Advice from Strangers
This Week's Guest:
Senator Jesse Helms
Dear Sen. Helms:
My wife says I have to get rid of all my bad habits. The one I just can't
seem to do is quit smoking. Any advice?
Snuffed out in Salt Lake,
No no NO! For heavens sake, son, don't be quitting tobacco. Tobacco is the
best thing God's great earth has ever given us. Tobacco has been used for
thousands of years dating back to the ancient Mayans. Those Mayans sure knew
what they were doing. Did you ever see how they built those cities of
theirs? And the pottery, it's amazing. I bet no Mayan wife ever told HER
husband to stop smoking. Grow some balls, son.
I just found out that my son is gay and not only that but he already has a
boyfriend, or as he calls it, a partner. Plus to top it all off, he wants to
me to meet this guy who looks like a groupie at a Flock of Seagulls concert.
I'm not hateful of homosexuals, but should I spare his feelings or tell him
how I really feel?
A Problem Poppa in Philadelphia
I've never been very accepting of the word "gay." If my kids told me they
were gay, I'd put them over my knee and give them a spanking they wouldn't
forget no matter how old they were. Besides, your son's "girlfriend" sounds
like a real "flamin' fluffer," as we say here in North Carolina. He doesn't
sound like someone I'd be attracted to if I was a homo. I'd be more inclined
to go after a guy that looks like John Wayne. Now there's a man's man. Those
broad shoulders, that gruff smile, those alluring, tender eyes that you
could just stare into forever. Eyes that make a man feel like the whole
universe is just melting away. So don't tell your son that you don't accept
him. Tell him to go after someone a bit more rugged.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)