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The Daily Probe Comprehensive Guide to Legality of Sex Acts

Name of Sex Act Current Legal Status
Missionary Legal
Woman on Top Legal in all states except Utah
Doggie-Style Barely legal
Hummers/Blowjobs Legal, but frowned on in DC
Sodomy Legal in most states
Handjobs Legal (and preserves virginity)
Backdoor Boarding You betcha
Rogering Roger that
Felching Legal, if not particularly pleasant
Fisting Legal within 10 miles of a hospital
The Dirty Sanchez Knock yourself out
Venus Butterfly Legal on east and west coasts only
Tossing Salads Legal as an appetizer
Teabagging Go for it, freak-boy
Crouching Siegfeld, Hidden Roy Legal only in Las Vegas
Double-Buttered Bahookie Legal, but really fucking rude
Texas Triphammer Legal if participant #2 wears spurs
Australian Rules Wedgie Legal if total charge is less than 15 volts
Chicken Basting, Thai-Style Legal north of the Mason/Dixon line
Marmota Monax Requires a spotter
Mongolian Corkscrew Legal in cities with large Chinese populations
Flapjacking Still legal and practiced regularly in West Virginia
Position 286(a)1, variants K through P Legal with a proper professional license, or with a trainee permit and valid IRS form 1040xxx
Plowing the Lotus Legal, but really gross
Piggy Goes to Market Illegal except when practiced by a licensed podiatrist
Dusting the Crops Legal in rural parts of the Midwest
The Bent McCreedy Highly illegal; punishable by death
The Kramden Currently under review
Cleaning the Tongs Uh-uh, nope, no way. Forget it.
All-Meat McSqueezy USDA approved

(Reported by Natty Bumpo)

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