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Venus and Serena Williams

Dear Venus and Serena,

My dad wants me to be a professional athlete. I think he's pushing me too hard. Any advice?

Tired of Sports

Serena: Our dad was one of those pushy dads. It worked for us as I've now won five Grand Slam titles in a row.

Venus: Oh right, rub that in my face, why don't you, Serena.

Serena: Well if you stopped trying to be a supermodel and got back to tennis, you might beat me again ... maybe.

Dear Girls,

You both are winners as far as I'm concerned. There couldn't be a better pair of athlete sisters in the world. The tennis world would be nothing without you both. Venus? I know you would have won Wimbledon if you weren't playing with that leg injury. Just as long as one of you keeps winning every major tournament.

Loves my Daughters

Venus: Oh thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Serena: That's right, suck up to Dad.

Venus: If it weren't for Dad, you'd be working at a Hooters somewhere. We have the best dad in the world.

Serena: You DO know that we control our prize money now right?

Venus: Huh?

Dear Serena,

Congratulations on winning Wimbledon once again this year. Watching you play sends shivers all over my body. I watch every match you play, go to every tournament you're in. I Idolize you so much. Why aren't you answering my letters or e-mail? When I was following Monica Seles, she wouldn't give me the time of day either, you saw how I took care of that bitch.
Guenter in Hamburg

Venus/Serena: SECURITY!!

(Transcribed by Jeff Rabinowitz and Danny Gallagher)

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