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7/20/04

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After Misstep, Kerry Hopes Campaign
Can Still Live Long and Prosper



LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The Kerry/Edwards campaign made a grave tactical error when it mistook the National Appreciation of Sci-Fi Characters and Role-Playing (NASCR) dads for the much-coveted blue-collar NASCAR dad demographic. In a Los Angeles speech tailored for the overtly nerdish crowd, Kerry told the room full of computer programming and comic book reading fathers that "as though we were in a transporter accident during a terrible ion storm, the nation has found itself flung across the multiverse into an alternate plane where deficits are skyrocketing like engines fused at Warp 7 and America pre-emptively attacks Iraq like Orcs and Ringwraiths warring for the Dark Lord, the Nameless One, Sauron. But that's not who America is. American soldiers are good people, and we want them to be used like the freedom-loving Rebel X-Wing fighters they resemble in spirit." Pausing for his applause line, he added, "And when I'm president, if I ever send troops to into harm's way, you better believe I'll be darned sure they're building the Death Star first!!"

On the record, the Kerry team declared the campaign swing a success even after realizing its mistake. One aide, speaking on background, noted, however, "It was a huge waste of time. These nerd guys don't vote for anything that isn't on the Internet. If this were Superman vs. Captain Marvel, maybe, but now we've done nothing but confirm for the real NASCAR dads that all Democrats are pansy nerds. We blew it."

The Bush team, for its part, had no response. However, in a profanity-laced tirade, Vice President Dick Cheney was rumored to be on his way to Democrat headquarters to beat up Kerry and take his campaign money.


(Transcribed by Davejames)





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