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7/6/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch The Probethicist Probe Film Strip: Spider-Man 2 Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Achilles Wasn't "Hung Like Hamster" ATHENS (DPI) - Dr. Aristotle Michopoulos, Dean of the Hellenic College in Athens bemoans the inevitable. "Thanks to Brad Pitt, Greek mythology has been irrevocably distorted for generations to come!" fumed the renowned scholar from his cluttered office 
overlooking the Parthenon. He is referring, of course, to a recent quote in a
German magazine in which the actor and star of Troy described himself as being
"hung like a hamster."
Dr. Michopoulos holds scant hope the masses will be able to separate Pitt from the legend of Achilles. "People today are idiots. Complete idiots! For most, profound reading can be characterized as the skimming of the owner's manual while setting up one's new X-box. They get their news from sound bytes, or even worse: reality TV! Ergo, thanks to one personal anecdote slipped into a superfluous interview, billions of attention-deficit suffering morons around the world now think our beloved Achilles had a tiny penis!" Heaving noticeably, Dr. Michopoulos paused just long enough to pour several consoling ounces of Ouzo into a gleaming "Athens '04" coffee mug. "I can just hear them now." he spat. "Achilles' little willie. That's what really drove him to kill his former lover, the Amazon warrior Penthesilia, isn't it? She laughed at him! Bahhhh!" After a few calming sips, Michopoulos admitted the legend of Achilles, while laudatory, is not beyond reproach. "Sure, he wasn't above indulging in the odd bit of man-boy love now and then," said Michopoulos, "But hey, it was ancient Greece! But did Mr. Pitt go anywhere near that one? Nooooooooo!." (Reported by Brad Osberg) |
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