CURRENT ISSUE 7/27/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? McQuigly & Moss Media Roundup Musing With Mitch Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	McQuigly and Moss     Congress is Being Run by a Bunch of Primitive Screwheads By Dirk McQuigly Dad finally got me the new director's cut of Bruce Campbell vs. Army of Darkness and I can't get some of Ash's better lines out of my head, so forgive me if I sound kind of stupid. This week, the 9/11 Commission released their report on the mistakes that led to the most horrific terrorist attack ever attempted on American soil, which basically said changes need to be made immediately. And what does Congress do? They go on a six-week recess! Well, go on home and cry to Mama. Me? I'm through runnin'! These primates need to suck it up and do something. The terrorists are always planning, plotting and looking for weaknesses to exploit and this is no time to be wasting time. Congress should be leading the effort to fix our crippled security departments, but instead, they ain't leading but two things: Jack and shit. And Jack just left town. For some obscure political reason, the entire Republican Congress and White House have been against the 9/11 Commission from the very beginning. The president's even hired his own committee to review the report, which is sure to have more than a negative view of the commission's findings and clear it of any wrongdoing. Then again, maybe the president's committee will be fair and objective and put the interests of the country ahead of Bush's constant need for political superiority. Yeah... and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot. Man, these references don't sound so stupid after all. I'm gonna be the funniest guy at the D&D Boy/Girl Summer Mixer next weekend at the Jewish Community Center. Hail to the king, baby! Take Some Time Off -- You Need It By Anna Moss Hello from computer camp. I'm having the best time. I mean it's not as exciting as a trip to the Lucas Ranch would be, but since that's a dream which probably will never come true, this camp is top-notch. We're doing fun things such as model rocket contests, a Klingon spelling bee and online Jeopardy! contests. I'm learning a lot of things (not necessarily about computers though) ha ha. I really wish Dirk was here. So the 9/11 commission finally released its report. It just happens to coincide with the end of the congressional session. With Congress taking a six-week "vacation," many people seem to be upset. I say let congress take the time off. As they say, "all work and no play..." Well, you know the rest and if you don't, you're a cinematic idiot and I feel sorry for you. Even the crew of the Enterprise always seem to take some sort of shore leave. Whether it be Resia, the spa planet, or Eden, that beautiful planet where if you ate a piece of fruit, you died. Although, it was crewmen wearing red shirts who ate the fruit. It makes me wonder if Batman or Superman ever take vacations. I can just see Commissioner Gordon: "Batman, we need your help. Mr. Freeze is about to turn Gotham into a giant ice sculpture." But all he would get is a recording: "I'm sorry I'm not here to take your emergency, but I'm on holiday. Try Aquaman -- he's on call while I'm away and I'm sure he feels pretty lonely right now." Everyone needs some time off. Sure, Tom Ridge is trying to scare us with more warnings of imminent threats to our security, but what would Congress do if they were to stay in session? Pass a law making it illegal to blow up something in the United States? That's like passing a law preventing Wookiees from ripping arms out of people's sockets over a game of chess. Although I do understand why some people want Congress to act on the 9/11 Commission report immediately, such as people who have lost loved ones. But people do need some time off on occasion. I mean, how else would NASA lobbyists pay, I mean persuade a legislator to give them more funding? Although now we have private enterprises building their own space travel vehicles. But that's a topic for another time. Hey, did you know the Star Wars special edition three-movie DVD set is coming out soon? I wonder if I should plan on sleeping in line for two days or just one. Oops, I better go or I'll miss the lecture by Bill Gates' second cousin. He's a hottie. (Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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