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07/01/03 Front Page Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Riding Shotgun With Adventure Alaric Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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July 1, 2003 |
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OKAYS BUTT SEX |
 Butts Suffer as Newbies Celebrate Ruling SILVERBROOK, N.H. - (DPI) - While last week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing sodomy was a breakthrough for gay rights, the ruling also gave heterosexuals the green light to engage in sodomy as well. "Yesterday was the ruling, last evening was amateur night, and today we have the morning after," said Richard Larson, a gay software engineer, as he watched his female co-workers limp into the office. "I've never seen so many straight women sitting on inflatable donuts in my life." (Reported by Gus Harris) Spontaneous Celebrations Everywhere! 
Aficionados of Old-Fashioned Sex Left Feeling Unhip WALNUT CREEK, Calif. (DPI) - Last week's Supreme Court ruling overturning state laws that ban sodomy had an unintended side-effect: Those who prefer heterosexual genital intercourse are starting to feel decidedly unhip. "I just sort of like to climb on top the little woman and get to it," said a 40-year-old married man who did not want his name used. "It always seemed perfectly fine. But now I feel kind of out of it." Others echoed these sentiments. "Good lord, no," said a local housewife. "Call me old-fashioned, but doing 'it' is messy enough as it is without that. Heck, I'm still trying to get my mind around blow jobs." (Reported by Ishmael Alighieri) Congress Demands Law to Enforce Reach-Arounds WASHINGTON (DPI) - Although state laws banning sodomy have been struck down, many U.S. congressmen want a reciprocal hand-job to be required following anal sex. "I can now admit that I've been bending over and taking it from special interest lobbyists for over 10 years," said a representative from Illinois. "On behalf of all of us serving up our sweet ass, the least we should expect is a quick five-finger pole dance." A Gallup poll shows that 60 percent of Americans would support a "reach-around" constitutional amendment, but a majority of women complained. "How does this help us if men don't even know where to reach?" asked one. (Reported by Otis Garcia) Rebellious, Counter-Culture Gays Protest Ruling SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Elitist, hipster gays here are upset by this week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing sodomy, saying that the ruling has, as one man said, "taken all of the fun out of it." "Sodomy was a lot better when it was illegal. It used to be 'forbidden fruit,' like an underground thing," said Josh Maxwell, 25. "It was something special, just for gays and the occasional hetero porn star. Now, every Joe Breeder and his WASP wife with 2.5 kids and a minivan in the driveway can engage in a little back-door action. The Supreme Court has made sodomy about as radical as watching Everybody Loves Raymond." (Reported by Gus Harris) |
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 Rehnquist Court OKs Fihizzle Up Whoa-shnizzle Millions Celebrate in Predictable Ways Priests Consider Implications of Ruling Nation's Wives: Don't Even Think About It, Buster! Couple Celebrates Beautiful, Committed Relationship with Poop-Covered Cock Texas Clergyman's Head Explodes Thurmond Issues Defining Statement on Decision  I Feel Bad for the Families of the Victims  Daily Probe Comprehensive Guide to Legality of Sex Acts Tiger Woods Also Far Better Than You at Sex Parents Think Child May Be Most Intelligent Human that Ever Lived 
Rumsfeld's Reporter-Mocking Breaks Guinness Book Record WASHINGTON (DPI) - By bending over and manipulating his buttocks cheeks as though they could speak while he repeated a Washington Post reporter's question in a singsong voice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld entered the Guinness World Records for greatest act of disdain for the press. He easily surpassed the old record set by Nixon press secretary Ron Ziegler, who was famous for going to elementary schools and stealing lunch money from reporter's offspring. Rumsfeld gave no indication of resting on his laurels. When asked if he would try to top this benchmark, he told an ABC reporter to "wipe your love life off your chin, then ask me a question". (Reported by Davejames) 
Geometry Teacher's Head Smashed Geometrically HONOLULU (DPI) - Disgruntled ninth-grader Jared Kaneshiro gave his class a graphic demonstration of Euler's Law as he took a hammer and smashed teacher Albert Mapuana's head into a non-Platonic polyhedron yesterday, officials at Kalani High School said. Upset about a failing grade on his midterm, Kaneshiro showed Cavalieri's Principle by violently bashing two noncoplanar but parallel cross-sections of Mapuana's skull into concave polygons of equal area. Honolulu police expect to prove that Kaneshiro used (n-1) swings of the hammer to shape the teacher's head into an irregular n-gon. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Totally Awesome Study Shows Pot Not Harmful LIKE, LOS ANGELES, Calif. (DPI) -- Dude, so there's this totally awesome study out of UCLA or something that totally claims that, like, pot doesn't cause brain damage or anything. This way cool doctor or something says that even though other drugs and booze, like, cause brain damage and shit, pot is totally primo. They should totally be giving this dude, like, the Nobel Prize or something man. Seriously. Oh, and this doctor dude? You should have seen him, man ... he was, like, TOTALLY high. (Reported by Greg Preece, man) |
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Stranded Hikers Opt for Cannibalism Over Slim Jims |
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Canadian Reclassification of Cows as "Eccentric" Not Fooling FDA |
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Actor Kevin Costner Engaged to Marry Actor Kevin Costner |
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Quick-Cut Editing in Charlie's Angels Not Allowing Sustained Erection |
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Dixiecrats Scramble to Fill Gaping Hole in Membership |
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Baby Squirrel Entertains Suburban Family, Feeds Suburban Cat |
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Iraq Claims Centrifuge Used to Make Extra-Creamy Baby Food |
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Scientists Discover Long, Ratty Hair in Bag of Trail Mix |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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