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Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:

Senator Jesse Helms

Dear Sen. Helms:

My wife says I have to get rid of all my bad habits. The one I just can't seem to do is quit smoking. Any advice?

Snuffed out in Salt Lake,

Dear Snuffed:

No no NO! For heavens sake, son, don't be quitting tobacco. Tobacco is the best thing God's great earth has ever given us. Tobacco has been used for thousands of years dating back to the ancient Mayans. Those Mayans sure knew what they were doing. Did you ever see how they built those cities of theirs? And the pottery, it's amazing. I bet no Mayan wife ever told HER husband to stop smoking. Grow some balls, son.


Dear Jesse,

I just found out that my son is gay and not only that but he already has a boyfriend, or as he calls it, a partner. Plus to top it all off, he wants to me to meet this guy who looks like a groupie at a Flock of Seagulls concert. I'm not hateful of homosexuals, but should I spare his feelings or tell him how I really feel?

A Problem Poppa in Philadelphia

Dear Poppa,

I've never been very accepting of the word "gay." If my kids told me they were gay, I'd put them over my knee and give them a spanking they wouldn't forget no matter how old they were. Besides, your son's "girlfriend" sounds like a real "flamin' fluffer," as we say here in North Carolina. He doesn't sound like someone I'd be attracted to if I was a homo. I'd be more inclined to go after a guy that looks like John Wayne. Now there's a man's man. Those broad shoulders, that gruff smile, those alluring, tender eyes that you could just stare into forever. Eyes that make a man feel like the whole universe is just melting away. So don't tell your son that you don't accept him. Tell him to go after someone a bit more rugged.


(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)

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