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July 29, 2005

Today's News

Journalists: It's Way Too Fucking Hot, Humid for Real News

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Journalists are reporting that the overwhelming heat and humidity throughout most of North America are largely responsible for the total lack of any newsworthy activity.  "Seriously, this shit is ridiculous," said Wolf Blitzer from the air-conditioned confines of the CNN offices. "Who wants to go out and make news when you're drenched in your own funky sweat?" Approximately 90 percent of the United States and nearly all of Canada have reported unseasonably warm and humid temperatures for the last 10 days, and relief is still far off in the forecast for most of the continent. According to Washington-based ABC news anchor Peter Jennings, San Diego — with its permanent 72-degree, sunny, dry weather — can go fuck itself already.   

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

White House Names Von Flipoff Press Secretary to White House Press Secretary

WASHINGTON (DPI) President Bush this morning announced he has established a new position — press secretary to the White House press secretary — in the wake of the "unprecedented media badgering tactics" of follow-up questions and requests for direct answers regarding to the Karl Rove/Leakgate investigation. Bush introduced Birdie von Flipoff as the first PSWHPS, stating that White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, overwhelmed by the media's non-compliance with the no-follow-up directive, will only take queries directly from Talon News' Jeff Gannon. Von Flipoff, appearing very much like the president's extended middle finger with a little smiley face drawn upon the nail, responded to questions about his background and qualifications alternately with "Yeah, right here," "Sit and spin," and "Here's one for your mother."

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

"Giggler" Warns of Assassination Attempt on Prince Albert

EFFINGHAM, Ill. (DPI) A rash of anonymous terrorism warnings has escalated recently as a tipster known only as "The Giggler" warned tobacconist Ralph Simpson of a kidnapping and attempt on the life of Prince Albert. "I got this phone call and some giggly person asked if I had Prince Albert in a can," said Simpson. "But before I could answer, he just off and said, 'Well, you'd better let him out before he suffocates.'"  Simpson then notified local authorities about the ominous tip. Sgt. Jim Frisk, the officer who fielded Simpson's call, acknowledged that the Prince Albert tip is the latest in an ongoing series of threats made by The Giggler. Management at the local Sears store had previously reported chuckling inquiries about the status of its refrigerators, and Bob Jackson of Big Bob's Bowling admitted to fielding questions regarding his bowling ball inventory from a tittering unnamed source. The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have been notified and have vowed to investigate The Giggler's royal assassination tip-off.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)


Misguided Suicide Bomber Blows Self Up in Model Train Store

Unnamed Source Names Names, Says Unnamed Source

Natural Disaster in Asia Kills No Vacationing Americans, So Screw It

Revenge Actually Best at 350 Degrees for 25 Minutes, Then Topped With Oregano, Lime Slices

Professional Pallbearers Vote Anorexia Favorite Cause of Death


Beauty Is in the Eye of the Jihader

A guest Probeatorial
by Amal Al-Fusail,
Art Critic From
the Jihad Times

I recently was lucky enough to be invited to the viewing of famed effigy artist Kazal's latest work, "Infidel Rice — Israeli Bush Puppet." And it should come as no surprise to seasoned effigy aficionados that once again Kazal has scored a goal. Effigy Art, long a refuge for untalented hacks who thrived in hay-stuffed pillowcase creations with crudely drawn faces and very little realism, was blown open in the 1980s when Kazal came onto the scene. With a mastery of papier mâché and creative symbolism, he showed the world that while function was important — an effigy must burn as readily and savagely as we will one day burn the Infidel Nations to the ground — it could also be a thing of beauty to behold. By the time we saw such creations as "Donkey Reagan, Fear Mongering Nuclear Buffoon" and "[Clinton] Slobbering Fool of the Decadent Cesspool," few could touch him.

What struck me right away about "Infidel Rice" was the effigy's lack of arms and legs, telling us immediately that this is not a full human being, but a mere talking head that spews lies and venom. Kazal gives us a nod to the traditional by wrapping Rice in Israeli and American flags, but in an inspired touch has her looking at the world through "Israeli-colored glasses." I could quibble and note that the rifle he painted onto the American flag does not look to be of American design, which may confuse his message of America being a hateful slaughterer of all things Islam, but it is a minor point in what looks to be another show piece that will burn as brightly as his career.

(Transcribed by Davejames)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

The Daily Probe Poll

This week's Poll finds the American public feeling rather testy on a variety of issues.

What do you think of Lance Armstrong's accomplishment?

Great, he won *another* race. Yippee. - 34%
Oh for Pete's sake, move on! Go deliver a newspaper or something, bicycle boy! - 57%

What's your opinion of President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts?

Looks like Frank Burns. - 46%
Any illicit blow jobs? No? Great, sign him up. - 51%

Should Karl Rove still be working at the White House after leaking a CIA agent's identity?

Working there? Hell, pricks like him are how we're gonna win the war. - 36%
Send Rove to Niger and kill two birds with one stone. - 62%

What is the most important issue currently facing the country?

Rescuing Natalee Hollaway. - 12%
Rescuing Katie Holmes. - 85%

(Reported by Simon Paul)

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