CURRENT ISSUE 7/6/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch The Probethicist Probe Film Strip: Spider-Man 2 Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	McQuigly and Moss     Star Trek Proves Iraq Can't Maintain Its Own Government By Dirk McQuigly If there's one thing that Star Trek does well, other than accurately represent the goal of modern space travel's path and accentuate Lt. Uhura's firm, toned and terrific ass, it shows that no nation, planet or other free floating land mass can fully fend for itself once a third intermediary provides it with sovereignty from oppressive forces. In episode 216, "A Romulan for Every Season," Capt. Kirk gave back the Romulans their government on Rigel 4 and look what happened! Mass chaos, I tell you! The blood of a thousand innocent offspring conceived during the Romulan's bi-annual mating season were destroyed by bounty hunters and megalomaniacal nation-free general just after the Enterprise left the quadrant. Temples that took centuries to build where thousands of generations of Romulan families worship the god, Kodos, for a bountiful harvest crumbled under the invading army's mighty phaser heat cannons. Sure, the statue of Gen. Krakma, who ruled Rigel 4 with an iron claw for almost three light-cadres, was torn down symbolizing the end of his oppressive and bloodthirsty regime. But at the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is the firepower that's used to drive the guerillas out of the quadrant and how the affect freedom has on the people. Setting up a new government without a stable military and economic foundation was a complete waste of their time. It was also a complete waste of my time, what a lousy episode. No phaser fights and Kirk didn't get down with one alien babe. Star Wars Proves Iraq Can't Maintain Its Own Government By Anna Moss If Return of the Jedi shows us anything, it proves that war, not sissy, peaceful negotiations like those Alderaan bastards who had it coming, let me tell ya, is the only solution when dealing with those that wish to crush opposing factions through terror and violence. It proves that might always makes right. It proves that when you're staring down the business end of an AT-AT in the middle of a hell hole like Endor, do you think that "negotiating" with the storm trooper in the cockpit will keep him from turning you into a crispy chicken strip? And, by not showing the effects of the fall of the Empire, it proves no government can stand on its own once the battle is over. They couldn't show how that happens because, logically, no one can fathom how to keep a once oppressed nation from falling under iron rule again. Besides, no war is truly over just because the majority of the fighting has stopped. What's to stop the Emperor's offspring (and we know he has some because he's... oh, I don't know... THE EMPEROR?!?) from rising to power and holding the Universe hostage once again? It also proves that Ewoks are the most useless race of creatures in the history of the universe. Make good soldiers furry creatures they do not. (Transcribed by (Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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