Pitcher/Belly-Itcher Feud Enters 1248th Month
Cooperstown, NY (DPI) - One of the oldest feuds in all of professional sports
reached critical mass this week outside baseball's treasured Hall of
Fame. A formal protest march by the National Association of
Belly-Itchers was greeted with sneers and jeers by onlookers,
resulting in near-riots across several city blocks. Inflaming the
matter further, a rival organization, Pitchers Against Name-Calling,
arrived suddenly and attacked the marchers with baseball bats,
resulting in several bruises and at least one turned ankle.
"We have a fundamental right in this country to insist that innocent
Belly-Itchers being compared to sub-standard major league pitchers is
not only wrong, it's actionable," complained Belly-Itcher Dennis
Mondane. "What I do in the privacy of my home is my own business,
from belly-itching to everyday belly maintenance to belly-related
chores. I'm gonna sue early and sue often." Fellow Belly-Itcher
Sally Hemming strongly agreed: "Get your laws on my belly."
"That's bullshit," remarked Pitcher Ed Cartoom. "We never asked
anybody to compare us to Belly-Itchers when we can't find the zone.
Do the fucking fans really want to see a Belly-Itcher come in relief
when we're up by two in the seventh with guys on first and third and
Santiago's up? Not fucking likely, you fucking no-good belly-itching
stomach-scratching no-pilates-ever whining little crapwads." A
scuffle quickly ensued.
Fortunately for both parties, both the Belly-Itchers and the Pitchers
proved themselves to be remarkably unfamiliar with swinging baseball
bats effectively. "My shoulder felt pretty stiff," remarked Cartoom.
"That and my hammy is still bugging me from the Pittsburgh game. I
don't know, swinging's hard, man. I'm more of a bunter." Pitcher
Brian Redson added: "Just wasn't our night. Fuck 'em, we'll be back
in five days."
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)