Stewart Demands New Trial on Grounds of "I'm Martha Fucking Stewart"
NEW YORK (DPI) - After a federal judge denied homemaking guru Martha
Stewart a second trial on the grounds that one of the witnesses committed
perjury, the defendant proudly announced she should receive a second trial because
she's "Martha Fucking Stewart." Stewart made the statement before the judge
could give her a chance to speak. "Goddamnit," Stewart said angrily towards the
judge. "I'm Martha Fucking Stewart! I've got more money wedged between my tits
right now than you've got hidden under your mattress and if I say I want a new
trial, then I'd better get a new goddamn trial!" The judge ordered bailiffs to
remove her from the courtroom and she continued her curse-filled tirade as
uniformed officers dragged her out of the building. Her attorney, Larry Stewart,
blamed Stewart's outburst on the fact that she's "the goddamn queen of
housewives everywhere and could have anyone of you motherfuckers killed just by
snapping her fingers."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Bullzilla Goes on Rampage in Downtown Tokyo
Cheney Floor Directive Carries Force of Law
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a shocking interpretation of Congressional
regulation, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has issued a ruling
that, because it was spoken in front of a quorum of senators, Vice
President Dick Cheney's recent comment to Sen. Patrick Leahy of
Vermont "carries the force of law." "It is now a matter of settled law
that Sen. Leahy must, as per vice presidential directive, go fuck
himself." A spokesman for Sen. Leahy said that the Senator was aware
of the ruling, but the senator will wait until he receives
clarification on where he is required to go in order to fuck himself,
and whether he is required to fuck himself just once, or continuously
fuck himself. However, he has initiated preparatory self-fucking
activities in his Capitol Hill office to ensure that he accurately
fulfills the directive.
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Al-Qaeda Trying to Influence Fall TV Schedule
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Bush administration officials report
that Al Qaeda is planning attacks timed to influence
the success of new fall TV programming. Tom Ridge
announced that intercepted "chatter" indicated that
Osama bin Laden was a big fan of Joey, Matt
LaBlanc's Friends character and the subject of a new
Fall spin-off, and was designing upcoming attacks to
negatively affect Joey's competition and situation
comedies airing on other nights. Ridge later
conceded that he had no direct evidence that bin Ladin
liked Joey, but insisted that it was just the sort
of terrorist-sympathizing programming the nation had
come to expect from NBC's Must See TV.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
U.N. Court: Fencing Off Individual Palestinians Illegal
THE HAGUE, Netherlands (DPI) - In a non-binding opinion, the United Nations court
stated Friday that Israel's plan to expand its security barrier by encircling each
individual Palestinian in a 4-foot-by-4-foot cube infringed upon Palestinian rights by "hampering" economic
and personal growth. Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat called the
court's opinion "a victory for the free distribution of arms, and by
arms, I mean arms of freedom locked in a peaceful embrace across our
nation." Israel, for its part, remained unmoved. A spokesman for the
Israel Defense Forces noted that Israel's can of whoopass was far more lethal than that of the U.N.,
and unless the blue helmets wanted to "bring it"
Israel would continue accordingly with their plans.
(Reported by Davejames)
511-Page Senate Report Actually 20 Pages When Single-Spaced
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The damning 1,000-page report filed
by the Senate committee titled US Intelligence Community Failures
in Iraqi Weapons Data is far shorter when conventional spacing,
typefaces, and margins are used. "I haven't seen a font that large in
the body of a paper since I tried to stretch a single paragraph into
a complete term paper when I was a college freshman," said John Askins
of the Associated Press. In fact, the exact font used is the little-known
VerandaExtraWide, and the rare type size is 16.75. Additionally, it appears
as though the paper is triple-spaced, and the margins leave several inches
between the text and the borders. When confronted, an embarrassed Sen. Jay Rockefeller, D-W.Va.,
explained, "We thought we were supposed to leave some space for
notes. Oh, plus it's great for the visually impaired."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Clinton to Fully Open Lady Liberty
NEW YORK (DPI) - Frustrated after spending millions on the Statue of Liberty and only achieving
limited access to her, the National Park Service has enlisted former President Bill
Clinton to fully open Miss Liberty. Clinton started by rubbing her
shoulders, lightly kissing her neck, and telling her she was "the
sexiest beacon of freedom" he's ever seen. At press time, Clinton had
not yet acquired full access, but Liberty had agreed to get a drink
with him on Thursday.
(Reported by Ken Martin)
Rap Star Who Walked Away From $100-Million Record Deal Dies Heroically in Gang War
New Iraqi Constitution Includes Clearer Forced-Prisoner-Oral-Sex Guidelines
Pope Bans More Fun Shit
Clinton Presidential Portrait Covering Shot-Spot on Oval Office Wall
Drug Company Cuts Cancer Research to Develop Another Boner Pill
Nobody Questioning Nader's War Record
New Medicare Drug Card Good for Free Pizza After 10 Pharmacy Visits
Friends Say Cat-Taunting Squirrel Died "Doing What He Loved Most"
Tiger Woods Talent Level Downgraded to Yellow
Congratulations or Condolences on a Great Quarter!
Pitcher/Belly-Itcher Feud Enters 1248th Month
Woman Spends Entire Day Communicating in Emoticons
Achilles Wasn't "Hung Like Hamster"
"Stripper's Choice Award" Ceded by Motley Crüe to Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz
Doing the Lynndie Hop
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - If having your genitalia pointed at with disdain sounds like abuse at
Abu Ghraib prison, you might be surprised to learn that far from
torture, it is a popular new dance called the Lynndie Hop, named
after infamous Iraqi prison guard PFC Lynndie England.
On dance floors occupied by the adolescent set,
pelvises are being thrust out and pointed at. Many go as far as to show
up at dances dressed in fatigues. "What's cool about it, is it shows that this
generation is moving away from the whole over-sexed dance thing," said 20-year-old Brett Cutterbret. "We
know about the consequences and perils of casual sex. So to
demonstrate, we throw our packages out there and get a bored
point back in return." As with most new dance innovations by the
young, parental groups are not amused. For the Love of God Won't
Someone Think of the Children spokesman Anne Michaels said, "I'm
not sure what they think they're up to with all that pelvic thrusting. Sometimes I think they sit around
just thinking up ways to [mess] with me." Cutterbret, for his part,
laughed at the controversy, "They don't know the half of it. Just wait
till they see Lynndie's Walking the Dog."
(Reported by DaveJames)
Jeopardy! Contestant Buys Night of Hot Sex With Alex Trebek
Serial Killer Panned for Predictable, Unimaginative Modus Operandi
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Los Angeles citizens are criticizing the lackluster,
ho-hum style of a serial killer they have dubbed "Jack the Ripoff."
"The guy has racked up 23 victims so far, but he wears a freakin' hockey
mask while he carves people up," said LAPD Detective Gus Armeni. "Talk
about beating a dead horse. I'll take a psycho with twice as many bodies
piled up and a moderately creative signature any day over this lame-ass
poser." Jessica Stone, a 21-year-old UCLA student who narrowly escaped
becoming Jack's 24th victim last weekend, agreed. "As he was cutting
through my front door with a chainsaw, he says to me, 'Here's Johnny!' And
I was like, 'Hey, the 1980s called -- they want their dialogue back.' What a
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Kerry/Edwards Ticket Details Planet 10 Team
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an attempt to garner favor with voters and demonstrate their
confidence, John Kerry and John Edwards announced some of the rest of their
presidential transition team today. Introduced to the public were Chief of Staff John
Worfin, spokesperson John Bigboote, presidential secretary John Many Jars,
chief adviser John Ya Ya, and vice-presidential aide John Smallberries. To close the press conference, Kerry led the
group in their new cheer:
"Where are we going?"
"THE WHITE HOUSE!"
(Reported by Kevin Wickart)
Greenspan Warns: "Ix-nay on the Eflation-day"
Washington (DPI) - In the usual carefully worded statement, Federal
Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan indicated a subtle policy shift away
from the Fed's traditional emphasis on fighting inflation and promoting
growth to policies meant to discourage run-away falling prices. Without
mentioning deflation expressly, the statement read, in part: "Economic
indicators blah blah blah reduced risk of inflation blah blah blah slow
but steady economic growth blah blah blah a stable policy blah blah blah
outlook positive blah blah blah -- and oh, yea, ix-nay on the eflation-day."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)