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07/22/03

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Millions Vow to Hunt Down, Kill Spam Customer


NEW YORK (DPI) - As millions of Internet users spend more and more time deleting unwanted and unread spam, the realization grows that, however farfetched it may seem to the rational mind, the spammers must actually expect to sell something. Why would they think this? The answer: Somebody, somewhere, must have done the unthinkable, and purchased spam goods.

This person, it is universally opined, must die. Now.

"Some loser actually refinanced a house or purchased penis-enlargement products on the basis of an unsolicited, poorly written email from somebody they have never met, and will never meet?" asked e-mail user John Parducci. That person has fueled the money-making dreams of spammers, leading to hundreds of offers a day to e-mail users to have the septic tank cleaned, order Viagra or talk dirty to a teenage virgin. "Thanks a whole lot there, you gullible prick!" Parducci said. "I could just kill that punk."

A grassroots movement has emerged to hunt down and kill whoever initiated the spam proliferation by purchasing a Russian bride or breast enhancement paraphernalia via email. "We must make an example of this hell spawn," said Cath Silversmith, speaking for thousands of e-mail customers. "A quick end is too good for him or her. I'm thinking Death by infomercial."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)




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