CIA Takes Blame for Bush Choking on Pretzel

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After taking responsibility for giving false information on Iraq's weapons acquisitions to the Bush administration, this week CIA Director George Tenet also took the blame for allowing the president to choke on a pretzel 19 months ago. "We were unaware the president was enjoying snack food while watching college football, and therefore, it was not oiled properly for maximum swallowage," Tenet said. "And for this, we are sorry." While the president has not made a formal announcement about Tenet's statement, White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan told reporters the president is not angry with the agency for its lack of support and said he always feels a little bit safer these days when wolfing down a bag of Rold Golds.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Breeding Prospects Look Very Promising to Hopelessly Naive Farmed Catfish

BILOXI, Miss. (DPI) - Plentiful food, few predators and the huge number of young female catfish who share his pond have led one clueless male farmed catfish to overestimate his breeding prospects. "There must be thousands of females my age in this ONE little pond," he said, naively unaware that, at 18 months, he and all 45,000 catfish in his pond will be filleted and sold to a supermarket chain. "As soon as I reach sexual maturity, it's off to the races!" Catfish farmer Jedidiah Beauxchance countered, "As soon as they reach sexual maturity, I can replace my old sump pump."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Iraq's WMDs Masquerading as North Korea's WMDs

PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - The United States announced that it has discovered Iraq's missing weapons of mass destruction masquerading as North Korea's weapons of mass destruction. "They can't fool us," said Secretrary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Nukes, chemicals, biological agents, that's all Iraq's. We told you they had this stuff." North Korea denied holding Iraq's WMDs for them, insisting that the weapons really do belong to North Korea and that North Korea is prepared to use them if the United States refuses to make aid concessions. Rumsfeld urged North Korea to stay out of it, saying, "This is between the United States and Iraq."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Ungrateful Poor Still Hungry After Food Drive

FRANKLIN, Mich. (DPI) - Community Leaders in this upscale hamlet were appalled today to learn that depite last week's successful community canned food drive, Metro Detroit poor remained hungry. "We worked and worked, but there just seems to be no pleasing some people," said homemaker Elaine Wist, president of the Franklin Lions Club. One donor was aghast. "I gave a whole case of beef stew," said April Morovski. "That's what they, eat, stew, right?" Next year the community plans to hold a clothing drive instead. "Most of the girls have lots of things to get rid of," said Wist. "I have a whole bunch of last year's stuff that's, like, ick."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)