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July 27, 2004



Kerry Strengthens His "I'm Not Bush" Message With DNA Evidence

BOSTON (DPI) - Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry today released results of blood, semen, and hair tests as further proof he is not President Bush. "Kerry is certainly not George W. Bush, and that is why people should vote for him," said Kerry campaign aide James Coleman. Asked if he would be making any statement on policy other than claiming he is a physical alternative to the president, Kerry responded, "The country needs change, and candidates like Ralph Nadar refuse to prove they are not George Bush." Kerry then successfully ate a pretzel, then proclaimed, "See this? No choking."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Bush Presidency Revealed as Punk'd Prank




U.S. Troops to Liberate Summer Olympics

ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - U.S. officials have announced plans to send a liberating force of 400 American Special Forces soldiers to the Olympic Games next month. "For too long, the Olympics have been run by those countries for whom peace is not sacred and, more importantly, English is not a first language," said White House press secretary Scott McLellan. "Our forces will return control of those games to their rightful place: America." While Greece has not been traditionally included among those nations President Bush called the "Axis of Evil," its proximity to the Middle East has raised suspicions among U.S. military officials. "It's closer to the Middle East than we are, and therefore we can't afford to take any chances here," said Gen. Frank Burger. "Our boys will strike fast and hard and be treated as liberators by the Olympic athletes and spectators." Bush later elaborated, saying, "No longer will our world's greatest athletes be forced to compete under the tyranny of the Grecians."

(Reported by Ken Martin)





John Kerry Hosts Crossfire




Armstrong's Feat Inspires Single-Testicled Guys

PARIS (DPI) - Lance Armstrong's sixth consecutive Tour de France victory has provided yet more inspiration and courage to cancer survivors and guys with only one ball. "To imagine a guy surviving testicular cancer and winning the world's most challenging race six straight times, and with only one nut, really gives me courage," said lung cancer sufferer Irwin McDale. "I mean, I may have smoked three packs a day, but I'm facing this with the full complement of balls." Others concurred. "Wow, he won again?" said casual fan Jesse Hoagland. "Guys like me who are missing a huevo can really take heart. We can even dream of banging Sheryl Crow without feeling inadequate."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)



Correction

In last week's issue, we reported that President Bush recently said he wanted to be the "peace president." Bush actually said he wanted to be the "You want a piece of this?" president. The Daily Probe regrets the error.

(Reported by Davejames)



Lance Armstrong Kills Thousands After Do Not Harm Human Chip Malfunctions

Lucas Unveils Title: Star Wars, Episode III: Steaming Pile of Sith

Prison-Bound Ken Lay Likely to Eat Way More Than One

Search for Abducted Minorities Put on Hold Until Missing Pretty White Woman Is Found

Schwarzenegger Declares August Grab-Ass Month

International Court Orders Israel to Tear Down Wall; No Pudding Until Meat-Eating Completed

Congress Makes Wartime Sacrifices by Approving New Upper-Income Tax Cuts

Ashcroft Arrests Obama: "Close Enough!"

Located Military Records Confirm: Bush Captain of Not-So-Swift Boat

Bush Military Records Found in Berger's Pants



I Know What Jenna Bush Can Do With That Tongue of Hers

It's a Living, by Rex the Pterodactyl



Daily Probe Exclusive In-Depth Report on the 9/11 Commission

Journalist Bias Poll Predicts Even-Handed, Fair Treatment for Candidates

Impaler Beats Bloodenor in Race for Throne of Skulls



Disney to Release Princesses Gone Wild

ORLANDO, Fla. (DPI) - The Disney Princesses home videocollection will soon be joined by Princesses Gone Wild, a feature for more adult audiences. "When the pointy hats come off, and the party's starting at the castle, ball gowns go flying when these princesses go wild," reads the video's marketing literature. The video contains never-before-seen scenes of Snow White and Cinderella at Sleeping Beauty's steamy slumber party and of Little Mermaid Ariel's topless beach bash. The action really gets going, however, when Prince Charming arrives. The new ad promises, "If the Prince is a-Charming, you bet it's alarming!"

(Reported by Simon Paul)


Wiliam Hung Entertains Troops at Abu Ghraib




Ricky Williams Laughs in Your Workaday Face, Retires to "Fuck Around"

MIAMI (DPI) - Ricky Williams, the half-decent running back for the mediocre Miami Dolphins, called it a career yesterday, setting a new low-water mark for the word. "Listen, I've been working for almost five months each of the past five years already. Enough is enough," said Williams, relighting his bong with a wad of $20 bills. He leaves a career after three terrible years with the New Orleans Saints and two years with the Dolphins, where he almost proved useful for something other than eating and smoking pot. "I will miss the fans in Miami, but I will only spend the millions they paid me on the best shit money can buy on the Asian market."

(Reported by Otis Garcia)


Kerry Invites Entire Democratic Party Home for Dinner After Convention

BOSTON (DPI) - Following a rousing night of speeches and cheers at the Democratic National Convention, presidential hopeful John Kerry invited the entire party for dinner at his nearby home. "The convention is here in Boston, and I live here, too, so I figured, 'Why not invite everyone over afterward? Teresa will whip up something,'" said Kerry. The couple treated the nation's nearly 70 million registered Democrats to 150 tons of Terry's Homemade Meatloaf, and the senator cooked up close to 50 million hot dogs on the back grill. Insiders said that, to the surprise of no one, the mustard ran out early but ketchup was in steady supply.

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Angry Americans Demand Philippines Manufacture Something They Can Boycott

Ben Affleck Trying to Say Something

9/11 Commission Suggests All Americans Move to Canada

Ricky Williams Withdraws From Illinois Senate Race

Exclusive Daily Probe Expose: Lion King Musical Actually Just an Overpriced Puppet Show!

Postal Insurgents Kidnap Six Bags of Mail, Threaten to Cut One Open

New Jay-Z-Boy Recliners Put a Nap in Yo Ass

OCD-Awareness Organization Debating Whether or Not to Add Periods to "OCD" Acronym

Post-Affair Repentant Husband Burns With Guilt, Gonorrhoea

Meager Raise Boosts Local Man's Existence From "Soul-Sucking" to "Heart-Crushing"

Office Asshole: Book Was Better Than the Movie You Just Saw

Musical Insurgents Promise Sea of Blood if Yanni Doesn't Withdraw From Tour







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