Daily Probe Movie Review
by Alice Higgins
Professor of Wymyn's Studies
University of Toronto
Men In Black II
Rating: 0 stars (out of 5)
I had finally decided that I was going to put my impending battles with
hiring and teaching pig-man aside and enjoy the summer. I had a
wonderful time with the recent Pride festivities in our city, the
weather was nice, and I had discovered an absolutely wonderful
Darjeeling at my local tea-house near the campus. I have to admit, I was
feeling quite happy from the image of the red sun poking through the
smog-laden ceiling of the Toronto skyline and the warm summer breeze
running through my Birkenstocks.
And then I had the misfortune of seeing Men In Black II.
I don't know how Ball-ywood does it, but somehow they manage to make
these cinematic suppositories worse and worse every year. This is no
Let's start with the title. MEN in Black II. Of course it's about men,
and all you have to do is look at the poster for this turd of a film to
see that it's ALL about MEN and their filthy penises. The stars, Tommy
Lee Jones and Will Smith, stand cradling these enormous guns. It's as if
they're screaming from the poster "Look at how enormous our penises are!
They're huge! We have gigantic cocks!" The only things missing from the
poster "art" were a Camaro and a nuclear missile.
This pathetic love-affair to all things penile doesn't get any better
once it actually starts. There are EXACTLY two females of note: the
whining damsel in distress, and Lara Flynn Boyle, who despite having
great strength and the ability to destroy the universe, struts around
like a whore in Victoria's Secret lingerie. The film-makers are SO
AFRAID of a strong womyn that they have to dress her up like Pamela
Anderson on a budget to even conceive of such a thing! Do you know what
they are saying? "Beware, men, because even a set of bodacious ta-tas
such as these can be dangerous! We must defeat strong wymyn everywhere
by using our huge gun-penises!"
And if that were not bad enough, one of the opening scenes involves
Boyle's character devouring a mugger whole, and then when she notices it
makes her look somewhat heftier, she purges him out of her body! For the
love of Lilith, why don't they just put up a neon sign encouraging
anorexia nervosa! "Don't digest your food, wymyn! We like y'all thin
and busty!" Ironically, this horrific image made me want to vomit out of
disgust, but I wouldn't give the Penis Parade the satisfaction!
Do more than avoid this one, my sisters! Burn it! Protest it! Make your
voices heard for something other than demanding an encore at Lilith
Fair! Once again, sisters, you have been warned!