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7/6/04

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Pitcher/Belly-Itcher Feud Enters 1248th Month


Cooperstown, NY (DPI) - One of the oldest feuds in all of professional sports reached critical mass this week outside baseball's treasured Hall of Fame. A formal protest march by the National Association of Belly-Itchers was greeted with sneers and jeers by onlookers, resulting in near-riots across several city blocks. Inflaming the matter further, a rival organization, Pitchers Against Name-Calling, arrived suddenly and attacked the marchers with baseball bats, resulting in several bruises and at least one turned ankle.

"We have a fundamental right in this country to insist that innocent Belly-Itchers being compared to sub-standard major league pitchers is not only wrong, it's actionable," complained Belly-Itcher Dennis Mondane. "What I do in the privacy of my home is my own business, from belly-itching to everyday belly maintenance to belly-related chores. I'm gonna sue early and sue often." Fellow Belly-Itcher Sally Hemming strongly agreed: "Get your laws on my belly."

"That's bullshit," remarked Pitcher Ed Cartoom. "We never asked anybody to compare us to Belly-Itchers when we can't find the zone. Do the fucking fans really want to see a Belly-Itcher come in relief when we're up by two in the seventh with guys on first and third and Santiago's up? Not fucking likely, you fucking no-good belly-itching stomach-scratching no-pilates-ever whining little crapwads." A scuffle quickly ensued.

Fortunately for both parties, both the Belly-Itchers and the Pitchers proved themselves to be remarkably unfamiliar with swinging baseball bats effectively. "My shoulder felt pretty stiff," remarked Cartoom. "That and my hammy is still bugging me from the Pittsburgh game. I don't know, swinging's hard, man. I'm more of a bunter." Pitcher Brian Redson added: "Just wasn't our night. Fuck 'em, we'll be back in five days."



(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)




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