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7/20/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? McQuigly & Moss Media Roundup Musing With Mitch Riding Shotgun With Adventure Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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McQuigly and Moss
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By Dirk McQuigly I'm all for peace and understanding and achieving equality and fairness for all races and species whether they be human, Klingon, Wookiee or otherwise. But when it comes to allowing homosexuals to marry, the answer on my ballot box will feature a huge red X marked next to "no." Now I'm no racist or homophobe who's threatened by letting someone different live on an equal playing field. After all, I've had just as many homosexual fantasties as I've had heterosexual fantasies. For every 30 times I've dreamed of having a three-way with Seven of Nine from Voyager and Princess Leia in the slave bikini from Return of the Jedi, I've had at least one hot, steamy fantasy with your Captain Kirks, your Lando Calrissians, even your Boba Fetts, merely out of curiosity. Now I'm not gay, but all I'm sayin' is there's nothing wrong or unnatural about being gay. But approving universally legal recognition of gay marriage just leaves itself open to too many holes (no pun intended). The purpose of marriage is to recognize the sexually significant union between two people who mate for pleasure but also to continue propagating their race for generations to come. Two members of the same sex can have a family but are unable to produce children of their own, which negates the original purpose of marriage and makes it harder for planets to track their populations. And since they don't know how many people need to be fed on a daily basis, seasonal harvest of quadrocarrots like those conducted on Genus 9 in the Vulcan quadrant could easily become confusing and thousands could die from starvation. Plus, seeing Kirk and Spock locked in a passionate embrace with their legs wrapped around one another might be good for mentally refocusing physical pain brought on by the first string if the high school football players are plummeling you with their fists, but it's not something you want to see late at night on the Sci-Fi Channel. Besides, what if my Mom caught me watching it? She already thinks I'm gay because I can't get a date. By Anna Moss I'm all for same-sex unions, but first I have to get that image of Kirk and Spock embracing out of my head. All I can picture is a plump Kirk and aging Spock from those Priceline.com commercials playing tonsil Pong. Up until very recently, I would have asked you to gouge my eyes out like they did to Johnny Depp in Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Wouldn't it be so cool if Quentin Tarintino directed sci-fi? You'd probably see an episode of Farscape with Peacekeeper and Scarran body parts everywhere. Anyway, If I seem a bit distracted, it's because I'm busy packing for computer camp. I leave tomorrow for two weeks. It's not exactly a vacation on Reisa, but it is fun. I hope Todd is going this year. In what I could only describe as typical human arrogance, some people want to make laws banning same-sex unions. It's as if humans are the only species that count. In the future, the burning question of the week will be whether to allow same-species unions. We see life as male/female. What if we meet aliens who are both, or neither? Or something as yet undefined? Even Riker had the hots for a non-gender alien. We need to set a precedent for future generations, not get all homophoby. If history has taught us anything, it's that a society that adopts a ban-this/ban-that attitude will only fan the fires of discontent. Will I ever get done packing? I know I'll be too excited to sleep tonight. Maybe Todd is online. |
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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