

(Reported by Chris White)


New Dictionary to Include Index of Words

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (DPI) - Merriam-Webster Inc. announced today that the 2003 edition of the best-selling dictionary would include a complete, alphabetical index of words featured in the edition. "This is certainly a proud day for the Merriam-Webster family," said John Morse, president and publisher of Merriam-Webster Inc. "We are on the cutting edge of the business and this move will ensure efficiency and quality in the search for the right word." Morse said the index would also serve to help word-searchers find the meaning and pronunciation of a word if they are unfamiliar with its spelling by looking for the word alphabetically in the new index.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


NBC Announces 17th Law & Order Spin-off




Directorial Intervention Takes Star Wars From Lucas

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The Wachowski brothers (The Matrix) and M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense) were among a group of directors who stormed the offices of Lucasfilm Ltd. yesterday and wrest control of Star Wars: Episode III from a stunned George Lucas. "They were no longer good for each other," Shyamalan explained, adding, "Someone really should have done this the moment the first Ewok was ever put on screen." Lucas will undergo treatment which may include shock therapy while watching sappy, awkward, and poorly scripted romantic scenes.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Pakistan-India Conflict Escalated to Sarcasm, "Your Mother" Jokes

ISLAMABAD (DPI): In a step destined to ratchet tensions upward, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf today unleashed a barrage of withering sarcasm and derogatory comments at Indian President K.R. Narayanan. "Ooh, like we're all scared of people wearing pajamas," Musharraf said, adding, "although pajamas are about right for Narayanan's mother, in her line of work. That, and a bag over her head." "Like I care what that little man says in his little country of goat-herders," Narayanan responded. "And at 25 rupees a pop, his ugly mother cannot afford to pause long enough to even put clothes on." Political analysts gave the advantage to Pakistan in this round, citing the derivative nature of India's comeback.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Black & Decker Unveils Daisy Cutter Weed Whacker

TOWSON, Md. (DPI) - Black & Decker today announced the addition of the Daisy Cutter 350-horsepower cordless diesel line trimmer to its American Freedom lawn-care product line. The device can be used to trim lawns, clear-cut hardwood forests and excavate standard military trenches, and will retail for $25,899. "Americans feel pretty helpless in light of terrorist attacks, and want that feeling of complete and total yard domination that a screaming 350-horsepower weed whacker capable of felling an oak gives them," stated marketing director Russ Alman. "Yard work is one area where Americans don't need to take any guff."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)




"Teflon Don" Keeps Slipping Out of Casket

McCartney Has No Trouble Locating Garter

Flag Maker Warns Colors Will Run if Washed in Warm Temperatures

Obsessive/Compulsives Relieved "Dirty Bomber" Stopped

Drowsiness-Induced Hard-Ons Responsible for 4% of Firings

Tensions Rise as India Watching Eastwood, Bronson Movies

Condoleezza Rice Briefs Bush on "Jews You Can Use"

Jayson Williams: You Can't Stop Shaq, You Can Only Hope to Murder Him

Moussaoui to Serve as Own Lawyer, Executioner

Driver's Claim to Whole Damn Road Disputed With Tire Iron

More headlines




Carnival Workers Honored at 12th Annual "Carnie" Awards

Fucking Ya-Ya Causes Detroit Man to Miss the Fucking Game




Blake Investigators Look to Full-Page "Murder My Wife" Ad

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Prosecutors in the Robert Blake murder case are pointing to a March 2001 full-page ad in the Los Angeles Times that read, "Former Child and Cop Actor Looking For Someone to Kill His Wife -- Gun and Coffee Refills Provided," as evidence that Blake had long sought to have his wife killed. According to Blake's attorney, Harland Braun, the ad, paid for by a check in Robert Blake's name, proves nothing. "Last time I checked," stated Braun, "a newspaper ad never killed anyone. Can you find Blake's DNA anywhere on those ads? Has the newspaper been dusted for retired Detective Mark Fuhrman's prints?"

(Reported by Davejames)


Al-Qaeda Prisoners Providing "Useful" Information

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Al-Qaeda prisoners captured during the United States' war on terrorism continue to provide "valuable" information to intelligence officials during FBI interrogations. Prisoners have hinted that future attacks against America may involve bioterrorism, scuba diving, hang gliders, go-karts, ice cream trucks and herds of sheep. "We take every suggestion seriously," one official stated while rolling his eyes. "Official policy is to investigate every possibility, even if it does involve cotton-candy vendors." Future anti-terrorist plans include a U.S.-led defense against al-Qaeda plans to destroy the moon, and a serum to stop "anti-infidel-thrax," if there is such a thing.

(Reported by George MacMillan)


Advertisement

PBS Fundraisers to Make Your Children Cry Until They Reach Goal

NEW YORK (DPI) - Fed up with deadbeat viewers who never offer financial support, PBS announced that it will pressure viewers to increase donations by replacing popular children's programs with whining for more pledge money. "The time has come for us to stop being milquetoast-y liberal pushovers," said Richard Wykowski, PBS public relations director. "Relentless pleading and begging for money during Antiques Roadshow used to be enough, but our viewers have gotten stingier. So from now on, we'll be beating on child viewers during Teletubbies and Clifford the Big Red Dog." When questioned about the harshness of the new approach, Wykowski responded, "We're done being the educational mammary glands for the public."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Poodle-Stomping Fad Reluctantly Made a Crime
Tyson Questioned in Lewis Children-Consumption Tragedy
Bible No Help Whatsoever With Beer Choice
Bryant Gumbel Out in Den Interviewing Invisible Friends
Cloning Foes Declared Safe From That Consideration
Ashcroft: 18,763 Other Guys Named Jose Padilla "Probably Not Terrorists Yet"
Clemens Vows to Brush Back Bin Laden
Lakers Take NBA, NHL Titles, World Cup
Jared Found Purging in Subway Restroom




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