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Greenspan Pledges to Restore Investor Confidence,
Cap WorldCom's Ass

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, reacting to the turmoil in world financial markets brought about by alleged accounting sleight-of-hand at several high-profile corporations, today pledged to "bust a cap in WorldCom's ass" as one of a number of vigorous steps he plans to restore investor confidence. "Look, I'm a reasonable man, and I much prefer to run things behind the scenes -- an interest-rate hike here, a money-supply tweak there," noted Greenspan. An excerpt from Greenspan's extensive statement follows:

"But you, you -- bastards -- and you and I know who you are -- are messing things up, and you're out of your weak, tiny minds if you think you can get away with it. You're fucking with my economy! FUCKING with MY ECONOMY! I run this shit, you little pissant losers, and don't you forget it. Presidents of the U.S. of fucking A. come and go, but not the G-Man! I OWN the fucking money supply. That was the last time you pull that weak-ass accounting shit on my watch, muthafuckers. You punk bitches are going down! Hear that? That's me beating a Macarena on your skull with a tire iron! My Regional Reserve posse gonna bust a cap in your pasty muthafucking accountant asses!! You're. Going. Down."

The Dow was up 186 on the news.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri, graphic by Chris White)

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