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7/27/04

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I Know What Jenna Bush Can Do With That Tongue of Hers

A guest Probeatorial by
By Jimmy Lassiter




So, I go home the other day, after working my goddamn ass off down at the plant. I've got this ritual: I come home, crack a brewski, roll a fattie, and me and my roommate Moose watch Real TV and Blind Date on Spike. That Blind Date rules, man. Funny as fuck, and some of the hot pieces of tail on there are SERIOUSLY bangable. I've totally got to get my ass on that show, except fuckin' Blind Date hasn't had a Jackson Hole, Wyoming episode yet. Their loss.

Anyway, I turn on the TV, and I hit Spike, except I put the numbers in wrong, and I wind up watching CNN instead. I hate CNN, man. That Wolf Blitzer creeps me out. I'd totally nail that Soledad O'Brien though. I'd probably need a few beers first, but yeah, I'd hit that.

But none of them was on. Instead, they're showing this picture of Bush's daughter Jenna. She's in the back of some car, and she's TOTALLY sticking her tongue out.

Now I'm not desperate or anything. I get my fair share of tail -- more than that tubby bastard Moose, anyway, no matter what he says. But, I've got to be honest with you. I popped one when I saw that sweet, sweet tongue.

"Holy shit!" I says, "Look at that fucking tongue!"

"Sweet," says Moose. I'm pretty sure he was popping one too, but you couldn't tell under that huge gut of his. "I'd bang the shit out of that."

"See, that's the problem with you, Moose," I says, sparking up my doobage. "You see a hot little number like that, and you immediately think 'Oh, I'd bang that.'"

"You saying you wouldn't?"

"Hell no!"

Moose is looking at me like a fucking cuckoo is about to pop out of my forehead. "You turning fag or something?" he asks. "Look at her!"

"Yeah, I SAW that, Moose," I says, patiently. "The point is, you've got no goddamn imagination."

"What do you mean?"

"THINK about it," I says. Of course, asking Moose to "think" about anything is like asking a dog to stop licking its nuts. You can ASK all you want, but it just ain't gonna happen. "You're looking at her. Hot little blonde number. She's a partier, too. She likes the booze."

"I like the booze, too!" says Moose. He's getting all agitated and shit.

"I KNOW you like booze!" I was starting to lose my patience with him, so I threw the TV Guide at him. "Now shut up and listen. She's hot, she's blonde, she's got great tits."

And of course, the fat retard interrupts me again. "How do YOU know she's got great tits? You can't see them."

"You can just TELL, okay? Now shut the fuck up and let me finish."

"Pass it."

I passed him the joint -- anything to make him shut the fuck up for a minute. "So the point is, you see this hot little number, and she's sticking that sweet tongue out at you. Are you telling me that the first thing that goes through your mind is BANGING her? Not me, man. I've got DIFFERENT plans -- you know what I mean?"

He didn't know what I meant.

"She's got her TONGUE out." I says, coaching him along. I swear, that tubby prick can be dumber than that Corky kid sometimes. "So, if her TONGUE is out, and you don't want to BANG her, then the other option is...?"

Moose thinks for a second. "Third input?"

"No, you idiot!" I'm, like, ready to have a stroke. "Not third input."

Then I think about it. "Okay, third input IS an option," I says. I gotta admit, he had a point. "But other than that?"

Nothing. He's just staring at me.

"What can she do with her tongue?" I ask. I could have just told him, but the guy's gotta learn to think sometime.

"Make out?"

"Yes," I say. That's the thing with Moose: strictly small time. "And what else -- lower?"

Then all of a sudden, and I swear to Christ I saw it, this light-bulb goes off over his head. Of course, all the lights are on timers, 'cause we're usually too baked to remember to turn them off at night, and the hydro bill gets to be a bitch after a while. But this time, it happened right when he clued in, like a fucking comic strip or something. It was wild. But then again, I was pretty stoned.

"Oh!" he shouts, "She could lick your nuts!"

I had to laugh. Moose is a crazy motherfucker. "Close enough," I says, and I took the joint back.

Then he gets all thoughtful and shit. "I guess she could rim you too, right?"

"See?" I says, "Now THAT'S using your imagination!"

Then Moose sits back, all proud of himself. I was pretty proud of myself too, 'cause I felt like how a teacher must feel. Then I looked at that picture again, and I thought about Jenna working my "Chief of Staff." And then I thought about her rimming me. It was awesome.

So, long story short, that's why I'm voting Republican this year.


(Transcribed by Greg Preece)





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