CURRENT ISSUE 7/9/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Elvis Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Greenspan Pledges to Restore Investor Confidence, Cap WorldCom's Ass WASHINGTON (DPI) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, reacting to the turmoil in world financial markets brought about by alleged accounting sleight-of-hand at several high-profile corporations, today pledged to "bust a cap in WorldCom's ass" as one of a number of vigorous steps he plans to restore investor confidence. "Look, I'm a reasonable man, and I much prefer to run things behind the scenes -- an interest-rate hike here, a money-supply tweak there," noted Greenspan. An excerpt from Greenspan's extensive statement follows: "But you, you -- bastards -- and you and I know who you are -- are messing things up, and you're out of your weak, tiny minds if you think you can get away with it. You're fucking with my economy! FUCKING with MY ECONOMY! I run this shit, you little pissant losers, and don't you forget it. Presidents of the U.S. of fucking A. come and go, but not the G-Man! I OWN the fucking money supply. That was the last time you pull that weak-ass accounting shit on my watch, muthafuckers. You punk bitches are going down! Hear that? That's me beating a Macarena on your skull with a tire iron! My Regional Reserve posse gonna bust a cap in your pasty muthafucking accountant asses!! You're. Going. Down." The Dow was up 186 on the news. (Reported by Ishmael Alighieri, graphic by Chris White)
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