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CURRENT ISSUE Week of June 20-24, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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June 22, 2005 |
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Today's News Jeb Bush Demands Prosecution of Terri Schiavo TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (DPI) - Gov. Jeb Bush has demanded that state prosecutors bring charges against the remains of Terri Schiavo, accusing Schiavo's body of falsely portraying itself as irretrievably brain damaged and blind in a recent autopsy. "Terri's remains have given false information to the county coroner as part of a conspiracy to make me and other state and federal officials look like idiots," said Bush. The governor also accused the body of covering up all evidence of Michael Schiavo's abuse. "Terri must be involved in a criminal conspiracy to contradict everything I've said," said Bush. Terri Schiavo's corpse had no comment. (Reported by Simon Paul) Meaning of Life Revealed JERUSALEM (DPI) – After considerable nagging by humanity, God revealed the meaning of life today during a special news conference. As many freshman philosophy majors had guessed, the meaning of life was revealed to be searching for the meaning of life. Unfortunately, this revelation now nullifies the purpose of existence and life has become meaningless. This is a disheartening turn of events for everyone except sophomore philosophy majors, who had taken a liking to nihilism. (Reported by Scott Haworth) Hummer Driver Fails to See Irony of Bumper Stickers CLEVELAND (DPI) – Jennifer Mitchell was confused earlier today by an inappropriate hand gesture she received while waiting in traffic. Pfc. Jonathan Harris, on leave from fighting the war on terror, made the gesture while Mitchell sat stopped at a red light inside her monstrous, gas-guzzling Hummer. Harris said he made the gesture in response to several bumper stickers on the back of the Hummer, sporting messages such as "Support our Troops," "Death to Bin Laden" and "Peace in the Middle East." A disgusted Harris later commented, "I'm glad she supports the troops, considering we're fighting so she can fill up that disgusting piece of shit." Mitchell, shaken by the incident, decided to calm down by taking a long, unnecessary drive, stopping to fill up on gas three times and at no point driving on anything but smooth, paved roads. (Reported by Scott Haworth) |
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Headlines Canada Sparks Outrage by Condoning Tom/Katie Marriage Luxembourg Election Results: You Stopped Reading This at "Luxembourg," Didn't You? Boy Scouts Reinstate "Surviving Neverland" Merit Badge Longest Day of Year Celebrated by Mocking Cold, Dark Southern Hemisphere Scissors Breaks Rock in Freak Accident Probeatorials
I hear you talk. Yeah, I hear you. Tom Cruise, what a phony. Tom Cruise, going wife to wife, babe to babe. Flitting. Flitting like John Derek did. Remember John? Married Ursula Andress, then Linda Evans, then Bo Derek. I mean, yipes. It's a wonder the man could walk erect. But fickle! Flitting! The man was a flitter. There, I said it. That's not me. No, sir. I may change my name, change my nose, change my religion. But I do not flit. I commit. I don't move along for fun; I move only for a good reason. Got it? Okay? Let's review: ¤ Mimi Rogers. Sensitive face, kinda introspective, maybe not a molecular biologist brainwise, but some seriously major-league yabbos. I mean, they want a model for Mount Tittymore, Mimi's right up there. On the chart with two bullets. Right? And I'm pretty young and new to the whole Hollywood thing, but up in Canada, we do this right. You want to touch, you make a commitment. So I did. And face it, you would have done the same thing. To get next to that? You would. Harvey Fierstein would. So case closed. ¤ Then Nicole Kidman comes along. I'm making Days of Thunder, and I'm all hot and dizzy from going around and around in the car, and here comes this little Aussie with red hair and and pale skin and a body that just screams leather corset and Tom, You Bad Boy. I mean, this is the kind of girl they invented riding crops and three-inch heels for and she's smart; no offense, Mimi, but this woman has it all going on. So I'm pretty much helpless there, especially once she opens that luscious mouth and I hear that tough, clipped, but completely Commonwealth voice, all dijeridoos and wombats. What could I do? See, when John Derek traded one sinuous blonde for another, there was no reason to switch. He wasn't getting anything different. It was just, you know, "I'm tired of looking at your gorgeous face and bouncy boobs; I need a different gorgeous face and bouncy boobs." Boredom is no reason to switch women. He was a flitter! Not me, no sir. ¤ Which brings me to Katie. Katie Holmes. Let me sing that name, let me burn it into Mulholland Drive with the tires of my Corvette. I LOVE this woman! You know, LOVE? And when love calls, you gotta answer. Perky as hell, perky face, perky smile, perky tits -- it's like doing Katie Couric 15 years ago, but she doesn't have to get up at 3:30 in the morning. And I'm like 20 years older than her, and she's crazy about me anyway! How often does that come along? So I'm going to marry her quick before some 20-something Seth Green or Justin Timberfuck comes along. Because this is the real thing, man. This is forever. Honest. And by the way, I am SO not Roger Vadim! (Transcribed by Neil Chandler) |
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