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Due to the holiday, the July 8th issue will not be online until July 9th. Got that?
July 1, 2003
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SUPREME COURT OKAYS BUTT SEX
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Butts Suffer as Newbies Celebrate Ruling
SILVERBROOK, N.H. - (DPI) - While last
week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing sodomy was a
breakthrough for gay rights, the ruling also gave
heterosexuals the green light to engage in sodomy as
well. "Yesterday was the ruling, last evening was amateur
night, and today we have the morning after,"
said Richard Larson, a gay software engineer, as he
watched his female co-workers limp into the office.
"I've never seen so many straight women sitting on
inflatable donuts in my life."
(Reported by Gus Harris)
Spontaneous Celebrations Everywhere!
Aficionados of Old-Fashioned Sex Left Feeling Unhip
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. (DPI) - Last week's Supreme Court ruling overturning
state laws that ban sodomy had an unintended side-effect: Those
who prefer heterosexual genital intercourse are starting to feel decidedly
unhip. "I just sort of like to climb on top the little woman and get to it,"
said a 40-year-old married man who did not want his name used. "It always
seemed perfectly fine. But now
I feel kind of out of it." Others echoed these sentiments. "Good lord, no,"
said a local housewife. "Call me old-fashioned, but doing 'it' is messy
enough as it is without that. Heck, I'm still trying to get
my mind around blow jobs."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Congress Demands Law to Enforce Reach-Arounds
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Although state laws banning sodomy have been struck down,
many U.S. congressmen want a reciprocal hand-job to be required following anal
sex. "I can now admit that I've been bending over and taking it from
special interest lobbyists for over 10 years," said a representative
from Illinois. "On behalf of all of us serving up our sweet ass, the
least we should expect is a quick five-finger pole dance." A Gallup poll
shows that 60 percent of Americans would support a "reach-around"
constitutional amendment, but a majority of women complained. "How
does this help us if men don't even know where to reach?" asked one.
(Reported by Otis Garcia)
Rebellious, Counter-Culture Gays Protest Ruling
SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Elitist, hipster gays here are
upset by this week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing
sodomy, saying that the ruling has, as one man said, "taken all of the
fun out of it."
"Sodomy was a lot better when it was illegal. It used
to be 'forbidden fruit,' like an underground thing,"
said Josh Maxwell, 25. "It was
something special, just for gays and the occasional
hetero porn star. Now, every Joe Breeder and his WASP
wife with 2.5 kids and a minivan in the driveway can
engage in a little back-door action. The Supreme Court
has made sodomy about as radical as watching Everybody
Loves Raymond."
(Reported by Gus Harris)
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Rehnquist Court OKs Fihizzle Up Whoa-shnizzle
Millions Celebrate in Predictable Ways
Priests Consider Implications of Ruling
Nation's Wives: Don't Even Think About It, Buster!
Couple Celebrates Beautiful, Committed Relationship with Poop-Covered Cock
Texas Clergyman's Head Explodes
Thurmond Issues Defining Statement on Decision
More headlines

I Feel Bad for the Families of the Victims

Daily Probe Comprehensive Guide to Legality of Sex Acts
Tiger Woods Also Far Better Than You at Sex
Parents Think Child May Be Most Intelligent Human that Ever Lived
Rumsfeld's Reporter-Mocking Breaks Guinness Book Record
WASHINGTON (DPI) - By bending over and manipulating his buttocks cheeks as
though they could speak while he repeated a Washington Post reporter's
question in a singsong voice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld entered
the Guinness World Records for greatest act of disdain for the press. He
easily surpassed the old record set by Nixon press secretary Ron
Ziegler, who was famous for going to elementary schools and stealing
lunch money from reporter's offspring. Rumsfeld gave no indication of
resting on his laurels. When asked if he would try to top this benchmark, he told an ABC reporter to "wipe your love life off your chin,
then ask me a question".
(Reported by Davejames)
Geometry Teacher's Head Smashed Geometrically
HONOLULU (DPI) - Disgruntled ninth-grader Jared Kaneshiro gave his class a
graphic demonstration of Euler's Law as he took a hammer and smashed teacher
Albert Mapuana's head into a non-Platonic polyhedron yesterday, officials at
Kalani High School said. Upset about a failing grade on his midterm,
Kaneshiro showed Cavalieri's Principle by violently bashing two noncoplanar
but parallel cross-sections of Mapuana's skull into concave polygons of
equal area. Honolulu police expect to prove that
Kaneshiro used (n-1) swings of the hammer to shape the teacher's head into
an
irregular n-gon.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Totally Awesome Study Shows Pot Not Harmful
LIKE, LOS ANGELES, Calif. (DPI) -- Dude, so there's this totally awesome study
out of UCLA or something that totally claims that, like, pot doesn't cause
brain damage or anything. This way cool doctor or something says that even
though other drugs and booze, like, cause brain damage and shit, pot is
totally primo. They should totally be giving this dude, like, the Nobel
Prize or something man. Seriously. Oh, and this doctor dude? You should have
seen him, man ... he was, like, TOTALLY high.
(Reported by Greg Preece, man)
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Stranded Hikers Opt for Cannibalism Over Slim Jims
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Canadian Reclassification of Cows as "Eccentric" Not Fooling FDA
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Actor Kevin Costner Engaged to Marry Actor Kevin Costner
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Quick-Cut Editing in Charlie's Angels Not Allowing Sustained Erection
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Dixiecrats Scramble to Fill Gaping Hole in Membership
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Baby Squirrel Entertains Suburban Family, Feeds Suburban Cat
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Iraq Claims Centrifuge Used to Make Extra-Creamy Baby Food
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Scientists Discover Long, Ratty Hair in Bag of Trail Mix
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