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July 22, 2005

Today's News

Bush Appoints Sammy Sosa to Supreme Court

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Vowing to correct the only mistake he has ever admitted, President Bush on Thursday nominated baseball star Sammy Sosa to the Supreme Court. During the 2000 election, then-candidate Bush lamented his decision as former owner of the Texas Rangers to trade Sosa to the Chicago White Sox in 1989. On Tuesday, Bush made things right. "Some say Sammy's best days are behind him, but I think a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court is just the thing to get Sammy's swing back," said Bush. Democrats pledge a tough confirmation hearing over charges that Sosa corked his gavel and used performance-enhancing legal aids.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Recording Industry Asks Live 8 Artists to Forgive Unpaid Royalties

NEW YORK (DPI) The Recording Industry Association of America is requesting performers in this month's Live 8 concert to forgive unpaid royalty payments. "The rich songwriters and performers of the industry are keeping the recording companies in debt with unrealistic payment schedules and crippling interest fees," RIAA spokeswoman Jeri Braddock said earlier this week. The announcement infuriated artists. "Why should we be penalized because it's tough for them?" said one anonymous artist. "We worked hard to get where we are. These songs won't remix themselves." Protesters surrounded Bono's home in Dublin, unaware the artist was on vacation at his other home in the south of France.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Guy Gets Up Half Hour Early

DETROIT (DPI) — Bob Nicholson, a 40-year-old office worker, got up a half hour early this morning, coworkers were told today. "Yeah, I totally woke up before the alarm even went off," said Nicholson. "It was like, here it is, only 6, and I'm wide awake." Break-room sources reported that Nicholson said he decided to go buy a newspaper, something he usually waits for until he gets to the office. "I'm normally more of a 6:30 guy, but there I was, wide awake at 6," Nicholson told the two remaining people within earshot. Nicholson plans to spend the rest of the day looking for someone to tell about how his alarm went off while he was already in the shower.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Doohan Canna Defy the Laws of Metaphysics, Cap'n!

Blondie Comic Strip Celebrates 75 Years, 14 Laughs

Old Garbage Can Disposed Of in Garbage Can; Minds Blown

Amnesiac Identity Thief Totally Screwed

Congress Extends Daylight Savings Time into "Reagantember"


"Pimped Out" Shuttle Grounded

HOUSTON (DPI) — Since failing to launch the first shuttle mission since February 2003, NASA engineers have been working around the clock to get the space shuttle Discovery ready for flight once again. Leading the team of engineers is Captain Zeke "Z-Ru" Collins, who was commissioned by NASA to make any repairs necessary to ensure that Discovery could begin its mission.

"Yo, like, when they asked me to try to improve the shuttle, me and my team set out to see what we could do," said Collins. "First, we looked inside the cockpit, and needed to come correct with the inside. We saw food wrappers from the first Bush administration, hoses going nowhere — and the seats, well the seats weren't near 80 proof. Then we looked at the outside. What a bama that was. Scratches all over. A paint job from 30 years ago. It looked like it had been through a war. We had our work cut out for us. We had to get this shuttle in check. So Larry, our orbital cuz, went to work on the capsule."

Larry first tore out the old seats and vacuumed the inside. "We removed any hanging hoses or anything that looked like it didn't belong there," he said. Carlos was in charge of the exterior. "We took down the whole paint scheme. We really needed to spark it up," said Carlos. Finally, Jack was in charge of the landing gear. "Those wheels didn't even match," he said. "They looked like they were from different space shuttles. So we set out to pimp that shuttle."

Interior work included installing more ergonomic seats, according to Larry. "Those other seats were from back in the day," he said. "We put in 12-inch LCD displays in the headrests in case anyone wanted to watch something cool. And you know how whenever you hear the astronauts talking, it's all scratchy and all? We installed a creased-up, top-of-the-line audio system. We also did a little feng shui thing to make the place look fly."

After removing the old paint, Carlos went with "a nice psychedelic scheme. We scrapped the plain black nose cone and but some fire to that bad boy. One phat paint scheme. That baby was ready to be flossed."

Jack chose a simple route with the landing gear. "I just made it simple, got some brand new matching tires with some brand new rims. We changed out the hydraulics and that was that."

Collins and crew are continuing to make minor improvements to Discovery, and Collins said he plans to "flex our moves to the brass" by the weekend. If NASA officials approve, the shuttle could lift off as soon as Tuesday morning.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

FAQ Us: FAQ You!

We at the Daily Probe study and value all reader comments, yet simply do not have the resources to respond to them all individually. In this new occasional series, we look to answer the most Frequently Asked Question in our inbox in an attempt to serve our readers more thoroughly.

From: "Christina Conklin" <>

CC: Heya!

DP: Yo! Back atcha, Sweet Thing! (DP makes Isaac-the-Bartender Two-Hand-Point-and-Wink Gesture)

CC: Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it had shot out? Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumshot?

DP: Ha ha ha — silly girl! We live on the Internet — we're total chatroom stallions! All the men of the Probe make Ron Jeremy zip up in shame with our dangling Cockzillas proudly smacking the insides of our knees as we strut about the Grotto. As far as our spoo power is concerned, the National Oceanographic Institute issues a tsunami warning any time Lars thinks of Angelina Jolie for too long. Let us simply say: Impression Accomplished!

CC: SPUR-M is the only site to offer an all natural male enhancement formula that is proven to increase your sperm volume by up to 500%. Our highly potent, volume enhancing formula will give our results in days and comes with an impressive 100% guarantee.

DP: Honey, if our sperm count increased by 500 percent, we'd impregnate women by smiling at them. You'd have more luck and do less societal damage by hawking Rogaine for Forearms to Robin Williams. By the way, which lucky duck at SPUR-MCo has the job of quantifying jizz loads in order to calculate your 500% improvement figure?

CC: Imagine the difference (look and feel) between dribbling your cum compared to shooting out burst after burst. Try SPUR-M now! and with our money back guarantee you have absolutely nothing to lose!

DP: Hmmm ... imagine blowing a nut with five times the current force and volume ... Can you say Krakatoa, Christina? Woe be to the recipient — her instant of incomparable orgiastic bliss would be rapidly supplanted by the sensation of her ladyparts exploding like a microwaved hot dog in a tidal wave of love gravy. I shudder to think! Indeed, Probe staff may have nothing to lose, Christina, but the future of life, love and booty-knocking as we now know it hangs precariously in the balance!

Thank you for your letter, Christina. We hope this installment of FAQ Us: FAQ You! has addressed your concerns to your satisfaction.

(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)

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