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July 18-22,
2005


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July 18, 2005



Today's News


Voldemort Is Harry's Father!


LONDON (DPI) — Reviewers with no hesistancy about spoiling the latest Harry Potter plot twists — like us — have revealed that Voldemort is Harry's father! What's more, Hermione is his sister and Ron is Harry's third-cousin twice removed! Also, Dobby is Jar-Jar Binks' nephew, and Dumbledore is a woman. Finally, Sirius Black steps out of the shower and reveals that the previous book was just a dream. At least, that's what anonymous White House source Karl Rove told us last night.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Surveillance Camera Captures Four London Bombers Heading for Station





Karl Rove Mysteriously Killed

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove was found dead Sunday evening under what police are calling "suspicious circumstances." His death came just hours after the revelation of Rove involvement in leaking the name of an undercover CIA agent whose husband had criticized the Bush administration. While his death has officially been ruled a suicide, many are skeptical that Rove was able to shoot himself twice in the back of the head. "It certainly seems odd that Mr. Rove would have been able to kill himself execution style, and his suicide note is just baffling," said police Chief John Tuttle.

The note in question was filled with odd and degrading statements, such as: "I'm sorry world. I am a fat slob who will never again threaten the life of an American patriot for my own petty political reasons." No one within the Bush administration would go comment publicly. One senior White House aide attributed the official silence to the CIA’s new "aggressive" investigation of leaks.


(Reported by Scott Haworth)


Delicious Candy Extracted from Spider-Man's Neck

BILLINGS, Mont. (DPI) — Surgeons, nutritionists and comic-book fans alike are in an uproar at the news that a store of delicious rectangular candies has been discovered in a secret chamber under Spider-Man's neck. The candies, which are said to be sour grape flavor, were discovered by a 10-year-old Montana boy on a shopping trip to a Billings Wal-Mart store. The web-slinger's spokesman could not be reached for comment. This development may be as significant, say experts, as the 12 pieces of cherry candy discovered in C-3PO's larynx in 1986.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Headlines


NHL Lockout Ends; Canadian Unemployment Rate Drops Significantly

Brad Pitt Contracts Menigitis, the Clap During Trip With Angelina Jolie

Bush Denies Climate Change While Sunbathing in Humid, Scorching Scotland

Comet to Impactor: "How Come You Never Called?"

U.K. Counter-Terrorism Leaders Lead Way in Search for Leads in Leeds

Space Shuttle Gets Cold Feet, Takes Bus to New Mexico





Probeatorials


I'm Sorry, Could You Repeat That? I Couldn't Hear You Over the Sound of My Gigantic Cock

A guest Probeatorial
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

So, Mexican President Vicente Fox says that African-Americans are lazy and only suited for menial jobs, huh? I'm sorry, President Fox, but I don't think I heard you correctly over the sound of my huge penis. No, wait — there's the horrible quote in every paper in America — you did say that, you racist prick!

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on you. If I had a small Mexican penis, I would probably pop off and say things I shouldn't just like you did. But I don't. I, being an African-American, have a nice meaty member. But hey, you've got a lot on your plate. Between running a third-world nation, begging the United States for economic assistance, and futilely attempting to satisfy your wife sexually, there is no doubt that you're under a lot of stress.

On the other hand, I don't see what all the excitement is about these new stamps. If you guys want to put cartoon gorillas on your postage, then that's your prerogative. Up here in America, we usually use planes and presidents. You know, shit that isn't really lame. But that's your choice — no biggie. Wait ... those are supposed to be black people? You racist, needle-dicked motherfuckers!


(Transcribed by Scott Haworth)





Musing With Mitch  

by Mitchell Kobriger  

Mitchell Kobriger


If Playboy ever does a spread on the "Girls of Denny's," they'll have a life-time subscriber.

Saint Augustine grass is ol' Mitch's favorite. It's the only kind I'll walk on barefoot.

The sooner we all admit that corn is a grain, not a vegetable, the sooner we can get all this Middle East hooey settled.

Three simple words instantly strike fear in Mitch's heart: Canadian singer-songwriter.

I have a fork in my silverware drawer with only three tines. Sure, it seems weird -- until it's time to get those last few olives out of the jar.

My favorite Kings? Edward VI, Larry and Kong.

I don't care how many NASCAR drivers you throw at it, no Herbie movie is complete without Dean Jones.

Idea! Someone needs to invent a treadmill-powered oven. Jog on that thing for 30 minutes and your reward is a piping-hot pizza!

Keep your mangoes away from my salsa and your pineapples away from my pizza. There are some things even Mitch won't eat.

One place those terrorist bastards better not hit is the Barber Hall of Fame in Fort Wayne.

My favorite fruit, bird and shoe-polish all happen to be Kiwi. Wonder what the odds of that are?

If there was one on the market, I'd buy a chlorine-scented after-shave. I love pools that much.

Mitch in an ascot, hot or not? Whaddya think?

A lot has been said about the French lately, but until someone else can grill a cheese sandwich as delicious, we're all still eating dust.

I'm wondering if it might be about time somebody made a funky cover of that song about the Ghostbusters.









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