McQuigly and Moss
Gay-Marriage Approval Would Create Mass Choas
By Dirk McQuigly
I'm all for peace and understanding and achieving equality and
fairness for all races and species whether they be human, Klingon,
Wookiee or otherwise. But when it comes to allowing homosexuals to
marry, the answer on my ballot box will feature a huge red X marked
next to "no."
Now I'm no racist or homophobe who's threatened by letting someone
different live on an equal playing field. After all, I've had just as many
homosexual fantasties as I've had heterosexual fantasies. For every
30 times I've dreamed of having a three-way with Seven of Nine from
Voyager and Princess Leia in the slave bikini from Return of the Jedi,
I've had at least one hot, steamy fantasy with your Captain Kirks, your
Lando Calrissians, even your Boba Fetts, merely out of curiosity. Now I'm
not gay, but all I'm sayin' is there's nothing wrong or unnatural about
being gay. But approving universally legal recognition of gay marriage
just leaves itself open to too many holes (no pun intended).
The purpose of marriage is to recognize the sexually significant union
between two people who mate for pleasure but also to continue propagating
their race for generations to come. Two members of the same sex can have a
family but are unable to produce children of their own, which negates the
original purpose of marriage and makes it harder for planets to track
their populations. And since they don't know how many people need to be
fed on a daily basis, seasonal harvest of quadrocarrots like those
conducted on Genus 9 in the Vulcan quadrant could easily become confusing
and thousands could die from starvation. Plus, seeing Kirk and Spock
locked in a passionate embrace with their legs wrapped around one another
might be good for mentally refocusing physical pain brought on by the
first string if the high school football players are plummeling you with
their fists, but it's not something you want to see late at night on the
Besides, what if my Mom caught me watching it? She already thinks I'm gay
because I can't get a date.
Leave Same-Sex Partners Alone
By Anna Moss
I'm all for same-sex unions, but first I have to get that image of
Kirk and Spock embracing out of my head. All I can picture is a plump Kirk
and aging Spock from those Priceline.com commercials playing tonsil Pong.
Up until very recently, I would have asked you to gouge my eyes out like
they did to Johnny Depp in Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Wouldn't it be so
cool if Quentin Tarintino directed sci-fi? You'd probably see an episode
of Farscape with Peacekeeper and Scarran body parts everywhere.
Anyway, If I seem a bit distracted, it's because I'm busy packing for
computer camp. I leave tomorrow for two weeks. It's not exactly a vacation
on Reisa, but it is fun. I hope Todd is going this year. In what I could
only describe as typical human arrogance, some people want to make laws
banning same-sex unions. It's as if humans are the only species that
count. In the future, the burning question of the week will be whether
to allow same-species unions. We see life as male/female. What if we meet
aliens who are both, or neither? Or something as yet undefined? Even Riker
had the hots for a non-gender alien. We need to set a precedent for
future generations, not get all homophoby. If history has taught us
anything, it's that a society that adopts a ban-this/ban-that attitude will
only fan the fires of discontent.
Will I ever get done packing? I know I'll be too excited to sleep
tonight. Maybe Todd is online.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)