CURRENT ISSUE Week of June 27-July 1, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	July 1, 2005 Today's News Supreme Court Bars Constitution From Churches WASHINGTON (DPI) — Monday's ruling by the Supreme Court banning the display of the Ten Commandments inside state buildings was overshadowed by a surprise addition. In a 5-4 decision, the court forbade display of the U.S. Constitution inside any church, temple or mosque. "The separation of church and state has been precedent for many years," wrote Justice Sandra Day O'Connor for the majority. "With this ruling we have ended the hypocritical, one-sided application of this ideal." She went on to say that the display of the Constitution outside places of worship is acceptable as it does not indicate church endorsement of republicanism. (Reported by Scott Haworth) Democrats Demand Rove Apologize For 9/11 Remark; This Headline Is Not a Misprint WASHINGTON (DPI) — A large number of Democrats in both the House and Senate have demanded that presidential adviser and political kingmaker Karl Rove apologize and even resign for his comments disparaging Democrats' response to the 9/11 attacks. Democrats of the 109th Congress, arguably the most spineless group of milquetoast, ninnypantsed nutless wonders the American people have ever sent to the Capitol, are actually standing up to the man who has kept them soiling their little donkey-drawers non-stop for the last five years and demanding he take accountability. Washington insiders are probing this startling phenomenon by investigating Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean's resemblance to an age progression of Ralphie from A Christmas Story after he took on the bully. (Reported by Lars Eisenberg) Even Cruise Beard Can't Believe Latest Cruise Ramblings HOLLYWOOD (DPI) — A shell-shocked Katie Holmes appeared flabbergasted today after the latest bizarre outburst by fiance Tom Cruise on the Today show. "He's a nice guy, and a really good friend," Holmes told reporters. "What I mean by that is I'm, uh, totally in love with him and he totally loves me and we'll get married, I guess, too. Soon." When asked if she shares Cruise's controversial opinions on anti-depressants, Holmes replied: "Yeah, we're totally in love." (Reported by Mark Niebuhr) Headlines Justice Thomas Votes Against 7 of 10 Commandments Congressmen Tour Guantanamo Bay; 2 Detained U.S. Plans Non-Military Plutonium Development: "Practical Joke Usage Only" Missing Aruba Girl's Family Hires Columbo, Mannix "NASCAR for Dummies" Book Sales Drop Due to Use of Words Snapshot Zombie Ghost of Bob Geldof to Attend London Live 8 Concert This Just In Jimmy the Geek's Bush Speech Statistics FORT BRAGG, NC — Last night, President George W. Bush spoke to the nation to reassure voters about the war in Iraq. Let's see how the Daily Probe's odds-maker, Jimmy the Geek, did forecasting the speech: ¤ Over/under references to 9/11: 8 ¤ Number of times Bush mentions Osama Bin Laden vs. number of times Bush reads from My Pet Goat: My Pet Goat -2 ¤ Number of times Bush mentions WMDs vs. number of Democrats Karl Rove has personally urinated on: Rove -7 ¤ Number of times Bush mentions "freedom" vs. number of times Bush mentions "torture": Freedom +5 ¤ Number of times Bush praises the troops vs. number of soldiers in the crowd thinking Jenna would look hot in a uniform: Jenna -9 (Reported by Simon Paul) Today's Daily Probe Special Feature Ask Zarxnol The premier child psychologist on his home planet Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. Dear Zarxnol, My sons hate school and lose interest quickly in class. Their teachers all think my boys have ADD or some kind of learning disability, but whenever I ask them they simply say they get bored. How can I tell the difference between boredom and ADD? Inquisitive in Indianapolis Inquisitive: For the purposes of my response, Inq, I shall assume that by your insipid abbreviation “ADD," you refer to the condition known as Attention Deficit Disorder. Therefore—ummm ... what were you saying? HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, by Xargol's teats, I slay me! Enough mirth — now, I shall answer your foolish question. Attention Deficit Disorder is a scientific and measurable medical condition resulting from an imbalance of chemicals in the human brain. One should think that if an alien conqueror/child psychologist has acquired the requisite evaluative aptitude to diagnose, measure and correct your relatively simple “ADD," at least one human doctor exists on this laughable solar satellite who can ameliorate this affliction! Have you considered consulting a medical professional, Dolt? Boredom, on the other hand, is one of those ridiculous "feelings" that your talk-show hosts and foppish arty-types squander their existences hollowly prattling on about. It is precisely these inutile emotions that will cause your eventual destruction and enslavement at my hand! Oh, how I shiver in nigh-giddy anticipation of that glorious day! My confidence in Xargol's ultimate victory over this wretched human species is as colossal and doubtless as the Seven-Teated One Himself — however, I shall elaborate no further. I am reminded of The Second Xargolian Axiom of Imperial Conquest. XIC2 states, "Never underestimate a living enemy," which applies even to your wretched human herd of two-legged cattle. Further, in your James Bond cinemas and "Scooby-Doo" cartoons, the conqueror's delineation of his plan to the bound and prostrate so-called "hero" invariably serves as his undoing. Therefore, the tutelage I administer to my Armies From the Sea regarding the exploitation of emotion as the supreme weapon of ultimate human subjugation shall remain my little secret. In summary, Madam Isitive: ADD is a medical condition, whereas boredom is the emotional cudgel with which my Xargolian hordes shall bludgeon your entire race of pathetic bipeds into either submission or extinction. Hope that helps. Regards, Zarxnol Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com (Translated by Carl Knorr)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.