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CURRENT ISSUE Week of June 27-July 1, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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June 29, 2005 |
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Today's News Bush: Look at the Shiny Medals! FORT BRAGG, N.C. (DPI) - President Bush, in a televised speech last night, tried to distract the nation from the ongoing war in Iraq, pointing to the 
shiny medals worn by the troops surrounding him. "How can anyone doubt our
progress when these super-cool soldiers look so damn flashy?" said the
president. The White House also arranged to have "Mission Nearly
Accomplished" spelled out in the sky by specially trained paratroopers
carrying sparklers. Bush himself was drawn to the flashes of light and
several times during the speech wandered off his prepared text and
absentmindedly mimed an imaginary gun-fight with an unseen enemy.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey) Condensed Transcript of the Presidential Address Good evening. On September 11, 2001, terrorism resolve insurgents freedom free elections democracy. War on terror 9/11 the strength of our military. Hateful evil terrorism terrorist freedom free democracy terror terrorism terrorist war on terror. Germany, Italy, N.A.T.O, U.N., Hungary, Ukraine, Luxembourg, Latvia, freedom, democracy. Middle East freedom Libya, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Yemen, Qatar. September 11th freedom democracy resolve will of the American people. Brave, patriotic freedom hateful terrorists evil. Freedom freedom war on terror 9/11. Thank you and God Bless America ... Freedom. (Transcribed by Scott Haworth) Republicans: Bush Speech "Practically Perfect"  WASHINGTON (DPI) - Congressional Democrats excoriated President Bush for mentioning the 9/11 attacks six times in his Iraq address at Fort Bragg Tuesday night, alleging that Bush was trying to revive disproven links between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden as justification for the invasion of Iraq. Republican officials will be responding to the jibe with a relentless, unified assault on the Democrats' patriotism, especially on the Sunday morning news talk shows, prompting the Democrats to pre-emptively schedule an apology for their June 28 statements on Tuesday July 5. In sticking with their new "tough talk in time" initiative, however, the Democrats will use their grovelling conference to eviscerate former Boston Red Sox manager Grady Little for leaving Pedro Martinez in one inning too long in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. (Reported by Lars Eisenberg) "War Almost Over" My Ass We're obviously being lied to. It was supposed to be wrapped up by Christmas but the Germans have been in the Ardennes for over a month now with no sign of letting up. We're obviously getting our asses kicked as they're saying that there might be up to a half a million troops killed. Where was our intelligence? Why were we spread so thin along that front? How can a war be almost over when fighting like that is going on? There's obviously something else going on in Germany that they're not telling us. I bet we knew they were going to invade Belgium in advance, too, and we let them. Impeach FDR! (Reported by Mark Niebuhr) |
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Headlines Halliburton Wins Contract to Study Where Missing War Funds Went Don't Cry for Me, Iraq: An Insurgent Musical Bombs on Broadway Airport Still Unsure of Plans for "Duty-Free Boxcutters" Bush Blames John McEnroe for Lost Hockey Season Hey North Korea, You Big Wussie, We Can Kick Your Ass, Nyah Nyah Nyah Snapshot President Bush flosses prior to his big speech.  This Just In Microsoft Armed for EU Decision WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A panel of European Union jurists was expected to order software powerhouse Microsoft split in two on Thursday, a move that, if it stands up to appeal, would be the harshest remedy in an antitrust case in almost two decades. The European Commission, who found in March 2004 that Microsoft Corp. competed unfairly against rivals, is expected to divide Microsoft into two companies, one selling operating systems such as Windows for personal computers and the other making directed energy weapons systems for home and office use. Microsoft has said a breakup would be "extreme," and vowed to appeal the ruling, predicting that it will prevail on major points. "The real issue is what defines an operating system. We believe that Microsoft DeathRay is an integral part of Windows," Chief Executive Steve Ballmer told an industry gathering in Oslo. ''Consumers want and deserve an operating system that defends their home from rogue neighbors,'' he added. Industry analyst Jesse Berst disagreed, saying, "DeathRay is clearly a separate product. Is Microsoft saying that DOS 3.0 or Windows 95 weren't operating systems because they didn't include laser-control algorithms?" Ballmer blames competing firms for inspiring the government's attack on Microsoft. "Sun, Netscape, and TRW ought to be ashamed of themselves," he declared. "We give the consumer for free what they'll charge $400 million for." According to Ballmer, Microsoft research indicates that the number of rogue neighbors is increasing. "By 2013, you will be facing a significant threat from the Petersons, and Bob and Tammy Murphy won't be far behind. After all, have they returned your hedge shears yet?" (Reported by J.J. Gertler) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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