Achilles Wasn't "Hung Like Hamster"
ATHENS (DPI) - Dr. Aristotle Michopoulos, Dean of the Hellenic College in
Athens bemoans the inevitable.
"Thanks to Brad Pitt, Greek mythology has been irrevocably distorted for
generations to come!" fumed the renowned scholar from his cluttered office
overlooking the Parthenon. He is referring, of course, to a recent quote in a
German magazine in which the actor and star of Troy described himself as being
"hung like a hamster."
Dr. Michopoulos holds scant hope the masses will be able to separate Pitt
from the legend of Achilles.
"People today are idiots. Complete idiots! For most, profound
reading can be characterized as the skimming of the owner's manual while
setting up one's new X-box. They get their news from sound bytes, or even
worse: reality TV! Ergo, thanks to one personal anecdote slipped
into a superfluous interview, billions of attention-deficit suffering
morons around the world now think our beloved Achilles had a tiny penis!"
Heaving noticeably, Dr. Michopoulos paused just long enough to pour several
consoling ounces of Ouzo into a gleaming "Athens '04" coffee mug.
"I can just hear them now." he spat. "Achilles' little willie. That's
what really drove him to kill his former lover, the Amazon warrior
Penthesilia, isn't it? She laughed at him! Bahhhh!"
After a few calming sips, Michopoulos admitted the legend of Achilles, while
laudatory, is not beyond reproach.
"Sure, he wasn't above indulging in the odd bit of man-boy love now and
then," said Michopoulos, "But hey, it was ancient Greece! But did Mr. Pitt go anywhere near
that one? Nooooooooo!."
(Reported by Brad Osberg)