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7/9/02

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President Travis
News from Travistan

The Daily Probe Reports from the
Sovereign Apartment Nation of Travistan



Travistani Officials Prepare for Arrival of Immigrant

TRAVAMABAD (DPI) - The Travistani Office of Immigration and Naturalization was alerted this week to the expected arrival of an immigrant who will boost the Travistani population by 25 percent. The immigrant is expected to remain in the country for at least 18 years, during which time the President hopes he or she will become a crucial part of the apartment-nation's laundry-folding and government services staff. While only a poor-quality file photo of the arrival is available to the Al Traveera news service, the initial paper filed describes the immigrant as having a height of 12 millimeters, a heartbeat of 174 beats per minute, and a general appearance of a little bug-eyed peanut with flippers.

The establishment of a department to handle such immigrants in Travistan was in part due to a joint act of congress between the highest-ranking officials in the government sometime eight to 10 weeks ago. Despite rumors to the contrary among those close to the matter, Dictator and President-for-Life Travis was highly involved in the early stages of development, and the act's introduction was no accident.

"There has never been a better time to come and take part in the many manual labor jobs available in Travistan," said a beaming President Travis. "The opportunity to contribute to our economy through a low-paying dishwashing job is an exciting prospect for an ambitious young person looking for a jump on life."

Poor-Quality Photograph Taken by
Satellite-Like Intelligence Camera

The apartment-nation will have to finance a great deal of infrastructure work to handle the new arrival. Taking cues from South Korea, which built new facilities to handle the arrival of thousands of visitors this summer, President Travis watched World Cup soccer and ate carryout from Kim's Kitchen. He hopes to prepare the country by planning urban rehabilitation projects that would convert Travamabad's Guest District into a "cradle" for new business development. "The beer-can pyramid in particular, while considered a Travistani cultural icon by some, will have to be cleared to make way," said the Travistani first lady, chewing on a Nutri-Grain yogurt bar.

Despite quarantines that some say will threaten the traditional Travistani way of life, President Travis assured concerned citizens that caffeine-free and non-alcoholic beverages will hold the citizenry over until the new resident alien's February arrival. "By replacing potentially contaminating chemicals within our borders with less-fun alternatives like sparkling water, we are hoping that the next few months will provide for a healthy, albeit crappy, waiting period," said the president. The government is currently working with its diplomatic attache to arrange for flags at Magoo's Pizza to be flown at half-staff.


(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)





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