Newdow Sues to Stop Reagan Deification

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Michael Newdow, the avowed atheist at the center of the recent U.S. Supreme Court case regarding the reference to God in the Pledge of Allegiance, filed suit today, seeking to bar reference to former President Ronald Reagan in government proceedings following his deification by the Senate. "There is no room for Ronald Reagan in our government," Newdow said during a press conference. "Government and God don't mix, and Reagan, our newest deity, needs to be excised from our government processes before he is foisted upon children in school." In his complaint, Newdow calls for the immediate removal of Reagan's name from federal properties and textbooks. Reagan National Airport, the Ronald Reagan Federal Office Building and Reaganomics would all have to be altered if his suit were to prevail.

(Reported by Ross Brown)


New Iraqi Government Leaders Introduced




US Hands Over Iraq, Promotional Toaster to New Leadership

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Two days before the expected deadline, the United States officially handed the reins to the new Iraqi government and a promotional Hamilton Beach deluxe toaster over to the country's new prime minister, Iyad Allawi. The public ceremony featured Paul Bremer, the head of the former Coalition Provisional Authority, handing over to Allawi the official documents of sovereignty as a sign of the country's new beginning and the toaster as a free gift for participating in the country's new "Freedom for Oil" program. Allawi marked the occasion with a heartfelt speech, saying, "After years of oppression and violence at the hands of a bloodthirsty dictator, Iraqis will now live in a land of safety and opportunity. We are finally free." Holding the toaster aloft, Allawi continued, "And as for this baby, it's going right next to the fondue set we got from France!"

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Ford Recalls 1.3 Million Cars

DETROIT (DPI) - Henry Ford III, grandson of the founder of the Ford automotive dynasty, fondly recalled 1.3 million cars recently. "Yeah, I remember the '36 Pierce Arrow Model 1601 -- what a beautiful machine," he said. "Looked like it was doing 40 when it was just standing still. And the '27 Model T was one of my all-time favorites. And then there's the...."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)


Air America Builds Audience Slowly

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Several months after its debut, Arbitron ratings have confirmed the liberal talk radio network Air America is only being listened to by teens who pick it up on their braces, which the ratings company estimated at around 23 people nationwide. For its part, Air America Radio spokesperson Kate Fields said building slowly in a limited youth market was the network's strategy all along. Others are more skeptical, though, and see a flaw in that approach. Carl Silver of the Brookings Institution said metal braces are quite rare and found mainly in more rural areas, which generally skew highly conservative. "Most of these people picking up the network have been removing their braces forcefully with pliers, often losing several teeth in the process," he said. "This might indicate a certain indifference to the programming."

(Reported by Davejames)


Daily Probe Substitute Courtroom Sketch Artist Bil Keane Covers the Hussein Trial




Administration Renames Iraq After Reagan

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Before restoring the sovereignty of Iraq last week, the Bush Administration took the opportunity to rename the country Reagan, in honor of the late U.S. president. "President Reagan was a strong ally of Iraq during the 1980s," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "He sent me personally to greet Saddam Hussein to reassure him that we stood with Iraq even as he was using chemical weapons against his own people. That kind of stalwart support just shows how much President Reagan loved Iraq." Giant posters of Reagan are to be posted throughout the country, and his face is to appear on all new Republic of Reagan currency.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Housing Miracle in Idol Hometown

SNELLVILLE, Ga. (DPI) - Besides being the home of American Idol runner-up Diana DeGarmo, this small Southern town where "Everybody Is Somebody" also contains that rarest of housing anomalies -- an all- white enclave with reasonably priced homes, yet none of the restrictive measures taken in the name of protecting property values that activists contend actually are designed to keep a subdivision lily-white. Ofay Acres simply does not attract people of color -- a mystery that baffles its homeowners association. There are no Hispanic home owners on Maricon Mile or Puta Place, and Brillo Blvd is mysteriously devoid of all but the whitest families. Wetback Way sways nightly to the sounds of Perry Como and Celine Dion. "We would love to have somebody besides us white folks around, really," said tennis club manager Glen Notheis. "Heck, even a few Jews might liven things up around here. There was a family of 'em looking at houses for sale on Snipcock Street, but they didn't make a purchase. It's a complete and utter mystery."

(Reported by Brian Jones)


Princess Diana Tilt-a-Whirl to Follow Waterslide

LONDON (DPI) - The Princess Diana Memorial Foundation Committee announced a followup to the 690-foot-long water sculpture that doubles as a children's water park to be a memorial Tilt-a-Whirl ride. "We originally talked about bumper car rides, but that was voted down immediately. The Tilt-a-Whirl seems tasteful, and the nausea-inducing spins are an homage to her eating disorder." The Memorial committee hopes to have the ride available for the 8th anniversary of her death.

(Reported by June Shep)

Cheney to Keep Bush on Ticket for '04

Refusing to Be One-Upped by Cosby, Dr. Phil Rips Whitey a New One

Kerry Has Secretive Meeting With Edwards in Secretive Conference Room, Wearing Secretive Tie, Eating Secretive Chips

Congress Aborts Fetus Legislation

HIV Scare Leaves Porn Industry Fucked, but Not in Good Way

Cheney Insists on Existence of Connection Between Iraq, Kevin Bacon

49 of 50 Governors Favor Ban on Steroids

U.S. Conservatives Change "Spanish Kissing" to "Freedom Facial"

Powell Called on Again to Explain U.S. Policy -- Good Luck, Sucker!

Reagan's Death: Jodie Foster Unimpressed

Universal Warns of Possible Terrorist Attacks on Disney Theme Parks This Summer

Spam Out of Control, Reports Vivacity K. Hemlock

TV Junkie Still Mourning Only Six "Friends" He Ever Had