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July 25-29,
2005


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July 25, 2005



Today's News


Scientists: Eat Whatever You Fucking Want


CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (DPI) — Frustrated Harvard University scientists have published a new study that encourages Americans to eat whatever the fuck they want. The announcement comes after thousands of food-related studies over the last few decades have proven inconclusive. "Too much dairy, not enough dairy, red meat, fish," droned one tired-looking researcher. "Everything causes cancer! Every single goddamn thing we have tested is eventually going to give you cancer. On an encouraging note, though, every single goddamn thing we have tested will also prevent cancer. So fuck it. Just eat whatever."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)




Lance Armstrong Nails Sheryl Crow Eight Straight Times

PARIS (DPI) — Cyclist Lance Armstrong topped his seventh consecutive Tour de France victory by immediately having sex with girlfriend Sheryl Crow eight consecutive times. Armstrong stood on the winner's podium in his yellow champion's jersey, then removed his cycling shorts and began his arduous quest for sexual preeminence. The exhausted Armstrong was obviously struggling during stages four and five, notorious for being the more physically agonizing stretches, but was spelled during stage six by his Team USA teammates. The brief respite allowed him to regain both his stamina and his erection, and he cruised easily through stage seven. Armstrong finished strong, drinking from champagne flutes handed to him by spectators, then building to a spectacular climax to seal the victory and a place in carnal history.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)


O'Connor to Take McJob

PHOENIX (DPI) — After surprising the nation with an unexpected announcement of her retirement, Supreme Court, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor now says she'll take a job as a Wal-Mart greeter. According to Etta Mae Turner, general manager of the West Bell Road store, O'Connor applied for the largely ceremonial job at the beginning of the summer recess of court. "At first I wasn't sure it was her, but then she asked whether it would be permissible to stitch a white collar onto the blue vest," said Turner. "Company policy says nothing against it, so I said, 'Sure.' I think she'll do just fine." This is not the first instance of a high-ranking government official taking on what is generally thought to be a low-prestige job. Janet Reno worked as a shampooer at the Ocala Supercuts in 2001. And soon after he left the White House, Gerald Ford spent eight weeks as a bag-boy at Safeway.

(Reported by Ron Bottomly)


Headlines


That's Enough, Jason Alexander! Shut the Hell Up!

Judge Roberts Deemed Prettier than Oral, Uglier Than Julia

Rove Vows to Advise Republicans From Prison, Beyond the Grave

Toyota Recalls More Than 50,000 Minivans for Excessive Gayness

Stoned Ricky Williams Accidentally Wanders Into Training Camp

PETA Outraged at Monkey Spankings





Probeatorials


In Defense of Mondays

A guest Probeatorial
by Mandy Comstock

I am so tired of people getting all harsh and angry about Mondays. Mondays didn't do anything to anybody, and yet everyone hates Mondays. It's just not fair! I mean, Monday didn't ask to be the first day of the work week. I'm sure some white guy somewhere in the olden days looked at all the days of the week and said, "Oh, like, I think I'll make everyone go back to work and school on Monday."

I had gym first period on Mondays all last year and I still didn't blame Monday for that. I blamed Mrs. Pidgeon in the scheduling office for that. She hasn't liked me ever since I did the skit where I mocked her lisp at the Freshman Follies.

I can't help it if she lisps, just like Monday can't help it if you don't like Mondays. So please just think about this on Monday, when the morning DJ starts playing that Boomtown Rats song (oh, like that's so clever like, 20 years later ...not), and maybe call them up and tell them to cut it out because Mondays are really just trying to be good like all the other days. Maybe you can say "Thank God it's Monday!" or get a t-shirt or bumper sticker or something. That would be cool.


(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)





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