CURRENT ISSUE 7/27/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? McQuigly & Moss Media Roundup Musing With Mitch Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Musing With Mitch   by Mitchell Kobriger   Every Olympics I root for the USA. This year, I think I'll root for Canada. I don't care what the election says, my president will always be Chester A. Arthur. I think both Hollywood and Ralph Nader would do better if they once again focused on exploding cars. You won't catch ol' Mitch watching political conventions, especially when Gunsmoke is on. When it comes to karaoke, there are only two songs worth a damn: Summertime from Porgy & Bess and the disco classic I Will Survive. Period. End of discussion. It's said that Black Bart once shot a man for snoring. You've got to respect that kind of spunk. If there's no washboard, it's not music, my friends. Helen of Troy may have launched a thousand ships, but she doesn't compare to Ellen of Generes. She can launch into my bed any time. "Heartbreak of psoriasis," my ass -- I can't get enough of it. Thousands of pages in the 9/11 report, and not one word to spare about my barber? Is there such a thing as a Chinese-made condom? If there is, I sure as hell wouldn't buy one. Hey, fashionistas! Keep your linen pants -- gabardine is about as frou-frou as I get. You can have my strawberry corer when you can pry it from my cold, dead hand. Cordless phones are for pansies. "Oh, is this cord in your way? So sorry -- we'll remove it altogether." Get a life, you friggin' pansies. Cats think they're so smart. Let 'em try doing the dishes once. I think Casablanca would be a million times better if the ending involved some sort of elephant stampede.
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