CURRENT ISSUE 6/18/02 Front Page Weekly Features Movie Corner News from Travistan Ain't That America? To-Do List: Paul McCartney Moth's Diary Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   Scooby-Doo Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) Lilith help me, but what did I do to deserve this rancid purgatory that has become my life? Ever since I took on the assignment to write film reviews for this wretched e-zine (which is basically a collection of man-geeks in cubicles trying to see how many times they can work the word "fuck" into a headline) my life has been thrust into turmoil. The notoriety that this new public forum has created for me is both a blessing and a curse. I have been able to educate a worldwide audience of wymyn about the festering boil that is Hollywood, which is wonderful. However, my new-found celebrity seems to have attracted the attention of the Supreme Court of Canada, who seem to be under the opinion that because I didn't allow men to take my class and wouldn't hire a man as my assistant, I was in violation of Human Rights. The centuries -- nay, millenia! -- of domination by the phallicly cursed male of the species doesn't seem to occur to this collection of cock-obsessed adjudicators, ruling that in the coming fall term, I must educate the intellectually under-endowed dick wavers who wish to take my classes and hire at least one male assistant. As if this wasn't bad enough, I had to sit through Scooby-Doo. I don't think I need to tell you what a steaming pile this cinematic suppository is. Scooby-Doo stars pretty boy Freddy Prinze Jr. as the effeminate, ascot-wearing leader of a rag-tag group of paranormal investigators - think The X-Files with more colorful clothing and better dialogue. The group includes vapid mattress-back Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and stoned hippie and closet bestiality-fetishist Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) who has a very suspicious relationship with the titular character, a computer-generated Great Dane with a speech impediment so annoying it makes Barbara Walters seem palatable by comparison. The only glistening kernel of corn in this turd is the radiant Linda Cardellini, who plays the comely Velma. Oft maligned for her "nerdy" appearance and her un-penis-polisher-ideal-of-the-perfect-womyn fashion sense, the lovely, bespectacled Cardellini breathes life into one of the only three animated characters I have ever felt possessed any redeeming value (Peppermint Patty and Marcie being the other two, a prescient look at what true friendship between wymyn can be.) Scooby-Doo is yet another self-congratulatory statement that the penis parade can slap their own backs over, seeing as the only wymyn characters are Velma, Daphne, and the pneumatic masturbation-aid known as Pamela Anderson. Once again, my sisters, you have been warned!
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