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6/18/02

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Fucking Ya-Ya Causes Detroit Man to Miss the Fucking Game


DETROIT (DPI) - Local resident Dwayne Smithers, 33, was furious to learn that he missed what turned out to be the final game of the 2002 Stanley Cup final because his wife made him go see Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood Thursday night. "I can't fucking believe it, man," Smithers lamented. "I fucking told her we had a chance to clinch the series, but she was all like, 'Oh no, Dwayne! You promised we were going to do something I wanted for a change!' I was like, 'Yeah, any night but tonight!'"

"Come on, Dwayne! It'll be good! You'll like it!" sneered Smithers to reporters in a high, nasal voice imitation of his wife Julia's voice, noting that the film "sucked major ass." Smithers also noted that several friends of his had made previous plans to watch the game at a local sports bar, Dooney's. "And I'm all like, fuck, honey, these are pre-arranged fucking plans! 'Oh, you can meet up with them later, after the movie' she says. Yeah, after the movie AND the fucking game! Thanks a lot, honey."

Smithers spoke to reporters from a downtown Detroit detention center, where he is awaiting a bail hearing on four counts of assault. Police allege that upon entering the rowdy sports bar after the victory, Smithers' friends, all aware of his predicament, stopped chanting, "Let's Go Red Wings!" and greeted their friend with shouts of, "Ya-Ya!" All are resting comfortably at Henry Ford Hospital and are expected to make a full recovery.



(Reported by Greg Preece)


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