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07/22/03

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Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!

July 22, 2003

Editor's note: The Daily Probe regrets the lack of publication
last week. So do we just start up again this week, call
our readers "Toots" and slap them on the ass? No.

Please enjoy this special "Double-Stuf" issue of the Daily Probe.



Guy With Mullet Wants His Fucking Oreo Blizzard Now

PLATTSBURGH, N.Y. (DPI) "Sweet fuck on a stick, what's the hold-up?" mullet-sporting Dairy Queen patron Kirby Hendall would like to know. "Does it really take three minutes to crush cookies into vanilla ice cream and stick 'em in a goddamn cup?" Hendall, whose hair is relatively short at the front and sides, yet long in the back, doesn't have all ass-long day to wait for a fucking $2 dessert, do you hear him? Although his choice in coiffure is stylistically reflective of the mid-1980s, sources indicate that when it comes to acquiring frozen dairy goods, Hendall lives very much in the present: "Now, you dumb shit. Now!"

(Reported by Steven Shehori)


Show-Off Lance Armstrong Cycles Up Side of Eiffel Tower


(Graphic by Wickart/White)


Pat Robertson Sends Cyborg Back in Time to Pray for Ginsburg's Mother's Retirement

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (DPI) - Rev. Pat Robertson abandoned his plan to pray for the retirement of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and instead sent a cyborg back in time to pray for the retirement of her mother. "You cannot stop the power of God," said Robertson. "God makes the wicked sick so they retire. That's what He does! That's all He does!" When asked how the retirement of Ginsburg's mother would change the court, Robertson said, "If Mother Ginsburg retired earlier, Justice Ginsburg would have had to attend to her womanly duties and stayed home to care for her mother. If that fails, the cyborg can kill her."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)




New Girlfriend Apparently Not Fart-Friendly

Rubber Cement Booger Trick Not Viewed Kindly by Child Services

Band Mistakenly Spends Money Like Second Hit Is On the Way

Embarrassing Pit Bull Won't Stop Humping Neighbor's Cat

Boss Chooses "Or Fire Me" Option

In Predictable Move, Gorthon the Destroyer Destroys

Diabetic Digs Dianetics




CIA Takes Blame for Bush Choking on Pretzel


WASHINGTON (DPI) - After taking responsibility for giving false information on Iraq's weapons acquisitions to the Bush administration, this week CIA Director George Tenet also took the blame for allowing the president to choke on a pretzel 19 months ago. "We were unaware the president was enjoying snack food while watching college football, and therefore, it was not oiled properly for maximum swallowage," Tenet said. "And for this, we are sorry." While the president has not made a formal announcement about Tenet's statement, White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan told reporters the president is not angry with the agency for its lack of support and said he always feels a little bit safer these days when wolfing down a bag of Rold Golds.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Breeding Prospects Look Very Promising to Hopelessly Naive Farmed Catfish

BILOXI, Miss. (DPI) - Plentiful food, few predators and the huge number of young female catfish who share his pond have led one clueless male farmed catfish to overestimate his breeding prospects. "There must be thousands of females my age in this ONE little pond," he said, naively unaware that, at 18 months, he and all 45,000 catfish in his pond will be filleted and sold to a supermarket chain. "As soon as I reach sexual maturity, it's off to the races!" Catfish farmer Jedidiah Beauxchance countered, "As soon as they reach sexual maturity, I can replace my old sump pump."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Iraq's WMDs Masquerading as North Korea's WMDs

PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - The United States announced that it has discovered Iraq's missing weapons of mass destruction masquerading as North Korea's weapons of mass destruction. "They can't fool us," said Secretrary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Nukes, chemicals, biological agents, that's all Iraq's. We told you they had this stuff." North Korea denied holding Iraq's WMDs for them, insisting that the weapons really do belong to North Korea and that North Korea is prepared to use them if the United States refuses to make aid concessions. Rumsfeld urged North Korea to stay out of it, saying, "This is between the United States and Iraq."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Ungrateful Poor Still Hungry After Food Drive

FRANKLIN, Mich. (DPI) - Community Leaders in this upscale hamlet were appalled today to learn that depite last week's successful community canned food drive, Metro Detroit poor remained hungry. "We worked and worked, but there just seems to be no pleasing some people," said homemaker Elaine Wist, president of the Franklin Lions Club. One donor was aghast. "I gave a whole case of beef stew," said April Morovski. "That's what they, eat, stew, right?" Next year the community plans to hold a clothing drive instead. "Most of the girls have lots of things to get rid of," said Wist. "I have a whole bunch of last year's stuff that's, like, ick."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Uzbekistan Under Impression It's Watching Brand New Episode of Wings

"Phrase That Pays" Only Works With Radio Station

Ann Coulter's Womb-Acid Dissolves Another Zygote

Ray of Hope in Middle East: Extremists Vow to Hunt Down, Kill It

MonkeyFunFest 2003 Promises Nearly 60 Additional Barrels

Linguists to Study Why Arnold's Accent Hasn't Faded After 30 Years

O'Shitty McShitpants Dreading Return to School

Bush Victim of Faulty Intelligence

Jon-Benet Ramsey Still Dead

More headlines



KFC's Treatment of Chickens is Beyond Wonderful



Bush's Cro-Magnon Speech Writer to Retire

Shania Remains Relatively Unimpressed With Brad Pitt

Millions Vow to Hunt Down, Kill Spam Customer

"New Car Smell" Destroyed In Record Time



Church on Gay Marriage: Two Chicks OK

TUCSON, Ariz. (DPI) - The contentious issue of same-sex marriage has divided the Universal Life Church, church officials announced early Tuesday morning. In synods and congregations around the world, tempers have flared and opinions have been soundly voiced. "Who cares?" proclaimed Rev. Gary Preakness, a ULC minister of six months. "They wanna get hitched, let 'em. I think it's gross, except with two chicks." One voice of dissent was Rev. Alan Peran, who was ordained on the ULC web site three days ago between hands of online poker. "It's immoral, irresponsible, just plain wrong," said Peran. "Except for two chicks." The issue has produced the single largest divide in the church since the Great Pizza Topping Schism of 1987.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)


Car Wash Blamed for Hurricane

HOUSTON (DPI) - A group of people displaced by Hurricane Claudette arrived from Galveston today to burn down Sammy's Good-Time Car Wash. "Sammy's has been running ads all over about their $2 car wash, and he's washed over 8,000 in the past 10 days," said Les Hickman. "No normal rain-storm can dirty that many cars, so of course a hurricane is needed, and of course and it comes through Galveston." Meteorologists support the charge against Sammy's, pointing out that Claudette was a weakening tropical depression until Sammy began his "Good Times, Great Price, Clean Car" ad campaign.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Baseball Investigating Pounding of New Sausage Mascot


(Graphic by Chris White)


Assholes Anonymous Say: Fuck Off, Jizzbags

CINCINNATI (DPI) - Unlike the members of other 12-Step self-help programs, participants in Assholes Anonymous aren't all that interested in changing their behavior or repenting for past wrongdoings. "Yeah, we're assholes. If you don't like it, you can fucking suck us," said unapologetic local member Clarence T. "Hey, at least we're not a bunch of boozehounds or crackheads or fat fucks like the members of the other programs out there." T. also expressed an interest in holding joint meetings with the members of Sexaholics Anonymous in hopes of "getting some easy trim."

(Reported by Gus Harris)


New OnStar Plan Includes Ass Wiping

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (DPI) - OnStar today unveiled its new "OnStar Platinum Plan," which offers subscribers premium services including wiping your ass, scratching your balls, and shaking your dick for you after peeing. "It's really amazing," said customer Connie Walters. "There I was, sitting on the john after taking a crap, and I just didn't feel like wiping. So I simply pressed the button on my OnStar remote, and they sent somebody right over to wipe my ass. And without any directions from me at all, they found my exact location, including which stall I was in."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Squirrel Death Blamed on Extreme Stupidity

CONCORD, Calif. (DPI) - Local psychologists have attributed the apparent suicide of an adult California ground squirrel on a local bike path to what one expert called "mind-numbing stupidity." "The dumb thing darts out onto the path", said Giuseppi Vegas, rider of the bike that flattened the squirrel. "First, it ran to one side, then the other, then stopped, dashed back, then, just as I was about to pass it safely, bang, it darts under my wheels. Stupid, stupid little shit." Experts theorize that perhaps the dim realization that it was as dumb as a bag of cheese hammers led the rodent to the kill itself.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Experts: Bad Boys 2 Will Cause White Men to Call Each Other "Bitch" for Rest of Summer

U.S. Forces Restore Knocked-Over Stop Sign on Baghdad Avenue

Study: Lots of Shit Happens in Bakersfield

Cult Member Likes His Cult

Liberia Pleads for Al Sharpton's Help

Woman's Body Deemed More "Kabam!" Than "Pow!"

Study: Sorority Girls Six-Fold Squealier Than in 1974

Griffey Inducted Into Disabled List Hall of Fame

Telemarketer Phoning It In





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