Journalists: It's Way Too Fucking Hot, Humid for Real News
WASHINGTON (DPI) — Journalists are reporting that the overwhelming
heat and humidity throughout most of North America are largely
responsible for the total lack of any newsworthy activity.
"Seriously, this shit is ridiculous," said Wolf Blitzer from the
air-conditioned confines of the CNN offices. "Who wants to go out and
make news when you're drenched in your own funky sweat?"
Approximately 90 percent of the United States and nearly all of
Canada have reported unseasonably warm and humid temperatures for the
last 10 days, and relief is still far off in the forecast for most of
the continent. According to Washington-based ABC news anchor Peter
Jennings, San Diego — with its permanent 72-degree, sunny, dry
weather — can go fuck itself already.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
White House Names Von Flipoff Press Secretary to White House Press Secretary
WASHINGTON (DPI) President Bush this morning
announced he has established a new position — press secretary to the
White House press secretary — in the wake of
the "unprecedented media badgering tactics" of
follow-up questions and requests for direct answers
regarding to the Karl Rove/Leakgate investigation.
Bush introduced Birdie von Flipoff as the first
PSWHPS, stating that White House Press Secretary Scott
McClellan, overwhelmed by the media's non-compliance with the no-follow-up directive, will only take queries directly from Talon News' Jeff
Gannon. Von Flipoff, appearing very much like the
president's extended middle finger with a little
smiley face drawn upon the nail, responded to
questions about his background and qualifications
alternately with "Yeah, right here," "Sit and spin,"
and "Here's one for your mother."
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
"Giggler" Warns of Assassination Attempt on Prince Albert
EFFINGHAM, Ill. (DPI) A rash of anonymous
terrorism warnings has escalated recently as a tipster known only as "The Giggler" warned tobacconist Ralph Simpson of a kidnapping and attempt
on the life of Prince Albert. "I got this phone
call and some giggly person asked if I had Prince Albert in a can," said Simpson. "But before I could
answer, he just off and said, 'Well, you'd better let
him out before he suffocates.'" Simpson then notified
local authorities about the ominous tip. Sgt.
Jim Frisk, the officer who fielded Simpson's call,
acknowledged that the Prince Albert tip is the latest
in an ongoing series of threats made by The Giggler. Management at the
local Sears store had previously reported chuckling
inquiries about the status of its refrigerators, and
Bob Jackson of Big Bob's Bowling admitted to fielding questions
regarding his bowling ball inventory from a tittering unnamed
source. The FBI and the Department of Homeland
Security have been notified and have vowed to investigate
The Giggler's royal assassination tip-off.
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Misguided Suicide Bomber Blows Self Up in Model Train Store
Unnamed Source Names Names, Says Unnamed Source
Natural Disaster in Asia Kills No Vacationing Americans, So Screw It
Revenge Actually Best at 350 Degrees for 25 Minutes, Then Topped With Oregano, Lime Slices
Professional Pallbearers Vote Anorexia Favorite Cause of Death
Beauty Is in the Eye of the Jihader
A guest Probeatorial
by Amal Al-Fusail,
Art Critic From
the Jihad Times
I recently was lucky enough to be invited to the viewing of famed effigy artist Kazal's latest work,
"Infidel Rice — Israeli Bush Puppet." And it should come as no surprise to seasoned effigy aficionados
that once again Kazal has scored a goal. Effigy Art, long a refuge for untalented hacks who thrived
in hay-stuffed pillowcase creations with crudely drawn faces and very little realism, was blown open
in the 1980s when Kazal came onto the scene. With a mastery of papier mâché and creative symbolism,
he showed the world that while function was important — an effigy must burn as readily and savagely
as we will one day burn the Infidel Nations to the ground — it could also be a thing of beauty to behold.
By the time we saw such creations as "Donkey Reagan, Fear Mongering Nuclear Buffoon" and "[Clinton]
Slobbering Fool of the Decadent Cesspool," few could touch him.
What struck me right away about "Infidel
Rice" was the effigy's lack of arms and legs, telling us immediately that this is not a full human being,
but a mere talking head that spews lies and venom. Kazal gives us a nod to the traditional by wrapping
Rice in Israeli and American flags, but in an inspired touch has her looking at the world through
"Israeli-colored glasses." I could quibble and note that the rifle he painted onto the American flag
does not look to be of American design, which may confuse his message of America being a hateful slaughterer
of all things Islam, but it is a minor point in what looks to be another show piece that will burn as brightly as his career.
(Transcribed by Davejames)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
The Daily Probe Poll
This week's Poll finds the American public feeling rather testy on a variety of issues.
What do you think of Lance Armstrong's accomplishment?
Great, he won *another* race. Yippee. - 34%
Oh for Pete's sake, move on! Go deliver a newspaper or something, bicycle boy! - 57%
What's your opinion of President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts?
Looks like Frank Burns. - 46%
Any illicit blow jobs? No? Great, sign him up. - 51%
Should Karl Rove still be working at the White House after leaking a CIA agent's identity?
Working there? Hell, pricks like him are how we're gonna win the war. - 36%
Send Rove to Niger and kill two birds with one stone. - 62%
What is the most important issue currently facing the country?
Rescuing Natalee Hollaway. - 12%
Rescuing Katie Holmes. - 85%
(Reported by Simon Paul)