CURRENT ISSUE Week of July 18-22, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	July 20, 2005 Today's News Hilarious "Stuck in Barrel" Act Enters Third Week NEW YORK (DPI) – The off-Broadway hit "Get Me the Hell Out of Here!" continues its sold-out run, garnering critical acclaim for its hysterical depiction of a man sealed in a 55-gallon drum. With its popular catchphrases "God help me please!" and "For the love of God, I'm suffocating," the production has played to a packed house every night since its opening. Fans include theater critic Evan Wang, who wrote, "This production is giving the audience a fresh view on a situation anyone could find himself in: being cramped into a sweltering barrel without water until mind and muscles atrophy in the horror of perpetual darkness." The production is likely to be renewed for a second season under the working title "God, Please Kill Me Now." (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) CIA Name Leak Was Act of God WASHINGTON (DPI) – Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove has testified that he first heard the name of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame from the news media, who in turn insist that they learned of Plame's identity from a White House insider. The only logical conclusion is that the name was simultaneously implanted in the minds of both parties by God himself. This truly divine intervention is reminiscent of the Almighty's impregnation of Mary of Nazareth. Many people may recall that this led to the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, whom some religions consider to be the King of Kings. It is not certain if this CIA name leak will lead to the healing of lepers; however, the world is excited about God's most recent foray into our human bodies. (Reported by Otis Garcia) Fun Religion Not Responsible for Suicide Bombings, Molestation COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) – A recent study of religions has found that the First Church of Sensibleness is responsible for the fewest violent crimes. "Our religion is just easier-going than your radical Islams and your Christian fundamentals," said Pastor John Billington. "After a long day here at the church, I like to go home and unwind. I'll usually have some casual sex with my scantily clad girlfriend, eat a full dinner without any dietary restrictions, and then cap it off with a couple of beers. It really takes care of stress." Billington suspects that his parishioners are just too happy to bother with slaughtering civilians, dragging homosexuals by the back of trucks or raping children. "Sure, God might be happy if I don't eat pork, but he'd probably be a lot happier if I don't go crazy and hurt other people," said Billington. (Reported by Scott Haworth) Headlines Bush to Demote Rove to Supreme Court Justice Millions of Women Offer to Sponge Bathe Ailing Brad Pitt L. Paul Bremer Selected to Oversee Post-Conflict San Diego Chicken Masala Not Settling Well Tri-County Area Breaking Up to Pursue Solo Interests Whoa, Free Porn, Gotta Go! Probeatorials Equal Space for Intelligent Design Sports Theory! A guest Probeatorial by Rev. Billy Hardaway For far too long, liberal secularist sports writers have been allowed to feed readers their survival of the strongest "theory" of athletic competition, while Intelligent Design theory has been blocked. "Oh no," we're assured, "the Patriots won three Super Bowls because they're the 'best' team." "Oh," it's all so simple, "the Miami Heat was an injured team and therefore unable to survive and propagate themselves into the NBA Finals." Has anyone ever proven this "theory"? Why have proponents of Intelligent Design athletics been kept silent? How does this Darwinist survival of the strongest theory account for the infinite complexity of NBA foul calls and Major League Baseball strike zones? Are we honestly to believe that such calls are made randomly? And are we really going to keep teaching our children that some natural selection of talent from the NFL draft pool miraculously results in that magical quality of team chemistry? It's high time that the mainstream sports press made room for the Intelligent Design Theory of athletics. We all know that the most gifted teams don't always win. Just take a look at the miraculous frustrations of the New York Yankees. Clearly, there must be a Higher Power at work. (Transcribed by Simon Paul) Today's Daily Probe Special Feature The Daily Probe Poll This week's Probe Poll examines the left's and right's views on Karl Rove's disclosure of the identity of a covert CIA agent. We first asked Air America listeners why they thought Rove disclosed Valerie Plame's covert CIA work. To punish an administration critic - 36% To outsource the CIA's work to Halliburton - 62% We also asked Air America listeners what they thought should happen to Rove. He should be jailed - 41% He should be forced to watch NASCAR - 56% We then asked Rush Limbaugh listeners why they thought Rove disclosed Valerie Plame's covert CIA work. To discredit a false political attack - 37% To boldly fight the war on criticism - 60% We also asked Rush Limbaugh listeners what they thought should happen to Rove. He should be appointed to the Supreme Court - 45% There is no Karl Rove, it's all a liberal myth - 54% (Reported by Simon Paul)
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