Newdow Sues to Stop Reagan Deification
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Michael Newdow, the avowed atheist at the center of the
recent U.S. Supreme Court case regarding the reference to God in the
Pledge of Allegiance, filed suit today, seeking to bar reference to former
President Ronald Reagan in government proceedings following his
deification by the Senate. "There is no room for Ronald Reagan in our
government," Newdow said during a press conference. "Government and God
don't mix, and Reagan, our newest deity, needs to be excised from our
government processes before he is foisted upon children in school." In his
complaint, Newdow calls for the immediate removal of Reagan's name from
federal properties and textbooks. Reagan National Airport, the Ronald
Reagan Federal Office Building and Reaganomics would all have to be
altered if his suit were to prevail.
(Reported by Ross Brown)
New Iraqi Government Leaders Introduced
US Hands Over Iraq, Promotional Toaster to New Leadership
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Two days before the expected deadline, the United
States officially handed the reins to the new Iraqi government and a
promotional Hamilton Beach deluxe toaster over to the country's new prime
minister, Iyad Allawi. The public ceremony featured Paul Bremer, the head
of the former Coalition Provisional Authority, handing over to Allawi the
official documents of sovereignty as a sign of the country's new beginning
and the toaster as a free gift for participating in the country's new
"Freedom for Oil" program. Allawi marked the occasion with a heartfelt
speech, saying, "After years of oppression and violence at the hands of a
bloodthirsty dictator, Iraqis will now live in a land of safety and
opportunity. We are finally free." Holding the toaster aloft, Allawi
continued, "And as for this baby, it's going right next to the fondue set
we got from France!"
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Ford Recalls 1.3 Million Cars
DETROIT (DPI) - Henry Ford III, grandson of the founder of the Ford
automotive dynasty, fondly recalled 1.3 million cars recently. "Yeah, I
remember the '36 Pierce Arrow Model 1601 -- what a beautiful machine," he
said. "Looked like it was doing 40 when it was just standing still. And
the '27 Model T was one of my all-time favorites. And then there's the...."
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Air America Builds Audience Slowly
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Several months after its debut, Arbitron ratings
have confirmed the liberal talk radio network Air America is only being
listened to by teens who pick it up on their braces, which the ratings
company estimated at around 23 people nationwide. For its part, Air
America Radio spokesperson Kate Fields said building slowly in a limited
youth market was the network's strategy all along. Others are more
skeptical, though, and see a flaw in that approach. Carl Silver of the
Brookings Institution said metal braces are quite rare and found mainly in
more rural areas, which generally skew highly conservative. "Most of these
people picking up the network have been removing their braces forcefully
with pliers, often losing several teeth in the process," he said. "This
might indicate a certain indifference to the programming."
(Reported by Davejames)
Daily Probe Substitute Courtroom Sketch Artist Bil Keane Covers the Hussein Trial
Administration Renames Iraq After Reagan
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Before restoring the sovereignty of Iraq last week,
the Bush Administration took the opportunity to rename the country Reagan,
in honor of the late U.S. president. "President Reagan was a strong ally
of Iraq during the 1980s," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "He
sent me personally to greet Saddam Hussein to reassure him that we stood
with Iraq even as he was using chemical weapons against his own people.
That kind of stalwart support just shows how much President Reagan loved
Iraq." Giant posters of Reagan are to be posted throughout the country,
and his face is to appear on all new Republic of Reagan currency.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Housing Miracle in Idol Hometown
SNELLVILLE, Ga. (DPI) - Besides being the home of American Idol runner-up
Diana DeGarmo, this small Southern town where "Everybody Is Somebody" also
contains that rarest of housing anomalies -- an all- white enclave with
reasonably priced homes, yet none of the restrictive measures taken
in the name of protecting property values that activists contend actually
are designed to keep a subdivision lily-white. Ofay Acres simply
does not attract people of color -- a mystery that baffles its homeowners
association. There are no Hispanic home owners on Maricon Mile or Puta
Place, and Brillo Blvd is mysteriously devoid of all but the whitest
families. Wetback Way sways nightly to the sounds of Perry Como and Celine
Dion. "We would love to have somebody besides us white folks around,
really," said tennis club manager Glen Notheis. "Heck, even a few Jews
might liven things up around here. There was a family of 'em looking at
houses for sale on Snipcock Street, but they didn't make a purchase. It's
a complete and utter mystery."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Princess Diana Tilt-a-Whirl to Follow Waterslide
LONDON (DPI) - The Princess Diana Memorial Foundation Committee announced
a followup to the 690-foot-long water sculpture that doubles as a children's
water park to be a memorial Tilt-a-Whirl ride. "We originally talked about
bumper car rides, but that was voted down immediately. The Tilt-a-Whirl seems
tasteful, and the nausea-inducing spins are an homage to her eating disorder."
The Memorial committee hopes to have the ride available for the 8th anniversary of her death.
(Reported by June Shep)
Kerry Reaches Out for Softer, More Manageable Hair
U.S. Completes Iraq Handover to New Halliburton Government
Iraq Gets Custody of Saddam; U.S. to Get Him on Weekends
Brando Done Eating Now
NATO Pledges Bravest, Most Valiant Non-Combat Support Personnel to War Effort
France Urges Spider-Man to Wait on Doc Ock Inspections
Tiger: I Am Not Distracted by Banging a Swedish Model Over and Over and... What Was the Question?
Jackson Sweeps Peddies
Abusive Female Pointing-to-Penis Soldier Invades American Male Nightmares
Ten Commandment Tablets Now Available in Liquid Geltabs
Is Warren Buffet Supposed to Give Me a Hard-On or Something?
Can We Lose the Goddamned ADA-Compliant Toilets, Please?!?
Get Back in the *&^%$@#D! Box!
Fall Television Schedule Preview
Dear Female Pointing-to-Penis Soldier
Inventor of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Looking for Next Big Product
Naked Abu Ghraib Prisoner Wins Extreme Makeover
Twelve Cities Report July 4th Terrorist Shuttlecockings
NEW YORK (DPI) - Reports from a dozen U.S. cities indicate that terrorist
cells across the country were successful in a coordinated series of
badminton-related attacks over the Fourth of July weekend. The attacks
included the deployment of dozens of giant "dirty shuttlecocks," along with
millions of smaller assaults at picnics and barbecues nationwide. Federal
Emergency Management Agency officials sayd that the mild bruise toll
at 38, but that total is expected to climb as more victims are
found. A letter was sent to the Department of Homeland Security, claiming
responsibility for the attacks and warning that the violence may escalate.
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge denied accusations that the
government knew of the attacks in advance after White House sources leaked
rumors that suspected terrorists had been buying badminton gear and
signing up for college courses in the popular racquet sport.
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Kevin Wickart)
Kerry Calls Bush "Feckless," "Utterly Without Feck"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. John Kerry called President Bush's post-war Iraq
plan "feckless," and complained that Bush was "entirely lacking in feck."
"This administration struts in front of the camera and claims to be chock
full of feck, but the record is clear that they have no feck whatsoever,"
said Kerry. "Some apologists will argue that the administration could use
additional feck, to be sure, but that they do have feck and will continue
to amass more feck. But I tell you, the president is completely lacking in
feck. There is absolutely no feck there. None. Not a speck of feck. And
while we're on the subject, don't let them fool you with their so-called
ruthless plan to go after al-Qaeda. Every day we are learning more and
more about just how much Ruth has actually been involved."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Bush Celebrates 80th Birthday With Fourth Consecutive Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt
COLLEGE STATION, Texas (DPI) - Former President George H.W. Bush
celebrated his 80th birthday by once again trying to commit suicide by
jumping out of a vintage B1 bomber. Bush, a pilot in World War II, has
attempted suicide by jumping out of a plane three other times in the last
few years. "I want to be remembered for something," said Bush. "I doubt
anything during my four years in office will have any impact on history."
Bush plans to continue trying until he "gets it right."
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz, Danny Gallagher)
Clinton Memoir Changes Story After Glare From Hillary
CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. (DPI) - After a stern, questioning glare from Sen. Hillary
Clinton, D-N.Y., former President Bill Clinton's memoir, My Life,
spontaneously rewrote itself, changing key details of his life story. Page
116, which had originally begun, "Monica and I had a number of
indiscretions," was found after the staring incident to read, "I didn't do
nothing. I was bowling with Al Gore. I wouldn't lie, baby." According to
literary experts, as Sen. Clinton's glare eventually eases up, the book
will sheepishly revert back to the original story, promising to never,
ever rewrite itself again.
(Reported by Ken Martin)
Really Cool-Sounding Accident Narrowly Averted
SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - An overturned truck near the top of San Francisco's
California Street failed to lose its cargo of huge metal pipes yesterday,
averting a near-certain disaster and sparing hundreds of anxious
spectators from the sight of clanging metal carnage down one of the
country's busiest and steepest thoroughfares. "If those 10 18-inch main
pipes had broken from from that last tenuous anchor cable, we'd have
watched dozens of people get flattened and cars getting bashed in," said
Fire Chief Robert Hayes. "I think it probably would've looked like the
cartoons, with flat people and stuff and blood all over." Bystander
Charlie Ziegler was nearly horrified. "Just imagine if one of those pipes
had built up a lot of speed and then started careening end over end," he
said. "I suppose it could've, like, shot right through the second floor
wall of that building and pierced everything and everyone inside." No one
was injured in the incident, a fact that Hayes ruefully admitted "is
probably for the better."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)