June 18, 2002
Bob Seger Releases New Album of Truck Songs
DETROIT (DPI) - Classic rock icon Bob Seger is ending his hibernation with a
brand new album featuring nothing but songs about pickup trucks. Seger,
whose ubiquitous 1986 hit Like a Rock earns him millions of dollars as the
theme for a series of Chevrolet truck commercials, says the new album is
titled Like a Truck. Among the dozen new tunes are Tough as Nails,
Rock Solid, Built to Last, Construction Site Beauty and Flatbed
Fortitude. Seger is currently in negotiations with Chevrolet over advertising rights
to "a few" of the songs.
(Reported by Chris White)
New Dictionary to Include Index of Words
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (DPI) - Merriam-Webster Inc. announced today that
the 2003 edition of the best-selling dictionary would include a complete,
alphabetical index of words featured in the edition. "This is certainly a
proud day for the Merriam-Webster family," said John Morse, president and
of Merriam-Webster Inc. "We are on the cutting edge of the business and this
move will ensure efficiency and quality in the search for the right word."
Morse said the index would also serve to help word-searchers find the
meaning and pronunciation of a word if they are unfamiliar with its spelling
by looking for the word alphabetically in the new index.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
NBC Announces 17th Law & Order Spin-off
Directorial Intervention Takes Star Wars From Lucas
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The Wachowski brothers (The Matrix) and M.
Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense) were among a group of directors
who stormed the offices of Lucasfilm Ltd. yesterday and wrest control of Star
Wars: Episode III from a stunned George Lucas. "They were no longer good
for each other," Shyamalan explained, adding, "Someone really should have
done this the moment the first Ewok was ever put on screen." Lucas will
undergo treatment which may include shock therapy while watching sappy,
awkward, and poorly scripted romantic scenes.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Pakistan-India Conflict Escalated to Sarcasm, "Your Mother" Jokes
ISLAMABAD (DPI): In a step destined to ratchet tensions upward, Pakistani
President Pervez Musharraf today unleashed a barrage of withering sarcasm
and derogatory comments at Indian President K.R. Narayanan. "Ooh, like we're
all scared of people wearing pajamas," Musharraf said, adding, "although
pajamas are about right for Narayanan's mother, in her line of work. That,
and a bag over her head." "Like I care what that little man says in his little
country of goat-herders," Narayanan responded. "And at 25 rupees a pop, his
ugly mother cannot afford to pause long enough to even put clothes on."
Political analysts gave the advantage to Pakistan in this round, citing the
derivative nature of India's comeback.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Black & Decker Unveils Daisy Cutter Weed Whacker
TOWSON, Md. (DPI) - Black & Decker today announced the addition of
the Daisy Cutter 350-horsepower cordless diesel line trimmer to its
American Freedom lawn-care product line. The device can be used to trim
lawns, clear-cut hardwood forests and excavate standard military trenches,
and will retail for $25,899. "Americans feel pretty helpless in light of
terrorist attacks, and want that feeling of complete and total yard
domination that a screaming 350-horsepower weed whacker capable of felling an
oak gives them," stated marketing director Russ Alman. "Yard work is one
area where Americans don't need to take any guff."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
"Teflon Don" Keeps Slipping Out of Casket
McCartney Has No Trouble Locating Garter
Flag Maker Warns Colors Will Run if Washed in Warm Temperatures
Obsessive/Compulsives Relieved "Dirty Bomber" Stopped
Drowsiness-Induced Hard-Ons Responsible for 4% of Firings
Tensions Rise as India Watching Eastwood, Bronson Movies
Condoleezza Rice Briefs Bush on "Jews You Can Use"
Jayson Williams: You Can't Stop Shaq, You Can Only Hope to Murder Him
Moussaoui to Serve as Own Lawyer, Executioner
Driver's Claim to Whole Damn Road Disputed With Tire Iron
Carnival Workers Honored at 12th Annual "Carnie" Awards
Fucking Ya-Ya Causes Detroit Man to Miss the Fucking Game
Blake Investigators Look to Full-Page "Murder My Wife" Ad
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Prosecutors in the Robert Blake murder case are pointing
to a March 2001 full-page ad in the Los Angeles Times that read,
"Former Child and Cop Actor Looking For Someone to Kill His Wife -- Gun and
Coffee Refills Provided," as evidence that Blake had long sought to have his
wife killed. According to Blake's attorney, Harland Braun, the ad, paid for
by a check in Robert Blake's name, proves nothing. "Last time I checked,"
stated Braun, "a newspaper ad never killed anyone. Can you find Blake's DNA
anywhere on those ads? Has the newspaper been dusted for retired Detective
Mark Fuhrman's prints?"
(Reported by Davejames)
Al-Qaeda Prisoners Providing "Useful" Information
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Al-Qaeda prisoners captured during the United States' war
on terrorism continue to provide "valuable" information to intelligence
officials during FBI interrogations. Prisoners have hinted that future
attacks against America may involve bioterrorism, scuba diving, hang
gliders, go-karts, ice cream trucks and herds of sheep. "We take every
suggestion seriously," one official stated while rolling his eyes. "Official
policy is to investigate every possibility, even if it does involve
cotton-candy vendors." Future anti-terrorist plans include a U.S.-led
defense against al-Qaeda plans to destroy the moon, and a serum to stop
"anti-infidel-thrax," if there is such a thing.
(Reported by George MacMillan)
PBS Fundraisers to Make Your Children Cry Until They Reach Goal
NEW YORK (DPI) - Fed up with deadbeat viewers who never offer financial
support, PBS announced that it will pressure viewers to increase donations
by replacing popular children's programs with whining for more pledge money.
"The time has come for us to stop being milquetoast-y liberal pushovers,"
said Richard Wykowski, PBS public relations director. "Relentless pleading
and begging for money during Antiques Roadshow used to be enough, but our
viewers have gotten stingier. So from now on, we'll be beating on child
viewers during Teletubbies and Clifford the Big Red Dog." When questioned
about the harshness of the new approach, Wykowski responded, "We're done
being the educational mammary glands for the public."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Poodle-Stomping Fad Reluctantly Made a Crime
Tyson Questioned in Lewis Children-Consumption Tragedy
Bible No Help Whatsoever With Beer Choice
Bryant Gumbel Out in Den Interviewing Invisible Friends
Cloning Foes Declared Safe From That Consideration
Ashcroft: 18,763 Other Guys Named Jose Padilla "Probably Not Terrorists Yet"
Clemens Vows to Brush Back Bin Laden
Lakers Take NBA, NHL Titles, World Cup
Jared Found Purging in Subway Restroom