CURRENT ISSUE 07/22/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News From Travistan Info Archives Swagge Shoppe Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Bush's Cro-Magnon Speech Writer to Retire WASHINGTON (DPI) - After writing his final speech, "Slavery Bad, No Slavery Good," for President Bush's African tour, long-time Bush speech writer Nog announced his retirement. Nog, a Cro-Magnon caught in a temporal displacement vortex and thrown 35,000 years forward in time, was picked up by then-Texas Gov. Bush for his strong words and straightforward concepts. The Governor's "Texas Good, No Texas, No Good!" winning campaign had Nog's unmistakable touch. But some in the White House had problems with Nog's style, notably pointing that "America good, Kyoto paper bad, bad" was a bit under-nuanced for the delicate touch needed to massage European allies. But the president continued to trust him, and even, it is rumored, let him have a hand in shaping policy. Many claim the "Tax cut good, tax cut good" policy was due in large part to Nog's underdeveloped vocal cords being unable to form the more complex sounds needed for a more complex policy. But even Nog's detractors had to admit that his woolly mammoth-killing sentiments were perfect for a post Sept. 11 era requiring strong, clear-eyed leadership, with strong, clear-eyed speeches. Few who tuned in could forget Bush's stirring, "Bin Laden ... Bin Laaaadeeennn! Aarruguughh! UUUUUUUURRRAAAG! EEEAAAA!" words in the State of the Union address. But many felt Nog's words lost their magic when it came time to convince the world that the United States needed to invade Iraq. And many speeches such as "Saddam, Urk! Urk! Urk!" just plainly didn't make sense. And with the political landscape readily changing and Nog entering his undoubtedly final years at age 19, he decided it was time to call it quits. (Reported by Davejames)
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