CURRENT ISSUE 7/2/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Scooby-Doo Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner New Feature! Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Crack Team of Marketing Commandoes Saves McDonald's ST. LOUIS (DPI) - A sharply honed crack team of expert marketing consultants met behind closed doors yesterday in what industry insiders called a "serious brainstorm session" to solve the enigma that is declining Happy Meal sales at several St. Louis-area McDonald's restaurants. Armed with MBAs, jet-black uniforms and briefcases, the team is said to represent the "best of the best" from a secret marketing organization known to the restaurant group's management team only as "The Department." Within hours, the team had infiltrated dozens of classified marketing-plan materials from the past 12 months and identified 18 bullet-point action items that could establish a case for a complete revamp of the company's penetration strategy and key points for cross-promotional negotiation. According to an anonymous inside informant known only as "Ronald's Friend," the head of the team presented the action items via a late-night top-secret PowerPoint presentation to executives of TWN Restaurants, Inc., owner and manager of 16 McDonald's locations in the greater St. Louis area and Southwest Illinois. Further details of the plan and inevitable merchandising counter-strike are rumored to include early cancellation of the disappointing Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron contract terms, the limited introduction of kid-friendly green ketchup via the terms of the secret Heinz/McDonald's sacred blood pact of 1999, and the silent and swift elimination of four dissident store managers through The Department's elite Skull and Bones secret ninja assassin division. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
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