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July 20, 2004



Ridge: Bin Laden May Attempt to Pee in Your McDonald's Milkshake

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In what critics are calling a desperate and shameless attempt to garner votes for President George W. Bush, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge warned that Osama bin Laden may spew his bodily fluids into McDonald's beverages. Democrats quickly cried foul, saying that the GOP believes Bush gets a bump of three or four percentage points in the polls every time bin Laden's name is mentioned. Senate leader Tom Daschle said, "They have to think up new threats that will scare the bejesus out of the highly coveted, mouth-breathing, NASCAR-dad demographic." Ridge firmly denied the charges, then added that bin Laden is also attempting to infiltrate tractor pulls and demolition derbies as well as to poop in the men's room urinals at the local Wal-Mart.

(Reported by Miles Walker)


New Penny Design Unveiled




NAACP Peeved Bush Won't Come Get Booed

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Leaders of the NAACP expressed disappointment that President Bush won't address the group and give them the chance to roundly boo him off the stage. "We offered Mr. Bush the unprecedented courtesy of not drowning out his speech by chanting his opponent's name," explained the group's president Kweisi Mfume, "agreeing only to heckle and boo him politely at the end. We've never done this for a Republican. Yet he is still afraid to face us." Mfume dismisses claims that by appointing African-Americans to highest positions of his cabinet that Bush's actions speak louder than words. "I have never met someone who is not Republican who has had a chance to examine Condi Rice or Colin Powell up close. We at the NAACP believe they are white actors in blackface, or perhaps CGI creations. If they choose, they can prove they are real to us by coming to get jeered."

(Reported by Davejames)





Pro-War Activists Threaten to Behead Filipinos

NEW MARKET, VA (DPI) A group of pro-war activists took hostage several Filipino tourists and threatened beheading them if the Philippines did not send combat troops back into Iraq. In a videotaped message sent to a TV station in Richmond, the hooded activist leader said, "We don't care what they bomb and we don't care who they bomb, but the Philippines should be bombing the crap out of something or someone in Iraq!" He attempted to justify the kidnappers' position by saying, "We killed like, a bunch of japs in World War 2, so the least they can do is die a few times for us." The Ambassador for the Philippines promised to meet the activists' demands as soon as "we figure out if we negotiate with terrorists."

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Nader Annouces Bid for World Domination




Kerry's Mellow Threatened by Al-Qaeda Threat

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry has lashed Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge's announcement of a "serious threat" from Al Qaeda terrorists in this country. "This vague and frightening announcement totally harshed our mellows here at headquarters, let me tell you," he said. "(Running mate) John (Edwards) and I had just come off of two days of enjoying a media handjob over John's selection, and we thought we and our supporters would have a little while longer to completely ignore terrorism and natter on about healthcare, tax cuts for the rich, and our hairdos. And now that little bastard Ridge comes out with this. Well I can tell you that when I'm president, there won't be any announcements of increased Al Qaeda threats. That's a promise! Now, can we get back to my hair?"

(Reported by Brian Jones)



FEMA Unveils Courtney Love Plan

Bush Admits Iraq Invasion Caused by Typo

Terrorists Now Demand Philippines Make Them a Drink and Bring Them the Paper

Rumors: Cheney to Be Dumped as Slim-Fast Spokesman

Bush Daughters Move Out Into Real World Where Parents Still Pay for Everything

Carb Consumption Up as America Tires of Smelling Meaty

DNC Promises to Spur National Economy by Fucking Up Boston Commuters for a Week

Osama Bin Laden to Speak, Get Captured at Republican National Convention

Study: Swing States Far Less Fun Than They Sound

Bloated Linda Ronstadt Banished From Casino After Ruining Childhood Fantasies



After Misstep, Kerry Hopes Campaign Can Still Live Long and Prosper

Olympics Special Report: Trimming the Fat

Pee-Wee League Update



Leahy Impaled by Oil-Field Tool

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) was found dead in his Georgetown home Monday evening, his rectum skewered by an industrial oil drilling clamp. According to District police investigatros, the Bush administration has informed them that there will be no suspects.

(Reported by Mr. Sun)


Ditka-Spurned GOP Considers Batman for Senate

CHICAGO (DPI) - Unable to convince former Bears coach Mike Ditka to enter the Illinois Senate race, Illinois Republicans are courting Batman as a possible replacement. "Coach Ditka is certainly virile and can use sports metaphors well," explained a state GOP official, "Batman, on the other hand, has an actual public service record as a crime fighter. If only he didn't live in New York and wasn't a comic book character." Also being considered is The Rock, who captures the best of both worlds. Meanwhile, party officials are using a women's beach volleyball team as seat-holders at campaign fundraisers.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Bush Bombs on Jeopardy!




Enrollment Surges in Republican "Juvenile Abuse" Course

OMAHA (DPI) - While "go fuck yourself" and "girlie men" may be spoken with ease and proper emphasis by a few Republicans, most conservatives have found that years of clean speaking have left them unable to cast the simplest insult. "Please take your, um, private -- ok, penis -- and insert it, somehow, into one of your bodily orifices, somehow," was the best Greg Gleeson of the Nebraska legislature could muster at the beginning of his first class. After a week of intense training, Gleeson recently submitted his first post- course public vote, saying, "Count me as a 'No' -- and if you don't understand that, come over here so I can bend you over until I spell it all over your back, my bitches."

(Reported by Otis Garcia)


Dodge Designs First "Gamer-Friendly" Car

DETROIT (DPI) - Recognizing the new generation of drivers currently entering the market, Dodge has unveiled their latest concept car, the Haxx0r. The most notable feature in the Haxx0r is a keyboard and mouse in place of the traditional steering wheel and pedals. A Dodge spokesperson said the company "realizes that many of today's youth have grown up fighting terrorists, aliens, nazis and Tony Hawk using the popular 'W-A-S-D' movement controls." The car will allow a driver to multi-task and play games using the controls during those periods where they are stuck in rush-hour traffic. The Haxx0r is expected to be avaliable. Knowing the average gamer would never have passengers in the car, the designers opted for a cat-urine stained couch as seating, to give the driver the feeling that he's still in the safety of his parents' basement.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Democrats Upset that Kerry Hasn't Already Won

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Restless Democrats are criticizing the Kerry campaign for not having already defeated President Bush in the upcoming election. Said David Peterson of California, "It's all very nice to be leading in the polls, but with an administration this bad, why hasn't Kerry already won?" Blaine Amory of New Jersey, complains about Kerry's flop-flops, "First he asks me to vote for him, then he says I have to wait until November to do it. Which is it? Why can't he make up his mind?" Finally, Doris Weinstein of Wisconsin, complains, "Why does Kerry have to be so tall? Why does he have to go around being so tall all the time?"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Married Gays Regretting It Big Time

New iPod Features Humiliation Alarm for Losers Who Still Listen to Styx

No End in Sight to Rosie O'Donnell Yapping

Passion of Christ Fan Insists on Telling You How She Believes in Jesus Way More Than Before

Lynndie England Held in Contempt for Pointing at Prosecutor's Penis

Neighborhood MILF Turns Sour

Philippines Pulls Out Early, Leaving Partners Frustrated, Angry

Schwarzenegger Says California Wildfires "All Part of My Master Plan"

Environmental Activist Bathes

As Polls Slip, Bush Sr. Returns to Boxing President's Ears

Journalism Students Upgrade New CNN Headline News Anchorwoman to "Fuckable"







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